Lucien’s First Take: Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

I couldn’t believe it when I saw this on my Facebook page – this is still a thing!  This franchise of films still exist!  I’m in awe!  Who still watches this crap?  I honestly don’t know, but I wish I did know.  Why?  Because this is just tops.  A series of movies that have gotten worse and worse, now into the territory of so bad they’re good.  Once this is over, I have already hit up a friend to have a bad movie night marathon with them.  It’s gonna be great!  Pizza, booze (or weed.  It’s legal in my state, suckers!), and friends watching terrible movies.  It’s gonna be awesome.

But it seems that the franchise is coming to an end.  The preview for the final film has come out, and I am so unbelievably-stoked.  It’s gonna be stupid, in a huge way, but awesome.  Let’s sit down and watch this trailer for the final part of the franchise.

I am in love with this trailer.  These films have become self-aware.  It opens with a rock song, implying that if you are taking any of this seriously, then you’re doing something wrong.  We have our over-powered super-heroine who is basically invincible now returning to the ruins of Racoon City to try and stop this with the help of the Red Queen.  Whatever.  The plot of these films is just as retarded as the games, so I don’t honestly care.  The music comes back to tell me not to take it seriously anyway, so yeah.  This is just so great.

We get some mindless action against monsters that are all so ridiculous.  Then there’s some stuff against human enemies who are pretty much just goons.  Why are the people even bothering to fight Alice at this point?  Humanity is dead.  There’s nothing left?  Oh, right, I’m caring about the plot.  Bad Maverick!  Don’t do that!

Here are the highlights.  We have Alice shooting goons and swinging from a rope.  Why?  Because the film can.  We have a vehicle that has miniguns attaching shooting at Alice.  Why?  Because the film can.  We have a three-barreled shotgun.  Why?  Because the film fucking can!  We have a dragon zombie!  A fucking dragon zombie!  Why?!  Because this film basically says “fuck it!  You don’t give a fuck about anything approaching normal in these movies!  Just watch it and enjoy how stupid it is!”  For those who are about to say that I’m ignoring the zombie dinosaur in RE6, don’t.  I’m aware that the games are no better in this regard.

Then we get the iconic laser scene from the first film.  It was the only time that I actually felt tension in that film.  You had characters getting legitimately injured in that scene.  Here?  Well, it’s Alice.  She’s basically a god. And the trailer ends on Movie Wesker being Alice’s bitch, because of course he is.  Oh, and she’s shooting a monster with two-barreled pistols.  Why?  Because this movie has no fucks to give about anything approaching sense.  I love it!

To be clear, this film is going to be a retarded mess of garbage cinematography, acting, and plot.  So my Initial Verdict won’t make sense too people.  But I know for a fact that I’m going to enjoy how utterly-retarded these movies are.  I hope you all do too.

Initial Verdict
2 out of 10

Peace out,



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s