Well, it’s another Father’s Day coming up. And there’s something to know about my old man – he is unimaginably difficult to shop for. What do you get the guy who has everything he wants and wants nothing else? (I want to put it out there that I acknowledge that being happy with what you have is a good character trait. But it still makes holidays difficult. So sue me) Here’s an example – when I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he said mousetraps. Because it seems that my cat is not living up to her namesake and killing a mouse somewhere in the house. That’s what he told me he wanted. Now, I could have tried to be creative and really go the extra mile. But you know what I did instead? I got him the fucking mousetraps. Okay, I wasn’t that much of a douche. I included some candy with them. But still, I got the guy exactly what he asked for.
Now, with Father’s Day on Sunday, I am at a loss again as to what to do? I’m currently in crushing poverty due to joblessness, that he didn’t believe me when I said that I put in 4 to 10 applications/resumes per day. If only I could show him what my Sent folder in my email looks like. The family would know why I’m depressed. But I can feel my luck changing. Things are coming together. I can feel it. But I digress. I’m at a loss again as to what to get the old-timer. Didn’t even ask. Partly because I am strapped in the extreme for cash (and being forced to ask for their help for that. Don’t think that makes me proud for a moment) and partly because I knew that I would likely groan at the answer. Or at least my mother would. When she heard him say he wanted mousetraps for Christmas, her reaction was almost vocally-exact to what her mother said to her husband. I swear, it was almost pitch-perfect.
So what am I going to do? I thought long and hard, and I figured out what I’m going to give. It’s the best gift I know how to give – a smile. How will I do that? With the written word. Since I know the parentals read my site, they’ll come across this and hopefully they get a laugh. I will retell an anecdote for you all, which will make you smile, and hopefully the memory of it makes him. Here goes.
My father is a hunter. Pretty good at it, too. I watched one time where he shot a moose so perfectly that it did a backflip and died. That was kind of amazing. Good eating, too. Unlike hunters who just want a head to mount on their wall, we eat what we catch. Moose is awesome. Best burgers in the world are made from it. Man, I am the king of digressions tonight, aren’t I?
Anyway, it was one fateful night when he was out on the hunt. Left the dog home. He’s a giant lug, who has all the brain cells of marbles in a tin can. Carefully stalking prey isn’t what the albino lab is made for. Myself, the mother-unit, and the dog were doing whatever, when the mother calls me out to the living room. I do so, and she tells me that he sent her a text, telling her that he’s on to something and coming our way. Since the prey is likely to come by the house, the logical thing to do is get a rifle for her to shoot, if she gets a chance to finish the job. Turns out, she gets that chance. What happens next is just the first part of a wonderfully-hilarious night.
The rifle was a lever-action. Cocking it should have been the easiest thing. But did she? Nope. Why? Because for reasons totally unknown, she couldn’t. I got a laugh while this moose was literally right outside the door. I should have grabbed the rifle and shot it myself. I at least know how to cock a lever-action rifle. But because my mother is incapable of doing so, the old man ended up shooting it. And it didn’t drop. It kept moving. Moving to where, you might ask? Into a giant grove of trees, that’s what. A giant mess of old, dead trees that are rotting. Getting in there was a mess. It was late at night. The sun was setting fast. The light was very limited. Which means that they had to work quickly. The animal had to be skinned, gutted, and the vital meat components taken out and hung up. We couldn’t leave it out there.
Working at night, someone had to have the honorable duty of holding the flash-light. Believe it or not, but this is something the old man takes very seriously. Something he apparently got from his father. If you messed up with the light, that was not a good thing. Guess who got to hold the light? Me! It was deemed my duty. The parentals would skin and gut, while I held the light. While the holding of the light is something that my old man takes very seriously, I am in insufferable smartass who is utterly-incapable of stopping myself from being such. And we were out there for some time.
So what did I do? I found a way to liven things up! See, the parents are getting on in their years. Old couples like the argue. The parents do it all the time. While the skinning and gutting of the moose was taking place, they were bickering almost non-stop. So what did I do? I found a way to make it into a joke. I did my best David Attenborough impression and narrated their skinning and gutting as if in a nature documentary. I was quite proud of myself. The parents both looked like they wanted to strangle me. But because I am quite good with voicework and my narrations were funny, they couldn’t bring themselves to stop me. Who else was going to hold the light?
We ended up getting a crap-ton of moose meat. It was a good night. But the thing to take away from this is – if my mother had been able to cock a lever-action rifle, none of that would have happened. But where’s the fun in that? To this day, whenever something ridiculous is going on at my house (you wouldn’t BELIEVE how often that happens) I decide to take up the smartass tradition of narrating.
And that’s the Father’s Day story. None of this happened on Father’s Day, mind you. But it’s just a story to make people smile. Hopefully that worked.
Until next time, a quote,
“Here we see the two hunter, stuck in a natural hazard, trying to quickly skin their catch while the light fades. The hunters do not work well together, and thus there is tension in the group.” -Lucien Maverick