RAB: Weirdest Moments of My Life

So, I have no job right now (a fact that pisses me off more than you can believe, since I am having to survive in this apartment from my parents graces, and apparently I am doing real financial harm to these people.  A fact that hurts like you wouldn’t believe), which means that I have a shit-ton of time.  There is only so much time I can spend filling out applications and putting in resumes.  So I have a lot of time to think.  With that comes rumination on days gone by.  Then some old memories came back to me.  Like the REALLY weird moments in my life.  The ones that get under my skin and just make me think, “did that really just happen?”  So, I thought I would tell you all some of these now.

Our first story comes from when I was a Student Worker at my university library.  That was a fun job.  I got to get to know all sorts of good people, some of whom I still keep in touch with.  Well, one of which.  Bum deal.  In any case, one day we get a complaint at the desk of someone sleeping on the floor in the bathroom.  I’m a giant, so they get me whenever there are problem people that have to be dealt with.  A coworker volunteers to go with me, since he has a phone that can take good video.  Wish I had uploaded that to YouTube.  I’d share it with you all.  We get into the bathroom and there really is a guy sleeping on the floor in one of the stalls.  The stall is locked, so my coworker reaches over with the phone and records our discourse.  He was the weirdest guy!  He wasn’t like drunk or anything.  He was totally coherent as he got up and apologized, going about his day.  Neither my coworker nor myself knew what to make of it.  That day was funny.

Next up is the first night that I was at my current apartment.  I’m chilling at night, and my blinds are open.  It’s a very peaceful night and I am feeling it.  Settling into a new place.  That’s nice.  Anyway, I am looking out the window when I see a woman who literally scared the shit out of me.  She’s so weird!  She’s a black lady, which has no bearing on the weirdness.  Trust me, that’s the most normal part of this.  The thing that caught my attention was her hair!  It’s massive!  She has a fucking lion’s mane!  It’s a massive, must be heavy, (and I’m assuming) wig that is golden blonde and goes all the way down her back.  It’s so huge.  Her hair is a being unto itself.  And this lady has a look on her face like she lives in her own little world.  I see her all the time, and I am still weirded out.  Come to find out, when I’m on the People of Wal-Mart subreddit, there’s a pic of her!  I know someone who is in a viral pic.  Don’t know why, but that makes me feel kind of important.

Then there was the time that I was playing badminton with my aunt and her family.  My former uncle (they got a divorce some years ago) was fun to be around, but he was a pretentious intellectual.  And something of an asshole.  Explains why him and I got along, right?  Well, to be fair, the bulk of our interactions were trading witty barbs.  I was able to keep pace with him.  Played chess with him too.  He was a good opponent.  I thought he was a true master, until I lived with a South Korean guy at college, who repeatedly and without any difficulty kicked my ass at chess in a way so swift that it was amazing.  Anyway, my uncle was studying French.  Sometimes, he would tell us things he was learning about in French.  This night was one such night.  My aunt had apparently grown tired of his rambling.  He was telling us about the new words he had learned.  Now, I have no idea how these are spelled.  My French is beyond rusty.  It’s dead.  Here’s my shitty-ass English translation, “Oof,” “Crapo,” and “Wa.”  Now, my aunt, a pretty witty lady in her own right, decided to put this talk of random French words to rest with one phrase.

If you don’t shut up, I’m going to be the crappo out of wa.  Until you say ‘oof!’

My cousin and I were in stitches.  Random night.  Back when life was fun.

But I’ve saved the best for last.  There was a friend of mine who I had grown up with.  She was one of my first, if not my first true friend.  She was also the first girl I crushed on, but that’s a whole other story.  Anyway, we were estranged for a while.  Then we reconnected.  Now we’re estranged again.  Timing, am I right?  Anyway, during the time we reconnected, I got to know her husband.  He was the only significant other of a lady-friend who actually liked me.  I have been seen as a threat by ALL of the others.  No idea why.  But I digress.  She had a kid with this guy.  I’m sure she’s had more now.  She’s REALLY Catholic.  No idea why a girl as smart as her is, but we all have our blind spots.  In any case, I’m visiting one day, chilling on the couch, when out of nowhere she just whips out her boobs and starts milking herself into a baby bottle.  This came right the fuck out of nowhere, and neither she nor her husband seemed to think it was weird at all to do this right in front of me.  Let me make something clear – I have no problem with women breastfeeding their kids in public.  Really, that doesn’t bother me.  But the woman is milking herself like a damn cow!  This was so weird!  They even talked about it with me.  I decided not to bring up how strange this is and just roll with it.  The term “awkward” doesn’t begin to cover how I felt.

So, those are the weirdest moments in my life that come to mind immediately.  Maybe I’ll have more as I think up some.  Let me know what weird stories you’ve had in the Comments.  Maybe we can keep this going!  That would be fun.  If your story is funny enough, maybe I’ll do another post where I decide to share it.  That could turn into something, if enough people get involved.  Let’s have fun!

Until next time, a quote,

“We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over!” – Aneurin Bevan

Peace out,

Maverick

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