Lucien’s First Take: Assassin’s Creed – Trailer World Premiere

You know what sucks – movies made about video games.  For reasons that are utterly-unknown, video games seem impossible to translate well to film.  This is weird, considering the fact that they are continually taking notes from Hollywood blockbusters.  One could probably write a book about why it is that movies and video games seem impossible to mix.  There isn’t a single video game film that’s good.  Not one.  Just look at the new Ratchet and Clank movie.  That film is incredibly-well animated, and nobody is seeing it.  Nobody.  Angry Joe did a video where he went to see it not long after it premiered and the theater was practically empty.

Here’s my take – films based on video games miss the central things that make the games great in the first place.  I don’t know if it has gone anywhere, but when I heard about the making a movie based on The Last of Us, I could already see the flaw in that premise.  The biggest one being that the movie would end up having to be crunched in, so all the ways that the game showed passage of time would be lost.  Next up, nobody can replace Troy Baker and Ashley Johnson as Joel and Ellie, respectively.

The film based on the Prince of Persia series took all the puzzle-solving and the quiet world-building and turned it into a Bay-tastic blockbuster.  Remember how well that worked?  No?  Well, since virtually nobody saw it, you’re not alone.

That’s how every video game movie works. Now we have one that’s based on the original Assassin’s Creed.  Oh boy.  Let’s see what this looks like…

Okay…what the hell is this?  Because it isn’t Assassin’s Creed.  I can tell you that much.  For starters, who is this main character?  It isn’t Desmond Miles.  This is some random criminal who was supposed to have been executed.  O-kay.

Next up, what is this retardedness with the Animus?  Last I checked, in the original game, it wasn’t some giant, ridiculously-elaborate contraption.  It was just a machine that you laid in and it integrated with your mind.  What is this stupid bullshit?  Why does this video have so many likes?!  Oh, right, the standard retarded American movie public.  Never mind.

We find out that this isn’t based on when the original game took place.  I’ll give this much – the Spanish Inquisition is a neat time period.  I honestly wish one of the games had done this.  You know, back when the games were cool.  Not now.  I have heard that Ubisoft is taking a break for a couple years, to help ruminate a new idea around the zeitgeist.  That could be good for the franchise.  So the setting is neat.  But then we get this STUPID rap breakdown.  Oh man, get ready!  We got some badassness coming in! *see sarcasm*  Whatever seriousness this movie was aiming for was utterly destroyed by this STUPID rap breakdown.  Not even kidding, I feel sorry for this movie.  That’s saying something..  A lot of something.

The rest of the trailer just devolves into more action nonsense, with some parkouring just to remind us that the game exists.  We have characters who I couldn’t care less about, and this game is basically just coming right out and telling us that these “Assassins” are nothing like the original game counterparts who are supposed to be able to work quietly and efficiently.  Here we just have super-badass thugs who bust in like Batman to tear a place up.  I guess we can add this trailer on to the pile of video game movies that missed the point of their source material.  The games were originally about going to different time periods, getting to see various cultures, and learn the untold history of the world.  But I guess this movie can’t be bothered to be that intelligent.  This looks retarded, but I am going to forget about this movie in a year or two.  Won’t even Netflix it.  Kills me that you had to waste Michael Fassbender’s talent to make this.

Initial Verdict
5 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

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