I haven’t done a personal post on here in ages. To be honest, I haven’t had much to talk about. The employment situation has been the biggest thing of note for the last MANY months. But I don’t want to talk about that. It’s been more frustrating than anything. Sure, part of what has been the hardest winter with my depression stems from that, but I am at a point now where things are looking to move forward. I have a working interview coming up. Never even heard of that before I got the call. Apparently, it is where you are thrown into the deep end at a place of employment and told to sink or swim. I have no doubt that my skills will be pushed to the limits. It’s going to happen on Friday the 13th, next week. Yeah, Lady Luck is REALLY testing me.
But something finally happened that got me to wax all nostalgic. Something really depressing (anyone who has read my previous personal posts will understand that that is a theme here. What can I say, I have brain damage that has condemned me to depression. So sue me), and it has me thinking of days gone by, and what is going to happen moving forward. See, I took a girly-mate to the airport last night. She finished up with law school and headed back home. We got to go out for dinner for what may end up being the last time. Forever. People all say that there is Facebook and texting, but you know what, I honestly am not the biggest fan of that sort of thing. The reality is that I would prefer to do things in person. There’s something about face-to-face that just appeals to me. I also like talking to people on the phone. A voice is nice. A voice and a face are best, but just that connection from getting to hear a person talk is soothing. To me, anyway.
Anyway, she’s gone now. I got to watch her get on that airplane, not knowing if I will ever get to see her again. It wasn’t the first time. She says that she’ll be back, but I know that there is a lot that can happen between now and then. With my luck being what it is, I always assume the worst. It’s a safe assumption. She was the only person I had left to see and talk to in this fucking town. I’m all alone here. The days when her and I would go out and do stuff were pretty fucking awesome. I looked forward to those times when I would get a random text from her asking if I could help her with something, drive her around town while we did stuff, or just to grab dinner or fries and talk. We could talk for hours! We would get some fries at McD’s (those things are laced with crack, I’m convinced of it), park the car and chat about stuff for hours on end.
This girl and I can talk about most anything. She just graduated from law school, so we talk about legal stuff a lot. Listening to her talk about court stuff is so cool. Makes me feel like her schmo friend, you know? We talk about political stuff. This has been a hell of a year for it. We occasionally spar over our differences in movies. Since I am kind of a pretentious intellectual about my love of fiction, she can get a laugh out of that. And since we are both people who like a good argument, just getting to have that can be fun.
I found out some neat thing. On the way out, we talked about why our friendship works. Apparently, she tells me things that she doesn’t tell anyone else. She trust me above all others. Including her boyfriend. That made me feel good. Part of the problem lately about feeling alone is the fact that I don’t think that anyone really cares about me these days. I’m remarkably easy to forget, which is kind of amazing, considering that I’m a giant. Though, it does bring to mind how several of my lady-friendships died on the vine because the ladies involved trust me above anyone else. Their respective boyfriends immediately saw me as a threat. Such a waste of time, considering that I knew that I was firmly in the friend-zone with these women. But jealous guys being what they are, I guess I should have expected that.
Now my lady-friend is gone. The last person I have to talk to. All I have now is this lonely apartment. Got me thinking about all the people in my life that I’ve lost over the years. So many. Friendships that languished on the vine or just up and vanished because of things I did or mistakes I made. And now they’re gone. Recently, I tried to reach out and repair some some burnt or damaged bridges. Failed, spectacularly. Not even a response. From anyone. Oh well.
Then there’s the lack of a personal life. Naught to be done about that. Money is like a river that is eternally drying up. Doesn’t help that I’m not very attractive, either. So that’s pretty much out. Besides, I made a post talking about my end game plan for my life. Anyone who has read that will know that having a personal life would just complicate things along the way. Now if I could only get this damn itch to leave me alone, things would be just peachy.
I honestly don’t know where things are going to go. I know that I have nothing going for my life, and things are going nowhere in a great big hurry. I can remedy the employment situation (indivijual) in the near future. That’s cool. But until then, I’m gonna enjoy some zen music, and try and escape the itch. Wishing I had someone to talk to.
Until next time, a quote,
“I’m not sure this is a world I belong in anymore. I’m not sure that I want to wake up.” – Gayle Forman