Really Good Bad Advice Number Four

It’s that time of year.  I’m tired, bored, and wanting to exert my inner asshole on people who are trying to get help and don’t understand that coming to online advice columns is the stupidest thing in the world, because why on Earth are you airing out your dirty laundry on the Internet?  I have no idea, and pathetic people are fun enough for me to make sport of.  So let’s have ourselves some fun and intercept this question asked by someone and answer it ourselves!  This should be fun.

Dear person who actually wants to help me and not be a dick,

Recently, at a family gathering, I overheard my father-in-law ask my oldest to grab him a “beer” from an ice chest.

My father-in-law is not in the best of health. He is overweight, drinks a lot and to add to it many in my husband’s family are heavy alcohol drinkers.

I tend to avoid these parties with my children when alcohol is involved. Growing up, I was never asked to grab a beer for my father or for any other adult. My children, or any child under the age of 21, should not be touching alcoholic beverages.

I’ve expressed my concerns to my husband, but he just brushes it off and says I’m overreacting, He also says that as a child he too would grab a beer from the fridge for his father and it didn’t bother him.

Am I overreacting, because this does not feel normal to me. Since my husband has no intention of letting his father know how I feel, I need your advice on how I should approach this the next time it happens. — Mom in Montana

We live in this world where people get weirded out about the weirdest shit, don’t we?  Does this woman think that if the kid is exposed to grabbing a beer for someone that they are going to magically be like, “you know what I want to do?  Drink that beer!”  I was a kid, tried some beer, and I still think that beer tastes like piss.

Why are parents now so terrified of their children being exposed to anything?  I mean, do we honestly believe that children are going to become alcoholics by transitive property?  Like that bit in American Dad where Steve is able to rationalize him touching boob by stating that he touched a girl’s hand, and that her hand has touched her boob, so therefore he was also able to touch boob.  That’s how ridiculous this is.  How can a woman who has a child honestly believe that the kid is somehow going to attain an addiction to booze just because this kid fetched the old man’s beer for him?  I’ve fetched drinks for my parents many a time.  Hell, I have been strong-armed into buying my mother smokes.  Does that mean that I have a smoking problem?  Nope.  I would partake of the green herb more (it’s legal in my state, so bite me), but I don’t have money for luxuries like that.  Poverty sucks.

Guess I should actually answer this lady’s question.  I am the king of tangents, aren’t I?  Lady, you are overreacting.  Parents have kids to make them do shit for them.  Why get up and get things when you can have the child do it for you?  A kid grabbing beers for your apparently booze-addled, unhealthy family isn’t going to affect him.  Tell you what, if you want to turn the kid off of booze, tell him to have a sip.  Trust me, since I am sure that it’s cheap American beer that your family drinks, it will work like a charm.

Some people, man.  We live in the age of perpetual wussiness.  I feel for the next generation that is going to grow up in this environment.

Until next time, a quote,

“Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.” – Bruce Lansky

Peace out,



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