Making peace with what I am now was hard. It took months of ugly soul-searching and ruined relationships for me to finally realize that I had to make the best of the time that I have. Call me stupid for not realizing it sooner, but you’ve never looked at yourself in the mirror and seen a skeleton looking back at you. Now that I made peace with my life, I was going around and repairing bridges that I had broken. The one with my family was hard, don’t get me wrong. But that wasn’t the hardest one. The hardest bridge I had to rebuild was the one with Angie and her little. Needless to say, neither one wanted to speak to me for some time after how I left things at the club. But I finally got them to come around. I took the two out for a drink and explained the situation as best as I could.
It wasn’t easy. I mean, how do you properly word telling somebody that you had been dead? If you have an answer for me, I’m all ears. I told them what I could. When Angie realized the things that I had going on, she softened almost immediately. Her little gave me a hug. That was sweet. Such an adorable kid. Made the dynamic I have had with her a little strange. Hard to have such a person who acts so young being naked with you. Strange life, eh? You don’t even know the half of it.
The three of us ended up going back to Angie’s place and putting things to bed in the best way we knew how – by picking up where we left off. It was intense, hot, and left the two of them very sticky. Again, a living person’s problem. But things were finally in a good place again. I promised the two of them that I would see them again in the club. I meant it. Now I was finally back where I wanted to be. It was a good day.
A week or so later, I was at the club for another play party. Good times. I was in the socializing area, talking to a bunch of people, when I saw someone new. It was a boy. Probably the most effeminate boy I have ever seen. Soft features, clearly soft skin, hair cut very short. Very much a boyish charm. Never seen one this androgynous before. Was off-putting, at first. He was sitting very much alone, looking more than a little fidgety. I remembered that look. It’s the same one that I had the first time I came to this place. So awkward and wondering what was going on. But then I realized something – this was the place that I belonged. It was a crowd of people that was so misunderstood, and filled with the nicest bunch you would ever know.
Deciding to be the person to put my best foot forward, I decided to talk to this guy. Walking over, I looked down at him. Very short dude, too.
“This seat taken?”
He shook his head sheepishly. Was he blushing? Hard to tell in this light.
I sat down, having to break the ice, I had the perfect question. “So, all new people have to answer this – what was the last porn search that you did.”
His eyes went wide, then his hands started fidgeting. “Well, this is gonna sound weird.”
“Cool!” I replied, smiling at him. “We love weird here.”
That got a smile from him. This guy was cute. “I looked up yaoi porn.”
My heart skipped a beat. This guy is into gay porn.
“Interesting….” I let the thought trail, to clue the guy into me finding this appealing.
He looked up at me. “What about you?”
Fair question. I chuckled a bit. “Man, I haven’t looked for porn in forever.” Trust statement. Ever since I discovered the club, I never needed to. Not to mention that since death, it never even occurred to me. Jerking off to porn was also a living person’s problem. For the longest time, sex had been a means of escape for me. Though, now that I was doing it for fun again, I was feeling more alive in that department. What was the last porn I looked up?
“I guess it would have been lesbian submissive. I know, pedestrian, right?”
The two of us got a laugh.
“I guess.” He then looked down again. This guy was so shy. It was adorable.
“What brings you here?”
Looks back into my eyes. “I’m trying to find the answer to a question.”
My heart skipped another beat. It was the same thing with me! I remember that exact thought going through my head, a long time ago. It was like looking into a very effeminate mirror.
“Whether or not this is for me.”
How did someone this much like me elude me for so long? A younger version. Make sense, since he looked to be about four or five years younger than me.
“That’s cool. I hope I can help you answer that.”
We sat there for a moment, without speaking a word. He just looked up at me, and I down at him. There was a tension there that I can’t describe. It felt awesome. With the pulsing death metal in the background, I could almost feel the blood that would be coursing through my veins right now, were I alive.
“You seen the private rooms here?” I finally asked.
He just shook his head.
With air escaping his lungs, he landed on the mattress. I was quickly on top of him. His lips met mine. They were so damn soft! I’ve been with women and men, and never had I met a guy with lips like this. Never. So eager. Like he was dying to get close. The heat coming off of him was incredible. Another thing I had never seen in a guy. Our passion kept ratcheting up. My hands were exploring his body. Everything about this dude was soft. I was working my way up his leg, heading toward his pubic bone, when his hand stopped me.
“Wait! Please. I’m not ready for that.”
I pulled back, nodding. “Okay. Okay.” The passion didn’t evaporate. There was fear. I could sense it. Being a Reaper gives me some powers to read people above and beyond what normal people could do. Why was he afraid? What was he afraid of? Something was off here, and I wanted to know what it was. I don’t like to feel like I’m being dicked around, you know? His eyes conveyed need, but something was holding him back. Perhaps best not to push it.
Moving forward, I was a little softer with him. Letting things simmer down a bit. The heat was still there, but he was holding back. What was going on? I had always been good at reading people, but this Reaper talent was just bugging me. My hand went up his stomach. This was the smoothest stomach I had ever touched. This guy must never work out. Ever. How was he so thin? He looked underweight. Dude’s short enough. Probably has the metabolism of a squirrel. Lucky people. Well, lucky back when I was alive. Gaining weight was literally impossible now. My mortal shell is just a facade. The things you take for granted, right?
That’s when it happened. I was reaching up, and he was about to grab and stop me, before I came to something that got my attention. Were those binds? Like the kind you use for bandages? What the hell?!
He pulled back immediately, moving away. His eyes welled up. I figured it out. This wasn’t a guy at all. It was a girl, doing a damn good job as passing herself off as a guy. She faced away, crying into her hands. What was going on here?!
I moved a little closer, but not much. This was unfamiliar territory, and I didn’t know what to do. Was a little annoyed. This was a person who was lying to me. Not a feeling I am a fan of.
“What’s your deal?!” I asked, trying my best not to sound upset.
She stood up quickly, straightening her own facade and then looking to leave. “I’m sorry. I have to go.” I noticed that her voice got less masculine. Even a cover for her voice? This made no sense.
“Wait! What’s up?! I’m not mad or anything. I just…I don’t understand. Why dress like a boy?” I was familiar with the concept of transgender. Forgive me if I hadn’t had much direct experience. Plus, it was all happening so quickly. I hadn’t had time to process.
She didn’t answer. Just took off. I was left in that room, staring at the open door. That’s when I started to feel guilty. But if she didn’t want someone to know her secret, then why come back here with me? So many unanswered questions. The thing that worried me is that I might not find out the answers. Like I may never end up seeing her again.
Angie’s little came over. “Did something happen?” she asked. “He was crying.”
Shaking my head, I decided not to get into it. Because the truth was… “I don’t know, Meggy. I just don’t know.” And I may never find out.
I decided to head home early. It was late anyway. What a weird night. I get out toward my car, and I hear a crying sound. Immediately, I wonder if it’s someone in trouble. Should I assume Reaper form? No, best not to risk being seen until we know the situation. It’s coming from a back alley not far away. I walk over, leaning in.
“Hello? Is everything alright in here?”
From the shadows, I see her walk out. There are tear-marks all down her face, and eyes puffy red.
“Oh. Hi,” I whisper.
Not exactly sure what to say next. “You okay?”
She shook her head. “Not really.”
This was so fucking awkward. “What’s wrong?”
She looks up at me. “I didn’t want you to find out. Not like this.”
So confusing. “Why?”
“Because you were so nice to me. I’m a boy, and you’re all sweet and romantic. Then I become a girl, and you are repulsed. I saw it all over your face. You looked like you were grossed out.”
Assume, much? “I didn’t think that at all. I was just shocked. I mean, it wasn’t like I was expecting that, you know?”
Some awkward pause.
“So why do you hide the fact that you’re a girl?”
Her face got less awkward. “I…was always a little weird about being a girl, you know? Like, sometimes I liked it. Sometimes I didn’t. I don’t really like girls all that much. They’re so whiny and stupid and boring. At least the ones I know. But I don’t always like the idea of being a guy. You got the ones who are all into sports and shit. I’m not. I guess I just don’t know. But whenever I bind my chest and dress like a guy, that part felt right. I know I shouldn’t bind it. That’s unhealthy. I just like how it feels when people look at me as a man. Like how you were looking at me. That felt really good. I don’t know. I guess I was afraid that if you knew that I’m a girl, that you wouldn’t want to be intimate with me anymore.”
My emotions about this softened greatly. She as lost and confused. Been there for months. This was something I understood very well.
“You could have just told me.”
She cracked a small smile. “You like girls too?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I go both ways.”
She walked toward me. “I’m sorry. After how things ended with my Master, I guess I am a little slow to trust.”
So she has plenty of experience in this community.
“Did he not like the girl side of you?”
Shaking her head. “No. Opposite. He didn’t like it when I looked like a boy. Said that it was gross. That I should accept that I’m a girl.”
What a dick. “Geez. That sucks. Is that why you left?”
More tears welling up. “I didn’t leave. He kicked me out. Told me that he didn’t want a boy as a slave.”
Again, what a dick. “I’m so sorry.”
More awkward pause.
I finally knew what to say. “Look, if you want to be a boy, that’s fine. But the female side of you is going to come up. Like, if we’re in private again. You go boy when it comes to sex?”
Was too dark to see, but I could tell that she was blushing. “Well, no. I mean…I like how it feels, being a girl during sex. I know, I’m weird. Like, make up your mind, right? Even I don’t get where I am with this.” Back to my eyes. “Maybe, I could be a boy when we’re at the club or in public…and a girl when we’re together in private.”
My smile grew wide. “So you want to be in private again?”
Dead-locked with my eyes. “You do seem to be a phenomenal kisser. Wouldn’t mind seeing where that goes.”
This night turned out to be pretty good very quickly.
“Alright. You…got anything else going on tonight?”
He shook his head. “Nope.”
“Then maybe I could take a boy back to my place.”
He bites on his bottom lip. “I’d like that.”
Until next time, a quote,
“When a man’s knowledge is not in order, the more of it he has, the greater his confusion will be.” – Herbert Spencer