Really Good Bad Advice: Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is upon us again.  A stupid, corporate holiday meant to sell candy to people.  Only good thing about this holiday is the fact that tomorrow, the candy is on sale for absolutely-dick.  That’s it.  Unless you’re one of these people who is all in love and shit, this holiday is about as fun as getting cancer.  In the asshole.  Asshole cancer is more fun than getting to watch all the couples posting all the pics of their insanely extravagant celebrations, and hopefully not sharing pictures of what happens later.  After all (and this goes for both genders), the thing that everyone really is looking for at the end of Single’s Awareness Day is to get an insanely good romp in the sack.

With that in mind, I thought we would look at a couple of questions sent to an advice column that actually wants to help people and show their stupid romantic folly for what it is.  Since I despise this day and those in relationships on this day, we are turning our Assholemeter up to 11 today.  Don’t like it?  Too bad.  You haven’t left this post yet, so I assume that you’re in this for the long haul.

Dear…why is it Lucien…?

I am in an ethical quandary. Three of my friends — call them “Trish, Bill and Janet” — have become embroiled in a romantic situation that has me perplexed over what I should do.

Trish and Bill had been going out for about nine months when they befriended Janet. Janet is very lively and personable, and she rapidly became very close to both Trish and Bill. Bill gradually began spending more time with Janet and less with Trish, and about six months after meeting Janet, he broke up with Trish.

Two weeks after that, Bill and Janet became romantically involved.

The obvious implication is that Janet betrayed Trish, that she used her friendship to get close to Bill and steal him away, but the reality may not be so black and white.

Anyway, I’m closest with Trish, and she is very hurt.

How should I relate to Janet now? I don’t want to be judgmental, but if I remain friends with her, I feel disloyal to Trish.

What should I do? — Confused in Calgary

Everyone, I want you to repeat after me – women are crazy.  They can turn the most insane things into the most insane ethical battles that have a simple solution.  I don’t get how women do this, but they do.  All the time.  And every time they do, it’s with something like this.  Some stupid drama bullshit that when it’s guys, we never do this.  I swear, that bit from Family Guy about the true nature of male and female relationships is absolutely true. (linked here) And this isn’t me being sexist.  I hear this shit from women all the time!  Even they acknowledge how fucking daffy they are!  The fairer gender is touched in the head.  And not in a good way.

Already, Confused, you want to know what to do?  It’s simple – be judgmental.  It’s so obvious that that’s what you’re doing anyway, so you might as well just cut out the idea that you’re going to not do that and just own what you’re doing.  You want to judge this person harshly, but you don’t want to have to own that fact.  Stop trying to justify it on some deeper level and just be judgmental and tell that Janet bitch to piss off.  How difficult was that?

Next up, we have another woman who is showing that women are the absolute masters of making things more complicated than they need to be.

Dear person who isn’t about to belittle me for their amusement,

I am a woman in my early 20s. I just need an outside opinion as to what might be the most “normal” thing to do in my situation.

Some family friends, the “Smiths,” have a son, “Jack,” who is my age.

Jack just moved into my area. I don’t know him very well but from the little that I do know, I am interested in him and would like to get to know him better. I guess you could say that I have a little crush on him. He lives about 40 minutes away.

I have tried to include Jack in doing things with some of my friends over the past few months, but he has only been able to come with us once. He always says, sincerely, that he wants to come but is leaving town or has friends coming into town, etc.

The trouble is that now I feel kind of awkward continuing to call and invite him to do things with me. I have done it just enough times that it is kind of weird. And I don’t want to be weird. But what can I do? He has no real reason to call me because this isn’t his area and he doesn’t know many people.

Even if Jack is interested in getting to know me, too, he is too shy to call to chat or call to see if I want to do something with him.

So is it weird to just keep inviting him? Should I lay off and hope against hope that he’ll suddenly call about … something?

What is the right protocol? — Crushed in Crockett

Ladies, I’m about to give you some good, old-fashioned advice for the 21st Century.  See, there is this prevailing belief that unless a guy makes the first move, a relationship isn’t going to happen.  There can be no further steps without the male taking his.  All the bitchy feminist “slam poets” on YouTube don’t bring this up, so I am going to just tell you – if you want a guy, then fucking ask him out!  Dear Groj!  This is not so complicated!  All you have to do is be like, “hey, wanna grab a bite sometime?”  There ya go!  You have just announced your intentions.  This wasn’t that difficult.  I hate how women have to be so utterly unreasonable about this sort of thing.  It’s fucking ridiculous.

There is no argument for guys having to be the ones to make the first move, other than your personal belief that we should.  If you have that belief, then congratulations.  You stuck with your convictions.  Enjoy living with cats for the rest of your life.  Step up to the plate, ladies, or shut the hell up.

Was that nice enough for you?  Happy Single’s Awareness Day.  Make sure to like this post, and if you want, leave a comment about your own thoughts about this day.

Until next time, a quote,

“Ugh!  Come on, Chris, girls are terrible!  They’re always back-stabbing and giving each other phony compliments.”  -Meg Griffin, Family Guy

Peace out,



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