Let it never be said that I don’t go after low-hanging fruit. Sometimes, even though I actually do want to talk about things that really matter, I just can’t help myself. I have to find something that is so utterly retarded and get a laugh out of it. Why? Because I’m an asshole on the Internet. That’s why. I have made sport of the beta males out there more than once, but this just takes the cake. There is a product, a crowd-funded product, that literally is a controller that men (only men. There’s no variant of this for women) can stick their dick into. I hate to use Kotaku as a reference for this (because they suck!), but their IndieGoGo page has mysteriously vanished. Ain’t that a coincidink? Anywhere, here is a link to the page on Kotaku talking about this product, now let’s have ourselves a laugh.
Wait, scratch the Kotaku article! I found something that we can have more of a laugh about. It’s a promotional video! This is…too much. Let’s watch this.
It’s a controller you stick your dick into! That’s the entire premise here! You stick your dick into this controller, and fuck it. Unreal. And it has VR integration! For all you pathetic beta males out there who think that having sex with fictional character is better than the real thing, here’s a controller device that you actually stick your dick into and have sex with! When VR was made into a thing, I just knew that one of the first points of integration would be porn. Don’t get me wrong, I think that VR is a fad. Who wants to have a giant box on their head to game? And who wants a giant box on their head to jerk off with? That sounds so horrifically uncomfortable. Still, I knew that some wonderfully pathetic group of people would find a way to market this to porn, and low and behold, here it is!
I’ve come up with a name for this product – Beta Male Simulator! You know what, my inner PR person has already thought up an ad for this. Let me know what you think.
Are you so sad and pathetic that you want to have a controller that you stick your dick into so you can pretend that you’re having sex with your favorite fictional character? If so, then buy Beta Male Simulator! This product will change your life, by helping you live out all the sad, lonely fantasies that you have about getting with an actual woman. You can have sex with Princess Peach! Chun Li! Xianghua! Princess Zelda! Are you one of those sad betas who thinks that being a feminist will get women to want you? Well then we even have a setting for that. Where you get told about how sexist and privileged you are, while Anita Sarkeesian sucks your dick! Buy your Beta Male Simulator today!
Am I being mean? Absolutely. But come one! It’s a game controller you stick your dick into! How can I not make sport of how stupid this is?! The people who made this product are for real! This isn’t some big joke. It’s a for real product that was made by people who apparently understand this application and why it would be used.
This is low-hanging fruit at its absolute worse, but damn it all, it’s just too tempting for me not to do it. We live in this weird, anti-social, bonkers fucking age when sex is being reducing down to humping a controller. What is this world coming to? If you buy this product, try and clean it out all you like, the shame is never going away…
Until next time, a quote,
“If you go to someone’s house for the first time and you notice that they have this product, just leave.” -TJ Kirk The Drunken Peasants Podcast