My Actual Christmas List

I made a list on my Facebook page, but the truth is that the stuff that’s on there isn’t the stuff that I actually want this year.  Or rather, it’s just the basic stuff I want.  But there is this other stuff.  Something that is much less tangible, but I want it all the same.  I’ve been wanting some of this stuff for ages.  Some of it has been stuff that I have been thinking about for a VERY long time. For the last five years, the holiday season continually is when stuff goes wrong.  But there’s nothing that I can do.  I’ve been trying so hard, but it never seems to get better.  So, with that in mind, here is the list of things that I actually want for Christmas, but know that there is no way for it to be put in a package with a bow.  Take it for what you will.  Maybe some of you will understand this.

  • To not be poor anymore

I’m tired of living in poverty.  I’m fucking tired of it.  I’m tired of not having money.  I’m tired of having to ask my parents for help.  These people already have their own problems!  The whole idea with living on my own is that I can take care of myself.  Yeah, doing a real great job with that, aren’t I?  I have to go out to the Valley tomorrow and ask them for help to get my meds, which has a complication this month.  Of course it does.  It wouldn’t be my life if it just worked, now would it?  I hate being poor.  I hate busting my ass and not getting ahead.  Now I’m back where I was before, looking for a new job, and it sucks.  I can’t even afford some way to make my apartment look like Christmas.  Some lights would be nice.  Something to make me feel like I’m not living in this perpetual, miserable limbo.  The empty fridge.  The starvation.  Losing so much weight.  Ask your doctor if poverty is right for you!  And what little personal life I do have is utterly inhibited because of the fact that I don’t have any money!  I’m tired of telling people about the things I want to do with them when I have some spare cash.  I’d like to have some.  But it never changes.  Why?  Because…

  • For my luck not to be total shit anymore

Every fucking day, it’s the same thing.  I do everything right, but it all falls to parts anyway.  Why?  Because my fucking luck sucks!  No matter what the situation, I get the raw end of it.  Doesn’t help that I tend to make bad decisions at the worst possible times.  I’m fucking trying!  Does that count for nothing?!  Guess so.  I guess it’s all just a joke.  I’ve tried to push past my shitty luck through sheer force of will.  Thought I hit the jack-pot recently.  A new job opportunity, and it felt like it was everything I could have asked for.  But Lady Luck, being the complete cunt that she is, decided that she would take that potential moment of bliss and turn it into a complete nightmare, with probably the most unprofessional woman that I have EVER had the misfortune to work for.  Now I am without a job.  I left a great opportunity to believe in something else.  Brilliant, move, I know.

  • The job I interviewed for to work out

It’s what I want.  It’s where I want to be.  The interview went so well.  But this place is slow as fuck and all I can do is wait and worry, with the thought in the back of my mind that it will all be for nothing, while continuing this frantic cycle to fill out more application and put in more resumes in to places.  You’d think having a degree would mean something.  But nope!  Because unless you have a vast wealth of experience, even entry level jobs don’t want you.  What is up with that?!  I can’t be the only person who finds it utterly retarded.  It’s an opportunity at a hospital.  I can put my medical clerical experience to work at a place with a future.  Insurance and retirement benefits.  This is the perfect place to FINALLY give my career the jump-start that it’s needed!  But I keep having to wait…

  • My personal life not to be such shit

For the last five years, I have been hemorrhaging friendships.  After all the bullshit with my ex, I figured that it was time to call it, and I gave my personal life a plot at the cemetery on 6th Avenue.  That place is actually cool, if you ever go there.  I mean to do that, one of these days.  Will get a few pictures.  It will have to be in the summer.  In winter, it’s just depressing.  But yeah, with both friends and…other kinds of personal life, it’s dead.  It’s fucking dead.  I hate it.  For so long, I thought that I was a good friend.  I would listen to people and try and help them.  I could laugh and have fun.  But whenever someone needed me, I was there for them.  In whatever way I could be.  It was all a lie.  It seems that I was absolutely wrong about being a good friend.  Hell, I might even be bad at being a good person.  Seems like all the people who threw my friendship or my companionship in the trash didn’t even have a backward look.

The last person who did it sent me a Dear John text!  A fucking text!  Wasn’t even man enough to come face me in person.  She sent me a fucking text.  When I was at work, no less.  Making sure to send it right before she would have to leave for her job, so even if I replied, there was no way she would have to deal with it.  Then she saw fit to excise herself so utterly and completely from my life.  The pictures we took together?  The ones of us when we lived together?  Guess she just wanted to pretend like those never existed.  Well guess what, bitch, they don’t!  I deleted them all!  There were no copies.  Those memories died, just as you wanted them to.  I hope you’re happy.

I don’t claim to be the best guy.  Hell, I openly admit that I’m kind of an asshole.  But I have NEVER stabbed anyone in the back.  I have never used and abused someone.  If there is something I want, I have always been direct.  I have never led anyone on.  Sometimes that blew up in my face, I admit.  Turns out that people tend to want to be lied to.  There’s a song by Fleetwood Mac about that.  Those of you who know what I’m talking about, feel free to like this post.  But at the very least, if I wanted to talk to someone, or had an issue, I was right to the point with those I wanted to be.  It means nothing, I know, but there it is.

Every night, I got to my lonely bed, wake up with my lonely chair, get the food out of my lonely freezer.  Costco, am I right?  Best friend I’ve ever had.  This isn’t living.  This isn’t how life was meant to be.  You can’t go through life like a corpse, which is how I do.  My smile is skin deep.  I feel nothing, most days.  And there’s another thing…

  • I want out of this winter hellhole

I hate winter.  So much, I hate winter.  It sucks.  It is the worst time of year.  Seattle is where I wish I could be, but the cost of living there is astronomical.  So that’s out.  At least for now.  Perhaps someday.  Though, no.  My plan is to retire to the Oregon coast.  A lady-friend’s lady-friend told me that there is plenty of oceanfront property, but it’s in towns that are small as dirt.  Whatever.  I can live with that just fine.  Just living on the water, in a place where winter is this cute idea that comes when the rain stops (which it rarely does) works fine for me.  But you know, if all the other stuff improved, then I would honestly hate winter less.  I think I’m complaining about the wrong thing here.  I know what I really want…

  • To like Christmas again

Five years.  Five years and it hasn’t changed.  Things just fall apart during the month of December.  I genuinely don’t get it.  What did I do, Santa?  I thought that you and I were on good terms.  I thought that the two of us were cool.  I have always loved so much about this holiday.  Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t even have some tacky small tree for my place.  Something to invest in, once out of poverty.  Fake tree, some lights, and some ornaments.  Nothing fancy.  Just some basic stuff.  There’s a small gift idea – ornaments for a tree that I can one day have at my tacky, lonely apartment.  This holiday is great for so many people, but it just keeps doing wrong by me.  This can’t go on, Christmas.  We need to turn this around.  Let’s come together and help each other.  A good way to start – give me a Christmas miracle and let that hospital job work out.  If this time of year is so fucking magical, how’s about throwing a piece or two of it my way?

  • Chocolate, and candy that involves chocolate

Feeling the urge for it.  Just putting that out there.

So there’s my list for this year.  The list of things that, if they were tangible objects that could be given to someone, I would ask for.  Anyone who wants to help, feel free.  For those who may be bummed out by this post, I’m sorry.  I know one person who reads this blog who is going to be.  When it’s the mum, there’s naught to be done about it.  I can’t tell you all how guilty I feel about how much I’ve had to ask from them.  And I still am.  It makes me hate myself inside, because they told me all about how they were already on their own at my age, and would never have dreamed about asking their people for financial assistance.  I wish I was in that same boat.  I’ve done everything I possibly can to avoid it.  But now it’s past the desperation point.  My options have been choked.

I will be writing a post on Christmas for everyone, but I want you all to understand – I want you to have the best holiday you can.  If I have learned nothing else through how awful my holiday seasons tend to be, it’s to count one’s blessings.  As few as I have right now, I am trying.  It gets harder and harder each year…

Until next time, a quote,

“When my bankroll is getting small, I think of when I had none at all.  And I fall asleep, counting my blessings.”  -Lyrics, Count Your Blessings

Peace out,



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