Here we are again for another round of Really Good Bad Advice. This is where I find thing that someone sent to an advice column (I really don’t get why people find this activity fulfilling) and then decide to interject and give them advice that they can actually do something with. This week I got a couple of good ones, so let’s get this ball rolling!
Dear…anyone who isn’t Lucien,
My wife of 10 years dropped a bomb on me last night. She told me that she’s interested in having sexual relations with a female friend of hers. She is seeking my approval.
She feels that doing this with someone of the same sex doesn’t constitute being unfaithful. I don’t know if I’m being overly conservative here but I strongly disagree.
I’ve known she was curious for a little while now but I was totally not expecting this.
We have two young children and I’m very worried that her curiosity might put our family at risk. We had a long discussion last night but it seems she’s already made up her mind and won’t reason with me.
Is there anything I could say that would convince her otherwise?
I’m eager for your take on this. — Scared Dad in Des Moine
Okay, dude, you have a golden opportunity here. Let’s face it, you’re a middle aged man. Your sex life is about as interesting as a turkey sandwich. What your wife wants to do is probably the only interesting thing that has ever happened to you in your entire life. Plus, you have a wife that actively wants to experiment.
Brief interlude – despite what you may hear, a threesome is never as great as people believe. For one simple reason – there isn’t a guy who exists that can please two women at once. I’m sure that I’ll get guys who come in here and say that I am dead wrong, but they’re full of shit. They can’t please two women at once, so it inevitably comes down to the two women ending up fucking anyway. Unless it’s a chick and two guys. Then it is possible to please them both at the same time. Sorry, dudes, but chicks just have a natural design that can accommodate that sort of thing. Us males just aren’t up the task. Trust me, I found this out. It was not the proudest moment of my life, but hey, I at least got a chance to try. That’s more than most.
Which leads me back to you, Scared Dad. What are you waiting for! Your wife wants to get with another chick? Great! Here’s what you do – finally live out the fantasy that you have been wanting since you were a teenage boy. Tell her that you will agree, but only if you and her can fuck the chick at the same time, at least once. What the hell, right? I mean, she’s going to cheat on you anyway, so you might as well get some jollies out of it! For real, live a little! In your middle age, this is the best chance you’ll ever have to recapture some of that vitality that you threw away the moment you decided to have a family. Take my advice, live out the fantasy, leave one of those women disappointed, until the other steps up to the plate and takes her to Jupiter and beyond. Your wife wants to be with another chick anyway, so who loses?
Dear…why is it you, Lucien?!
After 44 years of marriage, I recently discovered my husband had several one-night stands during the first 15 years of our marriage. I always thought I was intuitive and aware, but I truly had no idea. I have pressed him for “why,” but he offers very little, saying he was “angry” with me at the time (but does not remember why). He hopes I won’t “throw away” nearly 30 years of him being faithful due to this behavior in the earlier years. He claims to love me and to feel sorry he has hurt me.
I have started seeing a counselor but he will not go. We are approaching retirement age, so neither of us has a lot of time to rebuild a life with someone else. Do I run? Or do I try to leave this in the past and stay? If I were younger, I would have left, but our age and finances cause me to consider the practical side of this.
What do you think I should do? — Sad Wife in Wichita
Dump him. Throw his unfaithful ass out the door and don’t look back. I will never understand this female proclivity to forgive guys who do this. I get that if there was one night that you had a really bad fight and he went to talk to someone and one thing led to another. But he clearly didn’t say that. He said that he was just “angry” with her. Yeah, because that isn’t a little vague. If he came to you and told you about what happened afterwards, and felt genuinely contrite and was willing to talk to a counselor with you, then I might be for sticking around. Maybe you can salvage what’s left. But that isn’t what we have here. This is a case of him being a cheating bastard and her being too dumb to do what needs to be done.
She says that age and finances are an issue. Okay, that’s something I get. But what are you going to do? Just stick with this guy and be miserable? Live out the rest of your days hating this man and what he’s done to you, until you come to that point where you just want to put a shotgun against his temple when he’s sleeping and spread his brains all over the wall? Because that’s what will end up happening. Infidelity will ALWAYS ruin a marriage. There are some people who can salvage something from it because of the underlying relationship. Or have a happy-medium until the kids are out of the house. But if the person you are with suspects that you are cheating or that you will cheat again, it will make a very ugly emotional response inside of you that will fester until you both hate each other so much. And if there are kids in the house, they will think that it’s their fault. So you’ll do damage to them as well.
Ditch this prick, and let him find his way with whatever bar skanks he’s chummy with this week. Hopefully that advice helps.
Until next time, a quote,
“Dick will make you slap somebody!” -Alexis Tyler