When I first saw the trailer for the film adaptation of Battleship, my first thought was – this is the dumbest thing that I have ever seen. A movie is being made about a board game. What’s more, it doesn’t have jack-all to do with the board game. It’s a Bayformers knock-off. That looked like the dumbest thing that could ever possibly exist. At least, that’s what I thought. However, it turns out that I was wrong. It does actually get dumber. There is a bottom to this ravine of intellectually-vapid cash-grabs that now occupy the bulk of what is in Hollywood these days. Since it is abundantly clear that they are out of ideas, they are now just grabbing at whatever straws they possibly can. I swear, each time I hear about a new film coming out, all I can think of is – gee, how original. Another remake, or reboot, or superhero movie. Or knock-off. Hollywood sure is having a lot of original ideas, aren’t they? It can get much dumber, indeed. Case and point – a movie that is apparently coming out that is about Angry Birds.
I don’t get it. Seriously, I don’t. This is so fucking dumb. Whose idea was it to make a movie based on a game that is literally about shooting various kinds of bird projectiles at hog creatures. That is the inspiration for this movie. The “plot” for that game is the birds’ eggs were stolen by the hog creatures. The plot of this movie is…bad puns? Characters? Dialogue? WHY?!
There is a bottom to this absolute lack of ideas that Hollywood is having. I thought it was when they made a movie out of a board game. But no, it’s this! This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen! Every time I think that there is a bottom, a shovel gets handed to me. That’s what this is. I thought that I had hit the bottom, but a shovel got handed to me.
This movie is a cash-grab. Pure and simple. Sony wants to make a quick buck off of…what I guess is supposed to be nostalgia. They don’t seem to realize that the games associated with this IP are played because people just want to smash birds into shit. The plot is meaningless. If they didn’t have one, no one would notice. If there is some sad individual who is playing this game and going, “well, I sure do hope those birds got their eggs back,” then they are a sad and pathetic individual. There is a part of me that actually does not understand who this movie was intended for. Who is the target audience, here? The people who like the game? I doubt that. Who else is there? This movie clearly doesn’t have anything clever or charming about it. It’s just decently-animated CG birds having some dumb plot that no one in the right mind gives to fucks about. Doom had more plot than this, and people still didn’t care. We played Doom to murder aliens with a ton of guns. We played Angry Birds because we are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room and want to pass the time.
I don’t know what else there is to say. This is a non-movie. It has non target audience. It has no reason to exist.. This is Sony trying to cash in, with what is clearly not even the tiniest amount of effort put in. This movie doesn’t need to exist, but it does. Shows what the state of Hollywood is. Films like this are the reason that I think it’s time for the superhero and remake culture in Hollywood right now to go. These cash-grabs are a dime a dozen. Nostalgia Critic did a video about how people complain about the things I am, and made the argument that we should be grateful for the quality things that we do get. Well, Doug, I’m sorry, but this film destroys any argument you may have for the state of the industry being A-okay. Some change doesn’t sound bad right about now. Don’t know about you.
5 out of 10