I have only one question – who keeps giving M. Night money?! This man is a shit director who can’t make a good movie to save his life! My cousin Peter said, “this just goes to show the power of making one good film.” He of course was talking about The Sixth Sense. I pointed out that it was two good movies. The other being Unbreakable. Two good movies is all it takes for Hollywood to ignore all the flat-out garbage that this man has made? How does that work?! Hollywood nepotism must be the stuff of legends. Never mind, we already know that, don’t we? After all, Tyler Perry and the Wayans Brothers keep being given money. But after taking a fucking dump on one of the greatest animated series of all time, Shyamalan is back, and he’s ready to do it all over again.
This is a genuine mystery to me. How on Earth does this man keep convincing people to throw money at him? Do the people funding his movies even watch them? Does he dutch rudder the producers when nobody is looking? What is the reason?
Let’s look at M. Night’s career. The Sixth Sense was great. It was iconic. The fear was there, the atmosphere was good, and the twist at the end caught us off-guard. Unbreakable was also pretty damn good. A serious look at how much being a superhero in real life would be very unpleasant, with another good twist. It isn’t anywhere near as famous as your previous film, but it was still pretty alright. To all the people who like Signs, I’m sorry. It sucks. It’s so stupid. I mean, the aliens can’t get through a wooden door? Really? And they came to conquer a planet that is filled with the thing that kills them? Really? Who can defend that garbage? That’s when the path really started to turn. Lady in the Water was pointless. It was basically Shyamalan sucking his own dick. After all, his character is the chosen one, whose works would not be understood in their own time. Real subtle, Night. Really fucking subtle. Then we have The Village. That movie. Why does it exist? For real, what was the point? Nothing happened. Nothing at all.
Then came the films that were so awful that they are amazing. Like The Happening. It was plants! The twist is that it was plants! The moment in the film where it’s discovered that it’s just plants were great. But it gets better. Like the scenes where Mark Wahlberg is talking in a squeaky and nasal tone. Or when he talks to a plant and asks it if it’s okay for them to use the bathroom there. That scene is iconic. Oh, and let’s talk about After Earth. I guess I can’t blame you too much for this, M. Night. After all, Will Smith was all over this production. Kind of dropped the ball there, huh big guy? Yeah, that was pretty bad. But still kind of funny.
However, the crowning achievement of failure from this man has to be his adaptation of The Last Airbender. That film is so bad and takes such a giant dump on its source material. What’s more, I can’t even laugh at the admittedly-funny parks because of had badly it shits on the source material. Aside from Dev Patel, who admittedly was doing his best, every single character in that movie was fucking garbage. Complete and utter garbage. Where did any of those child actors learn to “act?” They clearly learned in a place where they did no actual learning. I hope they stayed in school, because there is no future for them outside of that. Add to that the TERRIBLE bending in the film. All that fluidity and smooth motions that were praised in the original series, based on actual martial arts, were thrown out the window for that film, so they could have people flailing their arms around like imbeciles.
After how unbelievably-bad that movie was, who is looking forward to the sequel? That’s not rhetorical. If any of my audience is, please tell me. And be so kind as to tell me why. I legitimately don’t get it. I mean, you want to see more of that? You want to see more terrible child actors and their terrible “acting?” M. Night recently came out and defended his film. He just didn’t get why people didn’t like it. After all, he got kids too! The show had kids! M. Night logic. Reminds me of when I would see the director of Birdemic try and defend his work. Neither of them seem to realize that people only watch their movies now to make fun of them. Actually, that’s not accurate. M. Night seems to know that. He just doesn’t get why.
Well, if M. Night wants to waste his time and money on a movie that people will only see because it is guaranteed to suck. It is a genuine mystery to me who gives this man money to make movies. Either they never watch his stuff, or they just don’t care about quality. That’s Hollywood for ya.
Until next time, a quote,
“I would gladly have accepted a heaping spoonful of nepotism when I got out of college and was looking for a job.” -Sloane Crosley