Something to know about me – I am a freak. For my entire life, I have been a freak. It’s something that I’ve had to live with since the moment I was born. In fact, the first time I died was right after I was born. See, I was so tall that I was born early because they thought that I was done. But I wasn’t. My lungs hadn’t fully developed. I’ve been dead twice, and each time was something tied to a part of my life that can’t change. But yeah, for my entire life, I have towered over everyone in my age group. Not one person has ever come close. Even now, the chances of seeing someone near my height range is so miniscule that it borders on impossible.
Being a freak for your whole life changes how people see you. I have always been seen differently by my peers. Some people are in awe, but most people seem frightened. It’s that awe that comes from something that you both marvel and fear. It doesn’t help that I have resting pissed-face and act like I don’t give a fuck about anything. So people see me differently than they do other people. And it is not a good thing. There’s this great clip from the show “Louie” that touches me in a very profound way. I’ll let you see it, and then put in my two-cents.
I will never know what it is like to be a girl who’s overweight. To use her term, “fat girl.” I’ll never know what that’s like. But I think it’s the ultimate end of the Tumblr hugboxes that girls who are overweight hate hearing about how gorgeous they are. It’s lost all meaning. All this “body positivity” bullshit, it means nothing. People say this crap so much that how can it mean anything. And I bet you that so many women in this lady’s position agree with her. They hate hearing about how beautiful and how they aren’t fat. The Internet and their campus or wherever else the hugboxes and “safe spaces” are can tell them that all day. But when they go out into the real world, that doesn’t go with them. The real world just thinks that they’re a fat girl. Not “beautiful at any size.” A fat girl.
That’s not to say that guys have it easy. She says that guys can joke about it and shrug it off easier. Well, yeah. We have to. That is our only option. If a guy feels bad about being called “fat” or all the various associated and less genial terms, then he is told to “grow a pair” or “stop being such a pussy.” Guys don’t get NEARLY the pass on their pain as women do. There are no hugboxes for fat guys. We’ve had to learn to toughen up and joke about stuff, because it’s our only option. So when you point out that a guy who is overweight is able to joke about it more, keep that in mind. He had to grow a thick skin and let it roll off him.
I had the same problem with the whole “It Gets Better” campaign. No it doesn’t! Are you fucking kidding me?! It gets worse! Because the bully from high school is now your boss. And you have to put up with his shit. In this economy, walking away from a job is a REALLY dangerous thing to do. Because finding a job with a future is difficult, and it is only going to get moreso. Being the gay kid, the fat kid or whatever you got picked on for, now you are going to get picked on by people who, as statistics have show, get ahead in this world. Life likes people who don’t play fair. People who don’t just accept the bullshit, but push past it. It’s a mean world out there, and the sooner you make peace with that, the sooner you are going to be able to push past it.
But the thing that really gets to me about this, is that I get part of what she said. Being a freak, people look at you differently too. I’ve never been hit on I’ve never been asked out. I almost never get asked to do things with people. My own attempts to reclaim a social life have ended in utter failure. My attempt to reclaim romance ended with my heart getting ripped out by a person who didn’t even care enough to talk to me about her problems. Also, given how tall I am, someone wanting to hold my hand is so impractical. It would be awkward, both for me and for the person I am holding hands with. So yeah, that’s where I get where she came from. And because I am not going to stop being a freak anytime soon, I can anticipate this kind of thing for the rest of my life. Just like she will likely be a fat girl for the rest of her life. We all have a cross to bear.
The thing that we all learn is how to carry it. We each have our mechanism. Some people drink. Some people take drugs. Some people fuck a lot (I miss my college days…). Each and every one of us has our way of escaping from things. However, at the end of the day, remember this – life is waiting for you. And I won’t belittle your intelligence by telling you that you’re beautiful or whatever. Instead, I am going to tell you that you an get tougher. You can push through this to the other side. It doesn’t get better. You get stronger. That is the best thing you can possibly do.
Until next time, a quote,
“I yam what I yam, and that’s all that I Spam.” -Bad Joke