I recently saw the remake to Poltergeist at the behest of a friend who said that we could smuggle in booze and get some laughs. Because something had to be funny, right? Wrong. There was nothing funny. It was boring. It was a bad movie. One of the worst that I’ve seen in a while. It was a total waste of time. Wondering why I never did a review? That’s simple – I walked out. My friend and I finally got too bored to be there, so we walked out and asked for our money back just before the third act. It wouldn’t be fair to do a review of a movie where I didn’t even get to the end of it. This is something that I have been seeing a lot lately.
There are countless remakes and reboot films that are being made. And here’s something that almost ALL of them, with the unfathomably-rare exception, have in common – they all suck. No joke, they are shit. Absolute shit. Total fucking garbage that spits in the face of the films that they are so uncreatively attempting to cash in on. Remember the fear and disturbing imagery from the original Nightmare on Elm Street? Well, don’t you worry! They will recreate that with shitty CG and cardboard characters (save Freddy, who I will give credit. Jackie Earl Hailey was trying his best to make that role good, but he was given nothing to work with) that leave you feeling like you are watching cutouts die in gruesome ways. Did you like the campy and goofy horror of Evil Dead? Well don’t you worry! We’ll turn it into gore porn and then make it not even the tiniest bit frightening.
One of my favorite movies of all time is getting a remake. It is The Secret of NIMH. Originally one of the greatest animated films of all time, from director Don Bluth. Now, it is going to be a mixture of CG and live action. Here’s something else – it’s gonna suck. That’s a fact. How on Earth can you possibly make that good? Unless the set designs for the film mix some brilliant live action environments that have really clever use of props, this is going to be a CG mess with some crappy live-action integration. It’s gonna suck. That’s a fact. Not to mention, I can’t think of anyone who can capture the terror and courage of Mrs. Brisby the way that Don Bluth’s film did. Yeah, it’s gonna suck. That is infuriating enough, but just today, I found out that it gets worse.
Remember the film in the 90’s called Jumanji? It was a classic Robin Williams movie, combining brilliant practical effects with laughable CG and some fantastic acting. The film was made by Robin Williams’ character, and it’s part of the reason that I love it as much as I do. It’s a classic piece of cheesy kid’s film, with some fun effects and memorable characters. Guess what Hollywood, in all their wisdom, is doing? Remaking it, of course! Because let’s shit on the legacy that Robin Williams left with a film that is so OBVIOUSLY going to be cash-grab that is drowning in CG! It’ll be like Jurassic World! Only minus even half of the lacking creativity in that film. This is so annoying! Why does Hollywood have to take good movies and then ruin their legacy by having a shitty remake?!
Oh, and you remember The Crow? That absolutely awesome movie starring Brandon Lee, who tragically died in the making of it? Who died before he clearly could have become an awesome action star? That movie? I think you know where this is going. Hollywood is remaking it! Let’s just shit on the immortal legacy of someone who gave their life to create a work of timeless art. Let’s just shit on that! That’s totally cool, right? One of the greatest and darkest superhero movies of all time, let’s just turn that into CG-filled schlock. Hey, maybe you can get the guy who directed Daredevil to make it! Is Brett Ratner doing anything these days? Yeah, let’s just take a giant fucking dump on classic films. It’ll fill seats in movie theaters, after all!
That’s the truth behind this. These films are being made to cash in on nostalgia. And it makes me sick. Movies that stand the test of time should be left alone. But Hollywood can’t do that. They have to fuck it up, because there’s money to made! Because if good and original ideas can’t be put into films, at least we can make a cash-grab and get people in theaters, right? Wasting money that could potentially go to something truly creative? No? Okay.
Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way. That’s totally possible. I am something of a pretentious pseudo-intellectual who over-analyzes things. But it just seems downright disrespectful to spit on the legacy of great actors and great films to make a stupid cash-grab that is almost-guaranteed to suck. I can’t be the only one who feels this way. There have to be more of you out there. And we have to make our voices heard. It’s time that we demanded some new stuff! Honestly, the comic book films were fun, but now it’s getting kind of old. These remake and reboot cash-grabs are no better. They’re remaking Gremlins, after all. A film that was praised for its brilliant practical effects, they’re going to turn it into a CG filled clusterfuck.
The great works of fiction stand the test of time based on their own merits. But Hollywood seems to disagree. They legitimately seem to believe – remember that awesome movie that you still love? We can make it even better! Here’s hoping that they learn their lesson before they ruin anymore of my childhood favorite. Though, that’s not a stretch. Disney already ruined my favorite of their films, Fantasia, with a shitty Kinect game. So yeah, all hope is lost. Forever.
Until next time, a quote,
“You killed her!” – Peter Shepherd, Jumanji