Going into this movie, I knew that I wasn’t going to like it. I was bored and in a bad mood and lonely the other night, so I finally decided to see if this film really was as bad as I was expecting. This film, in many ways, lived down to my expectations. This was the most boring, by-the-numbers, cliche and uninteresting summer blockbusters I’ve ever seen. Wasting all the good source material the book gave it. Let’s talk about this film. God I am going to regret this.
The plot goes that InGen has finally got all the bugs worked out, and the Park is open for business! You have Chris Pratt’s character, who I like to think is that kid from the first movie, that Grant scared the shit out of, cleaning up his life and then becoming this guy. That makes Pratt’s role in this movie a lot more interesting. I’ll get to the performances soon enough. He once worked for InGen, training their dinosaurs. They want him back, to train a new one. And the plot is the most cookie-cutter monster movie you’ve ever seen. For real, this movie takes ZERO chances with the plot. It’s that predictable. Even the closing is the most predictable fucking thing ever. I don’t like this movie.
So, what to talk about? The effects, perhaps? You know, every movie producer and their friend has railed about how the original film had authenticity by mixing practical and digital effects, so I won’t go into that. Instead, I am going to just go after these effects by themselves. Even by modern standards, these things looked bad. It was all so fake! There is that great parodied scene with Pratt and the raptors, but I couldn’t help but just be so awfully aware of how he wasn’t reacting to something that was in the room. That was my feeling the entire time throughout this movie. It was like nothing was there. Ever. I never thought I would respect the original film the way that I do right now. The CG is dated, but it still holds up because it is used so sparingly. Is no film company willing to at least give practical effects some kind of chance?
And while we’re talking about effects, let’s talk about the monster of the movie. Since this film lacked the ability to be original, it had to have a super-dinosaur, and it was a monster movie. That’s all this movie was. And you know the biggest disappointment in this film – the super-dinosaur. It was so cliche! Like a T-Rex, only smarter and crap. When I heard that they were engineering a super-dinosaur, I had all kinds of messed-up images of potential monsters in my head. The sky’s the limit, when you can mess with genetics. But the reveal was so bad, and I was so bored. Part of me wanted to walk out when I saw the big reveal. 1998’s Godzilla had a better reveal! Oh yeah, I went there.
Next up, let’s talk about the acting. I am so sorry for Chris Pratt in this movie. He is working so hard. For real, he’s a good actor, and he tried his damndest to make this movie work. But he was given absolutely nothing to work with! The stuff with the raptors was the only time that this character got a chance to shine. If it all wasn’t so fake, that could have been some almost emotional stuff. Like they could be a part of his life and he could bond with them in a way that could be touching. It would make the best part of the film – when him and the raptors are on the hunt for the super-dinosaur – so much better. But the rest of the film’s performances were so either boring or just bad. Like Ron Howard’s daughter (or is it niece?). That performance wasn’t Sofia Coppola bad, but it was up there. For one – she is wearing high-heels during the entire film! It’s a disaster with dinosaurs, lady! Get some shoes that are made for a disaster situation! And don’t even get me started on the kid characters. I remember Siskel and his problem with Aliens and having a kid in that. I kind of feel the same way here. Those kids served no purpose, other than to just be afraid and get the audience to feel for them. So dumb.
This film could have been so much better. It really could have. Like, you know something that I think would have been cool – some moments where we see the old island. Tour some ruins of John Hammond’s original vision. Maybe have the original raptors fighting the new ones. That would have been cool. Or making the super-dinosaur at least a little impressive or frightening. This film had so many chances to make something great, and it wasted all of them.
Much like a game I just reviewed not long ago, this film was wasted potential. It had all the ingredients for a good movie, but it just squandered each and every one of them. I knew that I wasn’t going to like this movie, but now I feel like my time was utterly wasted. Thankfully, this film is so utterly forgettable that I am going to not remember it this time next year. Thank god.
5 out of 10