Time is never what one expects it to be, is it? It can ebb, flow, slow and go way too fast. All of these things, are part of the endless experience of going through life. I was watching a film the other night, and it got me thinking about something that I haven’t had in a long time. Something that I’ve missed so much, reminding me that life isn’t what it seems. Because these moments are the things that make life worth it. They truly are. People can talk all they want about the big moments in life. The weddings, the kids, the whatever. Those are important, I get it. But, from where I, in my limited and totally talking-out-of-my-ass experience am sitting, those aren’t the things that truly make life worth living. The things that makes all of the bullshit involved in life worth anything are the quieter moments. The moments where you are wishing that they would never end. When you wish the night would go on forever.
We’ve all had these moments. Well, sometimes they aren’t moments. Sometimes it is an hour, of several hours. That perfect night where everything is going so well, and then you have to see it end. It is when you have those moments that you figure out who you are, and what life means to you.
The last night that I didn’t want to end was when a dear friend of mine was leaving for law school, down in the States. The two of us had become very close, over the years we had known each other. We ended our time together going out to IHOP, as we had always done on a Friday evening. It was a tradition of ours. One of the few things about living in the dorms that was any fun. I hated it there. I hated college. So glad to be out. Nothing but bad memories. Well, almost nothing. It had some good points. Then, she asked me to drive her to the airport. I agreed, because seeing her off felt right. We get to the airport, and we just looked at each other. There was a brief moment where we understood one-another. Then, she posed a thought – she wanted to kiss me. I wasn’t about to say no. Drop-dead-gorgeous and wanting to have a face battle with me (yes, I saw that Tumblr post. It makes a point. Face battle is a cooler term). It was…incredible. For those moments, we had a closeness that I couldn’t describe. Watching her leave, going into that airport, it was hard. Not the hardest thing in recent memory. That was…well, let’s not go there.
The time before that was a night that I was on porch of my house, looking out on the lake. Look to your right. You’ll see the picture I took of it. It was on a shitty camera, but it captured what I wanted to see. The moon was low enough on the lake to make its light spread out over the surface. I was sitting at the table on the deck. My adorable kitty was sitting on that table, getting her head scratched by me. I also had peach yogurt. The two of us just sat there, and I was able to finally speak my mind and feel like things weren’t all that bad. The nights that you wished never end. When I went back inside, and I had to go to sleep, I knew that I would never have another moment just that perfect.
That is the thing about the perfect moments. You never get one like it. It’s like the first time you truly fall in love. You’ll never love someone the same way again. Each of these moments are special. Now, I can already hear the romantics who are going to come in and say –
But Lucien, the whole point is that these moments come ever day! If you love someone, then every day is that way!
That’s not true. It couldn’t be true. An analogy – if Christmas came every day, would it still be special? There are going to be some ho-hum days, in any relationship. It doesn’t matter how awesome you find the person, after a while, you’ll hit a rut. The reality is that 90% of your life is going to be a boring, tedious waste of time. Are you having joyful epiphanies when you eat breakfast? Is each moment a transcendent experience where you learn about yourself? Like when you made some oatmeal and then ate it, while reading the news on your phone or your laptop? I didn’t think so. No, the truth is that the great moments, the ones that make all the tedium, hardship and endless misery that pervades the world worth something are rare. It’s what makes them so precious, and worth keeping close.
It’s summer again. I am at my new apartment. I have no social life. What little I had died with the move to the city I am in now. I have no personal life. My last relationship ended badly, and there are no prospects. I go on walks, around the hospital just down the road from where I live. Those are nice. They make me feel like I am actually alive. That doesn’t happen much. Most of the time, I feel like a corpse. A corpse that has been reanimated. In a lot of respects, that’s true. I was dead, for a time. Technically, I’ve been dead twice. Brought back from the dead, twice. This is my third life, and I feel like parts of me have been taken away with each day. Like a stone being worn down by the sea.
But, there is hope. There is something. It is in those little moments. Those times when I go on walks and pass by this little brook that is just down the road from where I live. I stare at that brook, and for a brief moment, the ugliness falls away. My heart beats again. I wish those moments would last forever. However, that’s not how life works. That said, those moments exist. That gives me hope that better things are coming. Better things might come my way. It’s a wonderful feeling.
Never take for granted the moments where you wish that it didn’t have to end. It’s so easy to become jaded, like me. It’s so easy to see the world and not notice the little moments that are extraordinary. I still notice them. If I can, a man whose depression has become so powerful that it guides every waking decision I make, then anyone can. No matter how bad the darkness is, there is a light in there. A light that reminds you the truth about time and how it works. In fact, I think that I’ll end this post on that thought. Hopefully you can enjoy your moments too.
Until next time, a quote,
“They say that time is as a river, flowing continuously in one direction. I can tell you that they are wrong. Time is an ocean in a storm.” -The Prince, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time