(An old thing I wrote, a long time ago)
I see her there, in that house. The summer has just begun. There is three months of freedom ahead of me! What bliss! Nothing but time and happiness. What more could a kid want? I get to the house, and she’s sitting in the chair, reading a book. Short shorts and a tee shirt. Seeing her makes me so happy. The summer makes me happy too. I could sit out in that wind for a lifetime. Indeed, that’s the best thing about summer – the wind. The wind ties it all together. Makes it real. The heat isn’t our favorite thing, but that wind makes everything worthwhile.
Greeting her, I go inside. She says hi and smiled at me. That smile, it’s so nice. For the longest time, I have felt like there is something that I should say to her. But the words escape me. Am I too young? Maybe. Or maybe it’s just something beyond my grasp. Still, every time I see her, my heart lights up. What is this feeling? Beating so fast. Where does this emotion come from? What does all this mean? I shake my head, putting it out of my mind. We have a whole summer ahead of us! I’m not gonna waste a moment of it.
Do adults have these lazy afternoons? Are they able to enjoy this time, like I do? I don’t think so. I don’t think so. They’re always going to work, and then coming home tired and seemingly unhappy. I am not looking forward to becoming an adult. What do they have going on in their lives? Doesn’t seem like much. No video games, no books, no nothing. Just gardening, garage stuff and whatnot. Geez, is that fun?
So many great plans. Swimming in my uncle’s pool. Hanging and talking on the trampoline. Going out to our secret fort and spending time. This is the life! Though part of me always wondered what it’s like to be some small town kid. I live out in the middle of nowhere. Nothing but poor people, out here. Everywhere you look, poor people, in the shabbiest houses. It’s pretty bad. Is that also what adulthood is like? I can’t even imagine.
My best friend will be around too. Him and I don’t get to see enough of each other. We can hang out in our secret room in the basement, where we can make our perfect utopia and muse about whatever is on our minds. He is the brother I never had. The sibling I always wanted. She’ll hang with us too. That’s good. The three of us are inseparable. I hope that I never have to leave where they are. The three of us can do stuff forever. We can see movies and play games and hang out. That’s all I really want. Sure, I want to write and stuff, but that’s just work. All I really needs is him and her.
If I had more guts, I’d talk to her. Maybe try and tell her about these weird feelings I have inside me. It seems so good. Like, every time we’re in a room together, the world looks so much better. Then there are the later times. We will hang out late in the day, sitting in her room and listening to Pure Moods. She has this trippy glitter lamp that makes the walls all shiny and purple. I hope to get one of those myself, someday. Makes me wish I could describe this feeling better. Like, my heart pounds. We were at the lake, the other day. Just talking and swimming and stuff. We were next to each other, and all I wanted to do was be closer. She was close to me, and that was enough. What is that? Love? That seems like the right word. But, it’s weird, right? We’ve known each other forever. And…never mind. I just, if this is what I think it is, I don’t know what I’ll do. Tell her? I wish I could. I really do.
Summer is my favorite time of year. It gets me to writing this stuff. You should see my drawer with writing in it. It’s freaking crazy! Got so much stuff! I’m writing this in my “journal.” Yeah, doesn’t even deserve the name. I almost never write in this. Christmas is cool and all, but summer is freedom. Maybe, someday, if things change between her and I, I’ll be able to tell her. Until then, I guess that’s what it is. I think it is love. I love her. So weird, saying that out loud. I love her. The more I say it, the more it’s real. Guess I couldn’t stay a little kid forever.
That’s my mission – find a point, before the end of the summer, that I can tell her. That’s what I’m going to do! Wish me luck.
(The tragic part is – I never did. When I finally was able to tell her, the story was been and gone. That is something I’ll always regret. It breaks my heart, every time)
Until next time, a quote,
“Well, I doubt we can be together forever. But isn’t that what growing up’s all about? What’s important isn’t how often we see each other, but how often we think about each other. Right?” – Hayner, Kingdom Hearts II.5 ReMIX