Lucien’s First Take: Pixels

There’s a rule on the Internet – the moment that you think that you’ve seen the dumbest thing, someone comes along and proves you wrong.  There have been a lot of stupid video game movies made.  You know something that they all have in common – not one of them is so bad that it’s good.  They have all been either totally forgettable or pieces of shit that take such a dump on their source material that you are left in a rage because of it.  After many years of video game movies being terrible, we may finally have a contender for movie in this genre that is so bad that it’s good.  Either that, or, as was my reaction when I saw the trailer – this is the stupidest thing that has ever come to be.  Ladies and Germs, I give you – Pixels.

Why am I not surprised that the stupidest film I’ve seen pitched has Adam Sandler and Kevin James in it?  You’d think that this would shock me on some level.  But it doesn’t.  It just makes me think that Hollywood has hit the bottom of the barrel, and it can’t go any lower.

This is so dumb.  I mean, as concepts go, I can’t think of how this could get dumber.  So, there is an alien race who caught the probe we launched into space that was meant to talk to aliens.  They look at our video games, and this somehow makes them believe that we are looking for war?  And they imitate the 80’s arcade games to attack us…?  Am I the only one who thinks that this is really fucking stupid?  I can’t be.  I just can’t.  There has to be someone else out there who gets why this is the stupidest thing under the sun.

Why would the aliens do this?!  It makes no sense!  They see we have video games, so they want to emulate them to attack us?!  What alien species is dumb enough to be that ridiculous?!  What, did the alien race just want to fuck with us?!  I can’t get over how dumb this is!  Ugh!

Next you have Adam Sandler, who I’m sure is going to be some major arcade nerd who uses his arcade knowledge to fight the aliens.  Because anything else would make this movie use at least one or two more brain cells.  And I’m sure that Kevin James is his buddy, or the mentor he has or 80’s arcade games.  Together, they’ll use their very specific talents to save the world!  Wow.  When you say it out loud…it’s really fucking stupid!  This is driving me nuts!

What person greenlit this?!  What person thought – hey, this sounds like a good idea!  Let’s make a movie that makes ZERO sense and force it on the American people.  Ooo, we can make it have 80’s arcade games, to play to nostalgia!  Have Pac-Man eating a fire truck!  And when he eats it, it turns into really huge pixels, for some reason.  Because that totally makes a lot of sense, right?  It has Adam Sandler in it, so our audience is most likely going to be Happy Madison Productions audience.  Making a film that is smart is above their cognitive abilities.  So yeah, let’s do this!

I cannot begin to describe how dumb I find this.  To do so would require hours of a tirade that I know you don’t want to listen to.  Don’t worry, I won’t subject you to it.  This film isn’t going to be good.  However, it may have the potential to be so bad that it’s amazing.  More likely, when I watch this on Netflix, I will be wanting to beat the television to death with my spine.  We’ll see how it plays out.

Initial Verdict
3 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

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