A few things, before we get too far into this. This game has already got a ton of flak, and Brianna Wu, it’s designer, says that it is from angry GGers like myself. But here’s the thing, Brianna – a good game stands on its own. I think Phil Fish is a giant piece of uninspired shit (who never gave anyone back any of the money they gave him when he bailed on FEZ II. But that’s Kickstarter for ya), but I think that FEZ was quite the game. It also proved that you don’t need the most cutting-edge visuals in order for a game to be good. I’m down with that, in a big way. Brianna, I think you are a foul human being. You exploited the death of Amber Lynn Schraw to sell your victimhood, which I cannot stress enough how disgusting I think that is. But I am going to give the trailer for your game a fair shake. After all, you got through the Steam Greenlight process. Although, from what I’ve seen, almost anybody can get through that. Still, I am going to give you an honest discussion about what I see. Let’s get started.
Um…this is boring. That’s the best term I can use to describe it. This trailer and this game look SO dull. I don’t even think it looks bad. It just don’t even think it looks interesting. Let’s get more specific.
The character models are hideous. I get the idea was to go with a retro feel, but it doesn’t look good. Maybe it’s the hair. At least two of them are sporting the Sarah Palin look, which makes me want to hang them from the highest tree. But there is one thing that genuinely grates on me – the voice acting. Oh dear GOD is that bad! I swear, I have heard more convincing dialogue from infomercials! For real, there is this one where a woman lost her car, and she speaks with such forced emotion that it is laughable. This doesn’t even have that status! This was just ear-sodomy! Whatever qualities this trailer has for being boring,, the voice acting is horrendous in every way. Without that, I would have given it a flat 5 out of 10. With it? Well, we’ll get there.
Then there is the combat system. For real, how does that even work? You’re on this grid, doing stuff in real time on a grid? I couldn’t get a feel for it. It looks like you are mixing QTE segments in there too. Well that’s just swell. This looks unnecessarily complicated, but whatever. Something tells me that I am never going to play this game. I only spend money on stuff that looks worth it. Being poor does that to you. Gotta count your pennies.
There is one thing that I want to address, Brianna. It was a comment on the Steam forum. You already tried to bait people into talking shit about you, so you can use that as ammo when your game got bad ratings. People didn’t take the bait. But then there’s this little tidbit…
Given the aesthetic of the original Mass Effect, there is an argument to be made for how it looks kind of retro. But you can-NOT look at that trailer and say that this game is on the same level as Heavy Rain. Maybe your buddies at Kotaku and Gawker will say that, but no reviewer worth their salt will listen to that ear-sodomy voice-acting and say that it is on the same level of Heavy Rain. Who did you bribe to say that? I’m with this person, who accused you of having said that. Not for a minute do I believe that anyone else did. It’s nice to see that you are able to do shameless self-promotion alongside shameless professional-victimhood.
But I got off topic. Still, it was worth talking about. Back to the objective look at that trailer. The game looks boring. It’s like a boring sci-fi novel got made into a boring video game. But then there is that voice acting, and I just can’t let that slide. It is bad in a way that I haven’t seen in a LONG time. What was that game that Angry Joe tore to pieces two years ago? Ride to Hell? Yeah, it’s worse than that.
Take that however you will. Oh, and before you go off on me picking on you for being a woman, I am going to be doing a review in the not-too-distant future of a video game made by Native Americans in my home state, that is actually really good. Good games can come from anywhere. Except for you, apparently.
3 out of 10