A lot of apologists like Kent Hovind and Ken Ham have tried to make a case for what happened in the Bible being fact and not involving any magic at all. None. They say that what happened in there could have happened in real life, and actually did. There was once a YouTuber called NephillumFree who used to make videos that talked about this. Those were the days, right? So many of the hardcore Creationist types try to argue that they don’t believe in magic. But here’s the thing – that’s not true. At all. If you believe in God, then you can’t get around how almost everything he does is magic. How do I know this? Well, let’s look at some examples of how this is impossible, using the Bible as our reference point.
10. Samson’s Magic Hair
Book of Judges
Let’s start with a fun example. The story of Samson is about an insane psychopath who murders the shit out of a ton of people, often in horrific ways. He ends up with a woman named Delilah, who manages to con the truth about his unfathomable strength from him – his hair. That’s right, it’s in his hair. His hair is the key to his strength. Cut it off, and he’s a complete bitch. And that’s what his enemies do. They then rip out his eyes and force him to be their amusement. He begs God, who decides to break his own dumb rules about the magic power and give Samson back his strength, thereby allowing him to kill everyone there, which is estimated to be over 1,000 people. So yeah, his hair?! Are you kidding me?! He had Hulk strength from his hair? Please, show me the scientific correlation between hair length and Hulk-levels of strength. Also, I refuse to believe that there is am an stupid enough to be fooled by his wife three times, when it was obvious that she was manipulating him. Who can possibly be that stupid?! So yeah, that is impossible. His hair!
9. The 10 Plagues of Egypt
Book of Exodus
I don’t think I have to explain this one to you. Now, some of these are able to be understood. Like the river becoming blood could have been a blooming form of bacteria. The locust and fly invasion could have happened in the real world. But the falling storm of frogs from the sky? Okay. The falling of stones from the sky? Straining credulity. The real icing on the cake, however, is the story of the death of the first-born. For real, give me a scientific explanation for this. I mean, by the story’s admission, an angel walks through the town and does the deed. So yeah, it’s murder. But the thing to pay attention to is – it’s murder without a cause that doesn’t involve magic. This one was an easy mark, we admit.
8. Talking Snake/Magic Tree with Magic Fruit
Book of Genesis
Man, this all feels so easy. How is it that people actually buy into this like it actually happened? For starters – snakes do not possess the self-awareness of the mental powers to speak the human language. Not to mention that it was another magical entity that supposedly took control of it anyway, so yeah. Then there is the magic tree with the magic fruit. God says that it contains knowledge. Telling that the thing that he tells his first creation to stay away from is knowledge. Religion has always had a problem with people asking questions. In any case, the fruit on this tree somehow has the ability to give people “knowledge.” A very vague term, if you really think about it. Not to mention, it will make them susceptible to death. A concept that they know nothing about before that. So yeah, lots of little holes in there.
7. The Virgin Birth (Story of Jesus)
Gospel of Luke and Matthew
Yeah, only two Gospels even talk about this, and both of them have contradicting stories. But whatever. Let’s not get bogged down. Here’s the thing – parthenogenesis (the term for virgin birth) in humans is possible. In theory, anyway. However, were it to actually happen, here’s the thing – it could NOT produce male offspring. That’s right, if we are to believe the story about Jesus’ birth, and to believe that all the things in the Bible are fact, in the real universe where magic doesn’t exist, then Jesus Christ is not a man. He’s a woman.
6. Lot’s Wife Becoming Salt
Book of Genesis
This one is just patently absurd. I mean, what is God, the Crimson Alchemist. That’s the one, right? He can turn the chemical compounds into explosives. If memory serves, one of the compounds is salt. He could alter the chemistry in it to make it into an explosive. There is no possible way that a human being could instantly be turned to salt. It’s just more magic in the Bible.
5. Lazarus Being Raised from the Dead
Gospel of John
Now this has been a rather hot-button one among Biblical scholars. The fact that the story is in only one of the Gospels is telling. But yeah, Jesus is told by a woman that her husband is dead. He hears the story and goes to the tomb. He shouts, “Hey Lazarus, come on out!” He comes out, his wife feints, and there was much rejoicing (Yay…). Do I even need to explain this. According to the story, he had been dead long enough to be decomposing. He was starting to stink. Yet he comes out like nothing happened. It wasn’t like the guy was clawing at the door or something. Jesus had the tomb opened and called in for the dude to come out. So yeah, this makes no sense. Unless Lazarus was a zombie, this is ridiculous. There is no possible way that someone calling to a dead guy can wake him up.
4. The Entire Book of Revelations
Book of Revelations
There was this great quote by Neil DeGrasse Tyson –
So, for example, if you knew nothing about science, and you read, say, the Bible, the Old Testament, which in Genesis, is an account of nature, that’s what that is, and I said to you, give me your description of the natural world based only on this, you would say the world was created in six days, and that stars are just little points of light much lesser than the sun. And that in fact, they can fall out of the sky, right, because that’s what happens during the Revelation.
In the Book of Revelations, the moon becomes like blood. There is a best with ten heads and a crown on each head, that eats the baby of a woman. There are so many points of plot that literally could not happen. At all. Ever. Though do tell me how we are seeing so many signs of it because of random things. I’m all ears. Try and show me how it’s all just allegorical. The last bastion of people who can’t accept that something is bullshit.
3. Creation of Man/Woman
Book of Genesis
So yeah, God decides to make some dirt together, breathe on it, and make a man. I could end this there and that would be that. I mean, seriously. What else is there to say? There is no possible way that you can shape dirt and make a man. That is totally insane. Next, there’s where woman came from. In one story in Genesis, God creates them at the same time. In another, there’s another where God tells Adam to lay down. He then reaches inside of him, pulls out a rib and turns that into a woman. That is not possible.
2. Noah’s Ark
Book of Genesis
There was a rather phenomenal video made by DarkMatter2525 about this. I’ll let him explain how this is nuts.
There are two points that he didn’t bring up that I will add. The first is that the ark that Noah used would have been destroyed. The largest wooden ship ever created was several times smaller than Noah’s Ark, and it’s own size ended up destroying it, because it twisted in the ocean. Next – there is no possible rain that would have filled the world with water above Mt. Everest. Ever. So yeah, this is insane.
And all of this culminates in the biggest thing that couldn’t scientifically exist in the Bible…
What is the thing that connects the disparate elements of all of these impossibilities? God. He is the thing that makes it all possible, if you believe all that to be true. God is the being with magical powers and the ability to do all of this. And with so much magic that is connected to this being, then the ultimate thing in the Bible that does not exist, if only the rules of this universe exist, is God.
So, what stories do you know from the Bible that are completely impossible? Let me know in the comments section.
Until next time, a quote,
“I’m not beating you over the head. I’m not saying, ‘Learn this, or else!’ It’s an offering. It’s like, ‘here it is, and here’s why it matters.” -Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Moyers and Company