Well, since Sony has decided that they are going to pussy out and give into the demands of terrorists, I thought to myself – if we’re going to ban a movie that really hurts no one, how about the movies that are either totally awful or inevitably did so much damage, either to a franchise or to the company that made it. Since Sony has set a precedent for companies kowtowing to the demands of any terrorist who makes threats that even the FBI says are unsubstantiated, here a bunch of other movies that I wouldn’t mind seeing to never exist. Hey hackers, get some time powers and help me out, here.
I genuinely do not get where all the buzz for this movie comes from. For real, I kept hearing about how it broke so many Disney tropes. Is that so? Right, because it wasn’t a princess story. Nope. And it also didn’t have the girl getting with a guy at the end, right? Oh, wait, it did. Ah, but it was about love conquering all! Snap, that isn’t new for Disney, either. Man, what originality did this movie bring to that table? I remember now. It was that song that was marketed like it was nobody’s business – Let it Go. Yes, you couldn’t go anywhere without hearing about that song. That boring, underwhelming pop song that had some neat visuals. That’s why people loved it. Yeah, that movie could have gone and I would be happy.
Now, this is the entire series. These movies have butt-raped the childhoods of so many people who were born in the 80’s. These movies cemented Michael Bay’s status as a person who can make absolute shit and still make a fuckton of money. It is the franchise that taught Michael Bay that he shouldn’t even bother striving for anything other than popcorn garbage. Don’t reach for the stars. You’re not any good at it anyway. It’s ironic that a recent video game in this franchise did more justice than the film did. These movies are boring, incessantly racist, vaguely homophobic and just a pain to sit through. Why are they so popular? Oh, right, because they appeal to teen boys, who are just discovering boobies and like explosions. So, in other words – people too dumb to appreciate subtlety. If the hackers had stopped these movies, that would have been nice.
This movie pick could be symbolic of a couple different kinds of movies that I want to see go the way of the dodo. One is Uwe Boll movies. But, that kinda solved itself. Turns out, when you make garbage that nobody sees for a certain amount of time, studios don’t give you work anymore. Who knew? While the Internet may want to string Boll up for the shit he’s made, as I would love to do for this movie, which ruined the reputation of one of the sexiest video game badasses, he isn’t the problem. No, the problem is that hackers need to stop video game movies! For real, without a single exception, all movies based on video games have sucked. Horribly. This one is by far the worst (in my opinion), and if hackers could stop any future movies being made from games, that’d be just peachy.
I cannot begin to tell you how much I despise this movie. The fact that it was nominated or the film of its year just baffles me. How could people like this movie? For starters, unobtanium? How would Death Battle describe it? Oh, right – another stupidly-named metal that is many times lighter and stronger than titanium. That right there makes the film unwatchable. But it keeps going! You have the white man coming in to the tribe of natives and be better at being native than the natives. That’s almost racist, if these were real people. I’m learning something about Dances with Wolves. Then, you have the ultimate cliche – the hero nearly dies, but then the people’s god revives him. That’s right, their tree god is not only real, but also has supernatural powers. Ugh!
Now, I don’t hate this movie for the same reasons that I hate Avatar. Don’t get me wrong, Avatar is ripping this movie off to the letter. However, I hate this movie for a far different reason. This was the film that began the fall from grace that was Disney’s 2D animation. How many 2D animated films do you even see anymore? Hell, Studio Ghibli has gotten out of the game! I love animated films, and to see this style be on its death knell is more than I can stand. It all started with this movie. Following on the heels of The Lion King, this movie couldn’t have disappointed audiences more. For starters, it’s preachy. Really, really preachy. Second, it’s boring. The characters aren’t that good, the animation isn’t too great. It’s just dull. Finally, the music is equally-preachy! People don’t like movies to treat them like they are five, and it shows. This movie started something, and for that, it deserves to have been hacker-denied.
Do I really have to say why this movie should have had hacker-attacks on it? EVERYTHING is wrong with this movie! Everything! The casting is wrong. The acting is wrong. The plot is wrong. The REALLY-pretentious feminist message is wrong. Nothing is good about this movie. It isn’t just the worst superhero movie, it’s one of the worst movies I have ever seen. This film ruined the reputation of this character for years. Comic book nerds hated it, filmgoers hated it. Why did this movie get green-lit? Hackers, where the fuck were you on this?!
Hey hackers, here’s a chance for you to do some good! See, there is this Deadpool movie being made. The leaked trailer for it looks sick! But then, we hear something from 20th Century Fox – it’s going to be PG-13! Well, great. All the potential for raunchy humor and over-the-top gore is totally ruined because they have to try and go to appeal to the family audience. Why do theaters do this?! For real, why? Deadpool is a raunchy, weird and deeply twisted character. That’s part of the charm. To take that and deliberately dumb it down, this movie is going to suck. So yeah, since you all are clearly more powerful than film corporations (because they’ll do whatever you say), here’s a chance for you to really make good on this. Get on it!
3. The Last Airbender
Fuck M. Night. For real, fuck him. Not only did he make one of the worst movies of all time, but he shits on one of the greatest anime series ever made. Where the fuck were you hackers when this came out? For real, you guys are dropping the ball here! In fact, let’s just make this a referendum that you all should stop any and all future M. Night Shyamalan movies. Here is a man who became so big with his first major film, only to turn his name into box office suicide. Even films that he just produces can’t get a good reaction. But yeah, this movie is the worst. The absolute worst. The acting is on the level of middle school plays. The effects are laughable. They fuck over the awesomeness of bending elements. Everything that could be said about it has been, so let’s just leave it at this – don’t let M. Night do this again!
Another series of movies that you lot should have been all over stopping. Not only has it done irreparable damage to the romantic expectations for a generation of young women, but it helped legitimize one of the worst authors I have ever seen. For real, Stephanie Meyer is just the worst. Part of me is glad that her name has also been turned into suicide, because it means that all her future stuff will be laughed off-stage. Thank god. But yes, you have a glittering, gay vampire, a hunky and supportive werewolf, and one of the most manipulative bitches to ever greet cinema, who has this delusion idea that throwing yourself off a cliff is love. Seriously, how did you all not think of the teen girls with that? Is that the values system that you want to spread? You hackers are a bunch of dicks.
And the movie that the hackers should have made terroristic threats to prevent is…
1. The Star Wars Prequels (all of them)
For everyone who grew up loving the original Star Wars films, seeing George Lucas come in and shit all over their love, for three consecutive movies, was more than we can bear. It’s the reason that I couldn’t care less for the new Star Wars film. I got it out of my system with the prequels. Do you see what they have done to society?! Do you understand how awful these are?! How could you let this happen?! You bastards! You sat back and let a man who never got argument from anyone turn his greatest creation into a steaming pile of shit! How could you do that?! The damage is done, but it could have been prevented. You people could have done this. Now, we have to live in a world where they exist. Screw you, hackers. Screw you.
So, what movies would you have liked or would like to see the hackers prevent from happening. After all, since Sony has decided to pussy out, along with Paramount, who was going to have Team America: World Police play instead of The Interview, we have essentially made it so that terrorists can tell Hollywood what to do. Let me know in the comments section.
Until next time, a quote,
“The strong flourish, while the weak perish. It is the law of nature.” -Javik, Mass Effect 3