There was a term that Lois uses on Family Guy to describe the film Vanilla Sky. The term is – cinematic abortion. That’s what this movie is. It is painful to sit through. This has been an odd year in that a TON of religious-propaganda films have come out. They all, without a single exception, have one thing in common – they all suck. Some have sucked to a point where they are fun to watch, like God’s Not Dead. Others are still bad, but not so awful that it pains me to watch, like Persecuted or Noah. That was not this. This film is one of the worst pieces of shit that I have ever seen. Period. It was painful, from start to finish. Nothing was good. Nothing was enjoyable. I just lost over an hour of my life. I’ll never get it back! Kirk Cameron, I want my fucking hour back! You owe me! I have to put out my review of this, because you all need to understand why seeing this movie is wrong! Let’s get this over with.
The plot of this movie is about a man who is so cast to be like Scrooge McDuck that I am going to just call him by title. Scrooge has come to dislike Christmas, and refuses to take part in it, much to the chagrin to his family and their stereotypical gay black friend. So, Kirk Cameron, who clearly is playing himself (because he can’t act), goes out to the car where Scrooge is sitting and the two talk about Christmas and what it really means. Does he eventually come around to thinking that Christmas is awesome and Jesus is great too? You bet your cliched ass he does! Even does a sliding run into the Christmas tree and presents. Ugh…
So, here’s the part where I talk about the elements of the film. Why do I do this to myself? This is almost cruel and unusual punishment. I know, I have to. I hope you all appreciate what I put myself through for you. NOTHING in this movie works. Nothing. The cinematography is boring, except for some weird shots where it is entire too self-aware. There is this dance number that comes right the fuck out of nowhere at the end, and the way they shoot it, everyone is just too aware of the camera’s existence. The entire end of this film is like an acknowledgement that it’s all a movie, and doesn’t mean a fucking thing. It’s so annoying!
While we’re talking about that, let’s address the characters. Scrooge is such a caricature. He is meant to be one of the atheists like me, who think that Christmas is just a corporate holiday, and that Christians stole it from the pagans (which is the absolute truth). However, Cameron takes it a step further. He believes that Jesus was born on December 25th. I guess he never saw that bit in The Boondocks where Huey explains why the idea of Jesus being born on the 25th of December makes no sense. Yeah, Cameron doesn’t logic much, and it shows. His inability to logic is all over this film. Every other character is such a stereotype. You have the concerned wife stereotype, the gay black friend stereotype, the bland kids who clearly don’t know what they are doing in this movie stereotype. Yeah, whoever lent this film their kids, it wasn’t worth it. I wouldn’t want to be associated with anything having to do with this movie.
So, how’s the message? Well, I don’t suppose I need to tell you. It’s dumb. Really, really dumb. For starters, the whole idea of “putting Christ back in Christmas” is the bread and butter of Fox News each holiday season. Can’t wait to see what their “War on Christmas” line is this year. It’s gotten so predictable. Here’s some truth for any Christians who happen to read this – the story of Jesus’ birth is bullshit. Here’s why – the earliest Gospel doesn’t even talk about it. What’s more, there are two conflicting narratives. In the first, Caesar Augustus says that there is a census of his Empire being done, and all people are to return to their towns of origin. Never mind that such a huge undertaking would have been recorded by somebody. Let’s just forget the small plot holes in the story. The other story is the one that most people know. King Herrod is told that a king is going to be born who will rule all men. So, he has his soldiers go out and slaughter all the baby boys of the land. Again, you’d think that that would have been talked about by somebody. Inconsistency? What’s that? Not to mention – the whole virgin birth thing makes no sense. After all, human parthenogenesis is theoretically possible, but here’s the kicker – it wouldn’t produce male offspring. No Y chromosome. But yeah, if you take apart all the plot holes in the Bible, people get upset.
Now that I’ve lectured you about this film’s history, I want to tell you all another neat fact about how bad this movie is – Kirk Cameron has decided to take on Rotten Tomatoes, which took this movie to town in the rating department. He posted on his Facebook page, asking his readers to go on Rotten Tomatoes and give the film a higher rating, so more people see it. That worked…for a while. See, the atheists also went on the site and rated the movie, giving it the rating it deserves. Kirk, if your movie is so terrible that you are having to use your status to get people to watch it, it’s doomed anyway. Are you going to keep appealing to people forever?
This movie is the worst. The absolute worst. It is an hour and a half of time that I will never get back, and if I ever see Kirk Cameron, I’m kicking him the balls for having to sit through this. People should do the same for Michael Bay movies. It would be fitting punishment. I hated ever second watching this. Porn has more believability than these characters. I at least believe that they are real people, faking emotional interaction. This film deserves the title – cinematic abortion. The ONLY people who will like this garbage is people who already know what they are getting. People who want to hear the Christian echo chamber. In other words – Fox News viewers.
Dumb out of 10