My birthday’s coming up soon. When exactly it is is something I’m not comfortable telling all of you. Sorry, we just aren’t that tight. But it’s in the not-too-distant future and I have been thinking about how old I’ve gotten. Kind of staring down the barrel of adulthood, and it isn’t a pleasant feeling. I keep wanting things to change, and have been working to make that happen. Alas, my efforts have been for naught. Something we don’t teach kids anymore – you can bust your ass and try your hardest and still fail. It’s an important lesson, but people don’t want to talk about that anymore. It’s easier to just talk about happy stuff. People do like sunshine blown up their ass.
I made a list of stuff that I wanted for my birthday and Christmas. Might as well make it simple, right? It wasn’t an especially long list. I’m not nearly as materialistic as I used to be. I have kind of realized that the things that I truly want can’t be bought at a store. They can’t be given to me in the way that someone thinks about. They have to come from somewhere else. Somewhere better. I got to thinking – what do I really want for my birthday? Well, I came up with a more reasonable list of the things that I wish I could have for the day when I was brought into this shitty world.
My attempts to reclaim a social life, ever since I lost the apartment that my ex and I shared. I had a bunch of people that I know and I thought that I could reclaim some of my old socialization. However, that was a big wasted effort. It seems that in my time away, the world moved on. I should have seen that coming. I mean, why would it stay the way I left it? I got older, and so did everyone else. We all had obligations and whatnot come into our lives. But yeah, our attempts to reconnect and to forge some new connections were a complete bust, which bums me out because I am feeling pretty lonely, lately. It’s no fun to realize that you don’t fit into the lives of people who you used to be close with. That they up and became different people on you.
I would like more time to chill with people. I would like people who actually want to hang. For years, it’s always had to be me who schedules things. It’s always had to be me who makes the time. It’s always had to be me who goes out of my way to get things happening. It’s always had to be me! It makes it pretty clear that I’m not the first person people want to chill with. I doubt I’m the second or third, for that matter. I’m that guy who is fun when they’re around, but not missed when they aren’t. I’d like to have people to chill with. One person in-particular. I keep hoping that we’ve reconnected, but it looks like that was a false hope. Like most things in my life.
Life to Stop Giving Me the High Hard One
I’m about to graduate college. Assuming that one of my classes doesn’t continue to fuck with me. That is a grand assumption, believe me. Probably the grandest of assumptions. Lady Luck has been making me her bitch ever since I was 14, following a head injury that killed me for less than a minute. I don’t know what I did to make it so that she would continually hurt me, but I guess that I was the person she picked. It had to be somebody, right?
I have a ton of medical problems, and am about to lose my insurance. I am going to have a degree, one that could open doors for me, but I have no idea what to do with it. I have a ton of debt that my time in college has given me. I have no romantic interests. I have nobody who seems to want me around. I am a ship adrift, in an ocean that seems to have no stars. No way to steer my compass. All I want is for life to just give me a fucking break. I’d say I earned it, haven’t I? I’ve done my best to be a good person, not caring especially much the cost. I’ve been a loyal friend, being there for my people when they needed me. I was a damn good boyfriend, though that didn’t get me far. What is it about me that makes it so that life can’t just cut me a fucking break?! I suppose it might be arrogant. I know that I’m not the only one. And believe it or not, I want it to get better for them too. After all, all we’ve got is each other. It has given me a unique perspective on living that gives me a sense of camaraderie with my fellow down-trodden.
Sunny and Windy Days, along with Starry Nights
I hate winter. For real, I fucking hate it. All I want is for it to go away. Where is climate change when we need it? I just want to have a warm and sunny day, with peaceful nights. Maybe some ocean breeze and the sound of the ocean. Just something to make the world seem like a less lonely place. I love the city for its convenience of getting things, but I love the country for its beauty. It’s a cruel mix of things being difficult and hard to work with. If only there was some middle ground. But the real reason that I want that is because I want a place where I can sleep. I am tired. I am so fucking tired. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of working hard for no reward. I’m tired of trying to not be alone, only to end up lonelier than ever. I’m tired of staring at the same ceiling, when all I want to do is pack my shit in my car and leave, never to return.
Yeah, that sounds nice. I set down in some new town. Make a new life, have a new name. Nobody would know who I am, and I could be a whole new person. A pity that the cost of living and especially the cost of moving is so damn expensive. I could get down with that. A friend told me about this motel that she wanted to buy in California. It is always busy during the summer, when tourists head up to the redwood forest. The people who run it are incompetent. I could do better. I would be good at running a business. I could make the place better. Sure, during the off months I am going to get a lot of couples fucking. Whatever. That’s the cost of doing business. But I could make it better. Live pretty well, maybe in the motel. I don’t need much, after all. Though I shouldn’t deny a potential room. Less money.
But there is one thing that I want that I can’t find in any store. It’s something that I can’t find anywhere, try as I might. I’ll look my whole life. I doubt I ever will.
To be Happy
Until next time, a quote,
“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.” -Ned Vizzini