Lucien’s First Take: Fantasia: Music Evolved

For those of you who don’t know, my favorite Disney film is also my second favorite film of all time.  It was my favorite film up until I saw The Sky Crawlers and 5 Centimeters Per Second, which are now tied for the top slot.  This was the first Disney film that I ever saw.  It was what got me so in love with music.  I LOVE that film.  It has such resonance with me that if you sit my ass in front of a TV and put that on, I’m just fine.  For real, I’m set.  If you want to talk to me, I can do that, except when Rite of Spring, Nutcracker and A Night on Bald Mountain are playing.  Seriously, you shut the fuck up when those come on.

I remember seeing the trailers for the sequel, Fantasia 2000, and I was like – oh fuck yeah!  It looked amazing!  And aside from the TERRIBLE cameo openings to some of the skits (which were PAINFUL to watch), it was everything I wanted and then some.  For real, the scenes with Pines of Rome, Rhapsody in Blue and The Firebird, you can shut the fuck up.  I’m busy.

I wrote an entire post about what I would love to see in a third movie.  I would have loved it if they got Studio Ghibli to put their talents into a part of the film, using some music from famous Japanese composers.  I can think of a couple off the top of my head who would be nice for that.  Pixar could have created something of theirs to add in.  With a third film, and all these studios they have, they could have let the animation BREATHE a little!  I can see it all in my head, and it looks awesome!  You know what I can’t see?  You know the thing that I never saw when I thought of a new venture into the world of Fantasia – a fucking video game for the fucking Kinect!  Seriously, what the fuck?!

Here’s a preview to this game that I can already tell you is going to be a giant piece of shit –

Seriously, what the fuck is that?!  Disney, I’m going to try and contain the bottomless depths of my rage and actually talk to you for a moment – what in the HELL were you thinking?!  What on Earth compelled you to make a game about Fantasia?  What compelled you to make it for the Kinect?!  Have you seen the Kinect’s track record?!  That thing is worse than were you unaware of Sonic Free Riders and Star Wars Kinect?  Has nobody told you about how much nobody likes the Kinect?  The latest version of the Xbox One (a system I never mean to own) doesn’t come with it.  Microsoft finally decided to stop trying to get the public to like this piece of crap.

But you know, I could actually forgive all that.  I could actually be willing to give this trash a chance, until you make it clear – this thing will have modern music!  WHAT?!  No!  Modern music?!  Modern popular garbage?!  With words?!  Did you all just forget what Fantasia was supposed to represent?!  Did you all just forget why people were such fans of the film in the first place?  I literally don’t understand how you could possibly believe that this was a good idea.

But you know, I think that I know where this came from.  Just like all other terrible decisions of exploitation on video games, it came from you seeing a chance to make a cheap buck.  After all, if we’ve learned anything from the video games that you are behind over the last 10 or so years, it’s that you don’t care about them and are trying to pander to kids.  Well, nice work, Disney, you branched out.  Instead of pandering to kids, you are now trying to pander to brainless teenagers.  Well isn’t that special.

If only Walt could see you now – a greedy, money-grubbing company that butt-fucks all of your past successes.  It’s not enough to just let a good idea lie.  No, you have to exploit it, because it can still make you money.  For as bad as the intros and one of the skits in Fantasia 2000 (the one with the flamingos) are, I could still see a TON of heart put into that.  Heart that is CLEARLY not in this piece of shit!  This is pandering at its worse, and laziness at its best.

See, I think I’ve figured out what Disney does now, having become a giant and totally evil megacorporation that is trying to take over all entertainment.  See, here’s how it works, and I learned this from when I saw the sequels to Aladdin and The Lion King – you take franchises that already have established fan bases and you decide that you want more money.  Since you seem to be out of people with fresh ideas, you think – hey, let’s just keep going with these ones!  Because the people are dumb and they’ll watch it.  So again and again and again, you take the things we loved as children and decide to chew them up and once you can’t squeeze any more money out of them, you throw their mangled corpses out on to the floor.  That’s how evil you are.  Let’s remember – you decided to buy Lucasarts and then kill them, destroying Star Wars 1313 too.  I shouldn’t expect much.

And now, you’ve gone and shit on one of my favorite movies of all time.  Fuck you, Disney.  Fuck. You.

Initial Verdict
0 out of 10

Peace out,

Maverick

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