SIONR: Rise of the Tomb Raider is Xbox One Exclusive?! WTF?!

I remember when I saw this topic on a couple of Facebook posts, and I thought to myself – no way.  Crystal Dynamics and Square Enix cannot be this stupid.  To make the sequel to the amazing reboot of Tomb Raider exclusive to one console would be the biggest marketing fail since always-online DRM.  However, as it turns out, stupidity and corporate greed do go hand in hand.

I went on to my YouTube page this morning, as part of my morning routine, when I came across this video one of my favorite video game reviewers – Angry Joe.  In his usual angry fashion, he talked about a corporate-lingo-riddled press release that Crystal Dynamics released confirming that yes, Rise of the Tomb Raider is going to be Xbox One exclusive.  I don’t fucking get this.

First – What the fuck, Square Enix?  For a company that is already having financial problems after the last console generation and all the shitty games on it, along with the massive financial black hole that was Final Fantasy XIV, how could you possibly think that making a game as popular as this was exclusive to one console is a good idea?  Your company isn’t doing well these days.  With Final Fantasy XV just around the corner, it seems like you are hinging a lot of hope on that game.  I think it looks amazing and totally insane.  I can’t wait to play it (unless you go and make that Xbox One exclusive too, you stupid fuckers).  But that game seems to be the lynchpin that you are hanging a lot of your hopes on.  You know what could help your financial situation – making Tomb Raider for all consoles and PC!  I don’t get why you can’t see this!

Second – Why Xbox One?  Really, how much dick did Microsoft have to suck for you to put out for them?  Xbox One is being outsold by the PS4 three to one.  I guess that Microsoft is getting desperate for a system seller.  After all, Halo 5 is nowhere to be found.  What else do they have going on?  I get their angle in all this.  They lost brand loyalty when they rolled out the Xbox One and people were disgusted with the DRM bullshit, the creepy Kinect stuff (which felt like Big Brother) and the weird integration that they were trying to force of all other systems into the Xbox One.  Brand loyalty is a fickle bitch, and the moment you lose it, it’s REALLY hard to get back.  Ask Bioware.  But why are you hedging your bets on the people who are selling less consoles?  How much did they pay you?

Finally – how do you, Square Enix and Crystal Dynamics, not see how this is going to come back and bite you in the ass?  When you pretty much tell the PC and PS4 owners to piss off, how do you not think that that is going to blow up in your face?  Your press release was the most corporate-washed bunch of shit I have ever seen.  You know, if you just came out and said “Microsoft offered us a shit-ton of money because they are scared to death of the new Uncharted, so they wanted Lara” then at least we could have respected your honesty.  I would still be pissed off, but hey, it could be worse.  So yeah, this is really fucking stupid.

The more I think about it, the angrier I get, so I’m just going to end this too.  This was a terrible fucking decision on Square Enix and Crystal Dynamic’s fault.  It was clearly a corporate bribe that they took.  Short term gains that they better believe will cost them in the long term.  But hey, I guess that the bribe just looked really fucking good.  Remember, Crystal Dynamic – brand loyalty is a fickle bitch.  Bioware has suffered heavily for forsaking it, with the new Mass Effect not even getting a cursory glance from most of the people I know, along with the new Dragon Age.  Do you honestly believe that you are above it?  Do you honestly believe that you can avoid it?  Do you really think that the fans of the franchise are not going to chew you up and spit out your bone fragments into the wall of failed gaming companies?

And don’t think that saying that this is a “timed exclusive” is going to help you.  As a great article I just read pointed out, you may have missed your window with PS4 and PC owners, because, as I put it – you’ve just shit in the faces of the fan base of this game.  If you make them wait a year for your game, do you honestly believe that all of them will come running?  By then, they will have moved on to the next thing.  You get one shot to sell your game, and you’ve guaranteed that it won’t do as well.  Idiocy.  Square Enix and Crystal Dynamics – Microsoft’s money won’t save you in the long term.

But hey, maybe they want to end up like Capcom.  Say, who ended up buying them, anyway?  You know, after they declared bankruptcy.  That’s one major Japanese studio down.  Square Enix, unless you get your shit together, you’re next.

Oh, and so help me Cthulhu, if you try this shit with Final Fantasy XV, there will be Hell to pay!

Until next time, a quote,

“Yeah, they don’t want my money.  Apparently, they don’t want our money.  Everybody who bought it on Sony’s console, I’m sure was like ‘wow, that’s a pretty damn good game.  I can’t wait for a sequel.’  Well, guess what – same sort of situation.  Same sort of situation as Bayonetta.”  -Angry Joe, Angry Joe Show

Peace out,



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