I’ve been thinking about the death of Robin Williams. Where once he was an amazing actor, making me, my family and my friends laugh, he battled some very hard depression. It got me to thinking about my own life. I’m also able to crack a good joke or a smartass quip that puts a smile on people’s face. And like Williams, I battle some pretty hardcore depression. It’s something that I’ve been fighting since a head injury when I was 14. I don’t know if I am ever going to get better. There are better months, and there are worse months.
I was in the middle of a series of good months. I got an apartment with a girl I was going out with. After a failed relationship and years of loneliness, I finally thought that this was going to be it. The sun was shining, for the first time in a long time. Alas, like every other thing in my life, the moment that I thought I had found happiness, it slips through my fingers and shatters on the floor. Now I am sitting in the lonely apartment, so ready to move out and never look back at this place. I can’t bear to wake up here anymore. I think to myself – why bother? I mean, all I am going to see is evidence of the failure of my romantic abilities. So yeah, I had a few good months. For those months, I was sure that I had found something amazing.
The first thing I tell people who are battling depression – don’t listen to anyone who says that you just need to be more positive. They are fucking retards and they don’t have a fucking clue what it’s like to have this ghost following you around. They don’t have a single fucking idea. The next thing is – have someone to talk to. Be it a therapist, a dear friend, anybody. I don’t have anybody anymore. All my friends have stopped being around my life anymore. I guess you can only be so depressing before people decide that it’s time to up and go. It sucks, but that’s how it is. I am too poor for counseling. Wanna know what keeps me going? Me too. I can’t tell you why I keep doing what I do.. I honestly don’t know.
I’ll tell you what I think it is – those good memories. I remember when my former best friend Emily was crying in to the Periodicals Room at the library of my first college. I remember putting my arms around her and how tight she gripped me. That memory is so amazing. It hurts now because of how our friendship ended, but it still is an amazing memory. Then there is when I rescued my friend Maddie from a bar downtown when her friends ditched her. When she ran into my arms and held me tight, I felt like fucking Galahad. Then there is the night that I ate peach yogurt and sat with my cat, watching moonlight reflected on the lake. So peaceful, and I could feel life returning to my bones. The night I got to see my favorite musician, Chris Botti, in concert. The band’s chemistry and their performance. It was so fucking awesome! Getting to share a kiss with a girl as I dropped her off at the airport, never knowing if or when I would see her again. It was such an amazing kiss. Her color, red and beautiful. The hug she gave me afterwards, not wanting to let go. Not wanting to leave. Chilling on top of the fuel tank at my grandma’s house with a girl I still love (my first love, as far as I can remember. Long story, that you won’t know) and the guy that I held as the brother I never had.
Those memories still mean so much. I remember listening to Michael Jackson in the summer, baking to jazz and old-timey music. That stuff grows on you! It’s those little moments, along with the fear that I’m right (a safe assumption) and there is nothing after all this. Don’t want to hedge your bets, right?
The best part of my day is when I’m at my hiding spot at work, watching cars passing by outside. I watch the wind on the trees, rustling through the grass by the window, and I feel like, if I just was able to get out there, I could spread my wings and fly away. I could fly into freedom and never look back. I could find a roost somewhere quiet where I could live out the rest of my life in peace and quiet. That’s the best part of my day.
Here’s my shitty advice – find someone you trust, and be honest with them. Don’t do what I do and keep it all bottled up, hoping that you will eventually feel better. You don’t want to live like that. Trust me, I am the first guy to know what it’s like to live with this pain inside. Next – have something you love to do. Don’t let anyone else judge you. If you want to do it, then fuck everybody else and get that shit done! Lastly – pets help. For real, I can’t wait to see my kitty again.
I am going to have to live with this my entire life. My brain is damaged and there is not any cure. But you all can find something better. If you ever need anyone to talk to, hit up my Facebook or Tumblr –
Hit me up anytime on those pages, and I will listen. Nobody should go through life alone.
Until next time, a quote,
“Sometimes I feel like I’ve felt everything that I’m going to feel. That from here on everything is just going to be lesser versions of what I’ve already felt.” -Theodore Twombly, Her