Video Game Confessions: Tails

Being a journalism major, and a future journalist, suffice it to say that I get around.  In my travels, I have met some of the most insane characters!  These are the kinds of people that most nerds only dream of seeing, and I have gotten to meet, in the flesh.  And, seeing as how it is late, there is soft jazz music playing, and I am feeling all deep and introspective, I thought that I would tell you one of my stories now.

Well, semester just got out, and it’s time for summer.  I was feeling real good about that.  It’s been a long academic year and I was looking forward to getting to chill.  Sure, I had work, but that’s to be expected.  And today was no exception.  So, I’m finished getting Tails Prowerlunch when I just so happen to see a character who I recently got to see again, Tails.  It had been a long time, and it was nice.  Of all things, he was trying to buy a handgun!  After a look of exasperation, he gives up and walks away.

I walk over, introduce myself and say what a huge fan I am.  He points out that he knows who I am – the guy who is good at helping video game characters out with their problems.  That got a chuckle out of me, who just shrugs it off.  I ask him what he’s doing out here, and he lets out a sigh.

What’s it look like I’m doing?  I’m buying a gun!

I look on him seriously, contemplating.  “How are they selling you a handgun?  You’re a kid!”  He rolls his eyes.

I know, right?!  Asshole store clerk won’t sell me a handgun.

I nod a bit.  “Well, you are a little young.”  That got an amused look.

Oh, it isn’t because I’m a kid that he won’t sell it to me.  He won’t sell it to me because of my criminal record.

That REALLY shocked me.  “Wait, what?!  A criminal record?!  What the hell did you do?!”  A dark smile came to his face.

You kidding?  You’ve played my games.  I am a master inventor who has a gift at inventing weapons!

I was a bit confused.  “I thought that was for the fight against Robotnik?”

Sure, at first.  But after we blew his dumb ass up-

“Wait, blew him up?  As in…killed him?”  The dark smiled grew bigger.

Oh yeah!  Sonic is a speed freak, he was just in it for the chance to have fun.  It was me who was contracted with disposing of him.  Guy was a fuckin’ loony tune!  You should have seen some of his experiments!  I’m telling ya, a lot of that will stick with me ’til the end of my days.  Anyway, I get to Robotnik’s lair and the guy gets into a mechanized armor suit and tries to kill me.  It was a brutal fight!  I’m telling ya, nearly bought it a dozen times.  Sonic was actually useful, for a minute.  I finally get a bomb into the cockpit and seal it up.  Last I saw of the guy, he was chunky soup inside of the charred tomb.  Good fucking riddance!  Of course, then I learn that the base is rigged to blow when he dies.  My assault vehicle was destroyed, so I grab Sonic and fly out of there.  It was close.

It was amazing.  I was in awe.  But then, something occurred to me.  “Wait, then who is the guy in all the other games?”

Oh, that’s Robo-bot-nik.  It was a machine that the man himself originally tried to make as a replacement for him.  Guy’s a total buffoon!  After we cleaned up the mess from the original man, someone turned the idiot online and he started to make more trouble.  For Sonic.  For me, it was great!  Best years of my life.  I was making all kinds of weapons!  Of course, the client base was a little spread out, but hey, that’s business for ya.

I was a little confused why he brought that up.  “Why was the client base spread out?”  The little fox let out an exasperated sigh.

Oh, man, you have NO idea what the mainland looked like!  Robotnik’s death machines were still running strong in lots of the world.  Our people hit them every chance we could, but still.  A lot of my business came from that.  So all the remaining people were on islands offshore.  And that’s where the new Robotnik, who we all called Eggman, because he wasn’t worthy of the name, would attack.  Sonic and I would team up and deal with him.  For a while, it was loads of fun!

There was a darker tone in his voice when he talked about that.  Glad I caught it.  “For a while?  What changed?”  A grimmer look came to his face.

Well, at first, it was Sonic and Tails.  We were a famous duo, with Sonic being the fast one and me being the smart one.  It was a good gig.  But then it just became Sonic!  All that “Fastest Thing Alive” bullshit and all.  Guy got so popular, while I became more and more a sideshow!  Pissed me the fuck off!  Soon, Sonic was getting all the jobs, while I was barely getting by!  Fucking asshole!

I decided not to interrupt, even though there were questions I had.  He was on a role.

So, after while, I decided that I had to kill Sonic!  That guy is dumb as shit without me!  He’s nothing without me!  I mean to prove it.  I’ve restarted Robotropolis.  It went offline after Robotnik’s base was destroyed.  I went after Eggman and blew him up.  He was useless.  Metal Sonic had my back, naturally.  Guy’s one of the few things that survived the war with Robotnik.  Even took over Eggman’s operation for a while.  Tough son-of-a-bitch!  I also got Shadow to come to our side.  He’s a hedgehog I like!  Guy’s got brass balls, a healthy appreciation of using firearms and a score to settle with the blue bastard.  Once Sonic and his crew figure out it was me, they’ll come and fight.  Good!  I mean to put him in his place once and for all!

There was this deranged look on his face that had me worried, so I decided to change the subject.  “So, why are you trying to buy a handgun?”  He just shrugged.

Well, if all-else fails and he does beat down my improved minions, I’ll get him in close and blow his fucking brains out!

He’s breathing hard for a few.  I felt REALLY uncomfortable.  After a few minutes, he calms down and smiles.

Thanks for talking to me, man.  I feel better.  So much stress inside me.  Just needed to vent.  He won’t know what hit him!

We shake hands and he walks away.  I sat there for a long time and pondered.  Being in someone’s shadow like that, it does things to you.  Granted, not all of them have the brain-power and skill that Tails does.  Poor Sonic.  He’s kind of fucked once the little fox gets his plan in motion.  Sure hope it turns out alright.

Peace out,



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