Well, we come to the end of another academic year. Unlike the last time, we’re not writing this while moving out of the dorms. We already have moved out. Got a new apartment and are sitting with the roomy, listening to “Afro-American Symphony.” We had one hell of a buzz going on after a nice day that abruptly came to a close after we found out that we were passed over for a promotion by someone who hasn’t been at this job for nearly as long as I have. I’m the most senior member, and I get done like this. Gotta love these fucking jobs. But enough of that. We have a lot of ground to cover.
Coming on the heels of the worst academic year we’ve ever had, following the events that went down with Emily, we didn’t want to come back to the college for another year of shit. For two years, we have been burned out of college and education in general. It’s become so much more trouble than it’s worth. And we get to leave here with over $50,000 in debt. God bless America,right? But, whatever. Fuck it. We don’t care anymore. Let’s just get this shit done and move on.
However, when we got here, it wasn’t what we were expecting. In fact, if there is one word we can give to describe this academic year, it would be – boring. For real, it’s been an entire year, and all the interesting stuff happens right at the end. Wait, that was the way it was last year too. Weird coincidink, that. Though I’m not surprised it was boring. With all but one of my friends no longer anywhere near where we are anymore, and nobody who really went out of their way to talk to me, since it seems that the bulk of my friends don’t reply to texts or IMs on Facebook. With nobody to talk to and only schoolwork and job work to do, as last spring, my pursuit of a good story occupied most of my attention. When you don’t have much else going for you, you fill your time with whatever you can. Bless the Internet. It is a great tool for distracting one’s attention.
I also skipped class WAY more than I should have. For real, there were points where it was getting kind of nuts. Was kind of worse about that this spring. I just didn’t care. It didn’t help that I had a new friend who I was spending an increasing amount of time with. Her and I clicked so much more than I would have thought possible. Girl has been an interesting conundrum to me. She’s married, but we have recently helped her figure out she’s gay. She’s planning on staying with her husband and be faithful. They’re having a kid together. How she reconciles that with being gay is something to watch, assuming we ever speak again. See, her husband views me as a threat, so she hasn’t been able to see me outside of work. We work at the same place. During the fall semester, we hung out outside of work all the time. Spring comes around and she goes out of her way to dodge the issue. Since she never, and I do mean never, responds to texts or messages, way I see it, since she has moved on from this job, the chances that we are going to have a long-lasting friendship continue is less than menial. It’s almost non-existent. I’m kind of used to disappointment by now, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
So, first semester, fuck-all happens of any real significance. We get home for Christmas break and we actually get to enjoy ourselves again, for a time. We got to cook and bake and make the most of our talents. Wish we could have enjoyed Christmas more, but I’m afraid the childish part of me that loved that holiday has passed on. It may never come back. I was actually debating with my sister whether or not we should go to the Christmas Eve festivities, I was that bored by the idea. I got to send some of my culinary creations down my dear friend from last year who I got to rescue. She loved them so much that she lamented being depleted of them the moment consumption was completed. That’s the best kind of review one can get, if you ask me.
We get back to the college and this semester has been just as dull as the last one. For real, the days faded into this haze where the only thing that separated one from another was whether or not I went to work. It was a lonely time. Gave me a lot of moments to think. I thought about Emily. I think about her a lot. I don’t like to admit how much I miss her. I loved and still love her. She threw me and my feelings in the trash after stepping on them, yet we still miss her. She was one of the few people I ever loved. Losing her the way I did, it was horrible. Not gonna rehash that.
There was one thing of significance that happened – I came across a piece of paper at work. There were extensive notes written about it. The topics were extensive. There were several things listed about female sexual arousal and how it can be induced. Some of it appeared romantic, but then I came across something more disturbing – a list of natural compounds. Since there were notes about getting women intimately aroused, I thought that this followed the same lines. I looked into some of these things, and a darker purpose became clear to me. Some of these compounds were mild sedatives. This person was looking to date-rape someone. There were notes about who that person is that really got to me. It touched me in a personal way, because of the first person I genuinely fell in love with. I told her recently, after someone else found out. I hadn’t wanted to, but it was unavoidable. The person that this monster wanted to get with, it made me think of her, and I couldn’t breathe. There was a story a long time ago, something I stopped, for the better, but it was still intense.
Things have been looking better, however. A newer and the dearest friend we have recently has gotten an apartment with me. The story behind what got us there isn’t something you need to know, but suffice it to say, it was complicated. Still kind of is, actually. It’s unfolding, with me going out of my way to be the better person. There are days, increasing in number, where I wish I wasn’t. I want to be the bastard that my nature is demanding. To just give in to my desires and take what I want. It would be so much easier. But hey, we’re not that bad.
So, we’re at the new apartment, with “Blade Runner” playing in the background (moved on from what we were listening to before) and didn’t get the job. Shit and bricks, I guess. I’m so tired. I dream of a far-off place. A sunny forest that I could curl up in and sleep. Or a beach with the sound of the ocean helping me drift off to sleep. That sounds pretty freakin’ nice. I’m so fucking tired, and sleep gives me no rest. For the day to come when I can get that special sleep, and live in my dreams again.
Until next time, a quote,
“I’m not scared. Of anything. Not even the thought of dying scares me. Since I’ve been born, death’s been nipping at my heels. It’s as if my very birth had somehow called it there.” -Kiba, Wolf’s Rain