Real Catholic TV: Reloaded

Anyone who has been following this blog from my early days probably remembers Real Catholic TV and their totally insane host, Mike Voris.  These people are totally insane Catholics who have an unbelievably bigoted approach to life, women and people like me – godless heathens.  I haven’t done a post going after these loony-tunes in a while, and I kind of missed them.  Their videos are so crazy that they give me a lot of good laughs, and I have been missing that.  So, I decided to check in and see what new ideas they were pandering, especially since the new Pope seems to be a pretty open-minded guy (though we shall wait to see if that is more than just first appearances).  Turns out, a lot has changed with Real Catholic TV.  They are now Church Militant TV.  I have checked them out and here is a video for us to tackle.  This should be fun.  Here is a link, now let’s go.

Hello everyone and welcome to The Vortex, where lies and falsehoods are trapped and exposed.  I’m your host, Michael Voris.

Hey Mike, did you miss me?  I missed you too, buddy.  What’s on your mind?

We here at Church exist for one goal – to be used by our lord to save souls.

Given some of the things I’ve covered about what you all have said previously, I hope he gets his money back.

In that goal, we’re like other faithful Catholic apostolates, dedicated to the same mission.  But the reason we and others, mostly lay apostolates, exist in the first place is because leaders in the church – clergy and lay – have not done their job!

And what is their job, Mike?  Given your name, Church Militant, are you expecting them to kill people?

I’m 52 years old and practically every Catholic around my age was betrayed and thrown under the bus when it came to being taught the faith.

You didn’t answer my question, Mike.  That’s not cool, man.  I thought we had a thing going.  What the fuck?!  But, I’ll bite – how were you betrayed?

Bishops, priests, nuns, lay-leaders and parishes simply dropped the ball.  Many of us were left to twist in the wind in a culture that hates god and the authentic church.

Oh, finally.  What I missed about our relationship.  Your stupid-ass comments.  I love it.  So, you think that modern culture hates god and the “authentic church.”  Is the “authentic church” the one that rapes little boys and girls?  I’m just asking because, if that is what the “authentic church” is, then yeah, we hate the shit out of it.  We want the people who commit those crimes to see how child molesters and rapists usually fair in American prisons.  If you’re like me and have read books on prison culture, trust me, it isn’t pretty.  Though I have little sympathy for them.  As several Christians would say – you reap what you sow.
As for hating your god, trust me, Mike, we don’t.  If you are talking about the ever-growing group that I am affiliated with, we don’t hate God.  We don’t believe in him.  Same as you don’t believe in Zeus, Odin, Ra or the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  So yeah, not true.

Some of us, a few, through the deep and persistent prayers and sacrifice of family and friends, somehow managed to come back from the Dark Side and found ourselves standing in the blazing light of the glory of the Catholic Church.

If I’ve learned nothing from the recent episodes of more and more sexual abuse victims coming forward and the Vatican Bank being outed for laundering money, it’s that the church isn’t exactly a “blazing light of glory” these days.  In fact, the public’s mentality was so toxic that that was why the last Pope ran the fuck away.  He couldn’t take the heat.

But make no mistake – the second chances that many of us have received have nothing to do with us.  We did not merit those second chances.  We did not earn them.  It was a pure gift, given not for us in the first place, but for our mothers and our fathers and our family and friends who were pleading to the Heavenly Father to save us.  Kind of like Abraham pleading to God to save the city.

If memory serves, you’re talking about Sodom, right?  That city?  As my knowledge of the Bible tells me, God decided to ruthlessly massacre everyone because they all, for reasons unknown, were totally evil and wanted to butt-rape angels.  According to the Bible, it was every single man in the city.  Did none of these guys have wives?  Did all of them like the cock?  I’m just asking, because it’s one of many plot holes in the story about the Old Testament Psycho God and his need to destroy stuff.  Not to mention the story about how Lot’s daughters got him drunk and then fucked him, somehow getting lucky enough for him to keep a hard-on while shit-faced and catch them both while they’re ovulating.  Wasn’t that a fucking stroke of luck.  And on different nights, too.  Weird…

Having had the scales removed from our eyes, however, we children, we few, we survivors,

Because it’s anarchy, rape and murder with us atheists, right?

of the chaos in the church – from the 1960’s and 70’s – have come back with a fierce dedication to righting the wrongs and reasserting the realities of the faith.

First, you act like the 60’s and 70’s were just awful.  Man, take some drugs and have some sex!  Live a little!  That was one of the best times to live.  You’re an idiot.

We are the ones who have come stumbling back from the battle – dazed, shell-shocked, trying to make sense out of all that has happened.

Oh yeah, Mike.  I’m sure that you know EXACTLY what it’s like, to be shell-shocked and come back from battle.  I’m sure that your experiences match up with those of the soldiers who were coming home from Vietnam in the time period that you came back to the church.  Yup, I buy that.  *jerk-off motion*

And this is a story we hear, multiplied by the millions – loyal sons of Holy Mother Church, trying to pull it together with their families and friends.  So unsure what has happened that, in their lifetimes, almost everyone they know has deserted the faith.

Yeah, there’s a reason – it has no more value in modern culture.  For real, I’m with Patton Oswalt in saying that I think religion helped start civilization, but now, it has no place.  You talk about your religion, but the Catholic Church has an appalling track record, such as keeping birth control and condoms out of Africa and spreading lies about sex and sex education, along with taking money from dictators, as Mother Teresa did several times.  You talk about how your faith has it so hard.  I forget, don’t you all have a giant palace that is an independent state within Italy?  Just sayin’.

We meet Catholics all over the world dazed and confused about why their families are in tatters, why their children or parents live lives are empty and so Godless (he capitalized that, not me).

Oh yeah, because being an Atheist is such an unpleasant and empty experience, right?  I mean, we could be one of you – with your free-floating guilt complexes for being human and having human urges.  That would be much better, right?

Some people have got to step up and help people realize what has happened and what has to be done.  Let’s face it, for the most part, we’re not hearing it from the pulpits or the bishops.  There’s 100 reasons why, but at the end of the day – they aren’t saying what needs to be said.

Alright, Mike, I’m listening.  What needs to be said?

So, someone else needs to.

Get to the fucking point, Mike.

Catholic schools, from kindergarten to post-graduate, have stabbed our Lord and his Holy Church in the back, so the lay-faithful gather and start their own schools.  Parishes have abandoned any expression of explicitly authentic Catholic worship.  So, many Catholics have left their local parish and sought out more reverential and pious perishes.  Oftentimes and great cost and sacrifice.

So…I’m confused.  What are these “explicitly authentic Catholic” values you want preached?  Since you are a VERY fundamental fundamentalist in Catholicism, and you loved Pope Been-a-Dick as much as you did, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it is his values.  Man, you all must really hate the new guy.

The wreckage of the church in the past 50 years is almost beyond description.

Could you try?  Because, as it stands, I’m not seeing where you’re coming from, Mike.

Hundreds of millions have abandoned the faith.  Hundreds of millions have placed their souls in peril of damnation because they were sold a bill of goods by traitors.

Some of the best people, them.  Those who can abandon your dogma in order to live in a world free of your guilt complex and your church’s bigotry.  We in the atheist community welcome them with open arms.

Here at Church, we consider our job as two-fold.

Alright!  Let’s here it, Mike.  Tell me what your job is.

To help as many Catholics as we can to understand this – the chaos that has happened.  To place into context the carnage that has occurred.

Wait!  Stop right there!  Carnage?!  What carnage?!  Last I checked, it isn’t England in the days of the Protestant Reformation.  What the fuck are you talking about?!

Why it has occurred, who caused it, why and so forth.  Catholics NEED to understand that what is largely passing for Catholicism these days is a cheap knock-off.  Even for many of the leaders.

You don’t really spell out how true Catholicism works, though it doesn’t matter, as you’re making the “No True Scotsman” fallacy anyway.  I’m having to make inferences on my part, which isn’t a good sign, for you.

But it isn’t enough to simply know that.  We also need to know what to do in response to this disaster.  In this age, most especially, as in many other challenging times, the answer is always the same – personal holiness.


You and I need to be saints.

Hm, considering that most of the “saints” that you all look to have a fuck-ton of blood on their hands, and given your organization’s name, I think I see where this is going.

That’s we don’t stop with just reviewing the historical record of the collapse of the faith by producing various programs about it.  We do do that.  We do that because it needs to be said.  But we also have our premium programs.

That they con money out of you for.

Aimed like a laser pointed at the target to help people learn what they were never told.  Or were told in such a wishy-washy, watered-down fashion that it was essentially meaningless.

Oh man, you’re a real badass, Mike.  All that laser-pointing and video-making and premium programming.  You sure are giving us atheists what-for!  Oh, right, except we never see it, because nobody watches your crap.  Your videos have around 5-8,000 views per video.  If that’s what your free content gets, I can’t imagine you get paid a lot for your “premium” content.  Maybe I’m wrong.

We have nearly 300 hours of programs that we keep adding to each week!  Diving deep into the faith!  The faith established personally by God himself!

Where you feel like shit for your natural urges, who says that women should keep their mouths shut and obey their husbands and where a rapist has to marry his rape victim.  Yeah, that guy.  Oh, and he sent his kid (who is him) down to Earth to kill (himself) to save us from him.  Yeah, that guy.  Yeah…

Not a sinful human man.

You know, except for all the people who wrote the books of the Bible, since God never comes down himself and does any writing.  Or the people who chose which of the Gospels to include in the final book, excluding all those that were written during the time of Jesus.  I wonder why that is…?

And, if you watch us, you already know that we make NO apologies.

That’s right!  We’re so proud that we don’t allow comments or ratings on our videos!  Because we’re just so confident!

If people are offended by the assertion of the supremacy of the One Holy Catholic Apostolic Church.  It is supreme!  And outside of it, there is no salvation.  Not one person enters into eternal life, apart from the Catholic Church.  This is why our Blessed Lord established the church.

You do know that Jesus was a Jew, right?  I’m just putting that out there.

It’s what he means when he says “no one comes to the father, except through me.”

Even though he is God.  Consistency, what’s that?

This truth needs to be shouted as loud as possible to as many people as possible, as often as possible.  That’s why, at a handful of times a year, we appeal to you to join us and become premium subscribers.

Just like PBS, you have to ask for donations.  A pity that you can’t give us good content, like PBS.  You give us crap.

Is it a commitment?  Sure.  These programs, plainly-said, are aimed at helping you to save your soul and increase in holiness.  That you, in turn, become evangelizers yourselves.

Because if our asking for your money has taught you anything, it’s that the best way to get into this business is to become a money-grubbing whore.

If you aren’t trying to get people to come to the great gift of the Catholic Church, you can forget about Heaven.

Huh, that’s funny.  I seem to remember a quote in the Bible somewhere.  Where was it…

Matthew 6:5 – And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

So yeah, Mike, it seems that Jesus disagrees with you.

And that’s my fresh look into Real Catholic TV, now Militant Church TV.  Their namesake is clearly a con, because they aren’t advocating militant stances, like arming and fighting for the lord.  I don’t see any of these people like the Branch Davidians in Waco.  You clearly made this title so that you can feel really cool and powerful when you are saying the same stupid BS that you said on your other channel.  And, given your lackluster views, it isn’t working for you.

Good luck with your work, Mike.  I think I’m done with you.  Your content has gotten stale.

Until next time, a quote,

“Alright, folks, so here’s something I got a problem with – the Ten Commandments.  Here’s my problem – why are there ten?  You don’t need ten.  I think the the list of Commandments were deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten.”  -George Carlin

Peace out,



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