If you’re anything like me, you fucking hate Valentine’s Day. Or, as I like to call it, Single’s Awareness Day. However, you are lacking the tools to properly hate on it in a way that can adequately damage it for the people who enjoy it. Which is a bummer, because you want to make the rest of the world suffer for how lonely and indignant you are, correct? Well, have no fear. This will be a comprehensive guide to all the fun ways that you can make this day awful for others, especially couples. Enjoy.
1. Walk between couples
Do you ever see these couples who insist on holding hands in public in a way that says to the world, “we’re in a relationship! Can you see how much we’re in a relationship! We are so proud of our relationship!” Well, you gotta put a stop to that! So here’s what you do – casually walk toward them. They will naturally expect you to move when you come to them holding hands. But here’s what you do – you don’t! The couple in question won’t just run into you, so they’ll break their grip. When you pass, turn and survey the scene before you. You’ll see them madly reaching for each other, as if them breaking their grip will mean that they shall drift apart for eternity. Yeah, lots of strength in that relationship, huh?
2. Find small ways to ruin gifts
It can’t be anything totally blunt, like popping balloons. Besides, if you are too obvious, the female or male of the couple may wind up attacking you. Don’t want that. No, you have to be more subtle than that. Like finding a thing of roses someone set at the table and lightly dusting it with onion or garlic powder. Pepper will do too. When the person who receives them sneezes all over their loved one, it makes for a good moment. Also, if one of them has a soda and is preoccupied with their respective partner, quietly take the beverage and shake the living shit out of it so that when they open it next, it explodes all over them. Carbonated alcohol like champagne is another thing to do that too. But the goal is the same – be subtle
3. Have sad comments that take their buzz away
If these people are dumb enough to subject their love to you and be around you and fawning all over each other, that is the perfect time to strike! Mention some horrifically awful thing in the news, or make some stuff up, if you’ve got yourself a creative mind. Say something about a loved one dying. This will take the wind out of their sails and cause them to be downcast for the majority of their conversation with you. The larger goal being to make them feel bade for the rest of the day.
4. Go out of your way to spoil the mood
If you know someone who is about to consummate Single’s Awareness Day in a physical way, make sure to break the mood! If they are in the dorms near you, knock on their door and disappear. If they are in their own home, call or text them repeatedly, then have the most ridiculous conversation. Have worries about things that make no sense, but they have to talk to you about. Pretend you are having a panic attack about an absurd problem that they have to address. Above all, make sure that you space out these acts just enough so that their efforts to get back in the mood are thwarted. Works like a charm.
These are a few tips that can help you help others realize just how awful Single’s Awareness Day is for those who aren’t going out of their way to believe that they have some wonderful relationship that will last forever, being egged on by a consumerist culture that is trying to make a cheap buck. You can show them the error in their ways! After all, if we don’t deprive the jewelry industry of their money, who will?
Until next time, a quote,
“It’s not even valentines day yet and I’m already done with it.” -Anonymous