Someone asked me today what my worst memory in high school was, and it got me to thinking. Instead of talking about it in a simple way, I decided to come on this forum and talk about it in a more broad way, so that you all can understand just how much I am so blasé about the entire experience.
The reality is that not much of my major change in life happened in high school. Part of that is due to where I was, personally, leading into it. The other part was that it was much the same as middle school, which didn’t impress me much.
See, I wasn’t in high school the first year that I was supposed to be there. Instead, I was at home, following a head injury that really fucked up my body. I got through my freshman year in an online program, returning to high school the next year. The first year was a painful hell that I still have bad memories about. It still rubs me the wrong way. I’ll skip over that, because it isn’t something I want to talk about especially much.
I finally arrived my sophomore year, and it wasn’t much of a reunion. I got to see people I hadn’t seen in years. There was one person I was hoping to see – my oldest friend. She was a year ahead of me, so I reasoned that she would be there. She hadn’t seen me after my head injury, and I assumed that there was a good reason. Alas, she wasn’t there. She was nowhere to be found. That was a little bummed-making. I got to experience high school life in person, and dear god was I bored.
High school is one of the worst things ever. The schedules are rigid, the education is broken and you are given no leeway to find your own conclusions or think for yourself. You have to think the way they want you to think. It sucks. With the status quo of making people into drones, it amazes me when I see actual intelligent youth come out of those dumps. The mind-numbing boredom was almost intolerable. The parentals said I should just drop out and get a GED, and there are days when I think that they might have had a point. I could have easily gotten into college with it, given how intelligent I am.
Back to my school year, I did figure something out about myself – that I am bisexual. There was this guy named Joe. He was just so…cool. So himself and didn’t care what people thought. A popular guy, I hung out with him as often as I could. Over time, I found myself drawn to him. There is nobody like him, that I can see in my own demographic (guy-types). But he had a girlfriend, and they were happy and in love. I meant to tell him how I felt, on the last day, but I never got a chance to speak to him. Oh well. It’s funny – for all the people that I have been into who I have lost or who no longer are friends, he is the only one I have thought little about. Maybe I just accepted that it wasn’t meant to be. Or maybe I just moved on. Wish I could with others. But enough of that.
Anyway, my junior year rolls around. This year actually did see a major part of my personality come forth. One I work every day to keep from the light. A part of me that does give me pause and worry, should it ever totally take control. See, I met someone I liked. Her name was Rachel. She was like no one else I had met, before or since. A child of nature, she was free. Free in every sense of the word. She thought for herself, didn’t care about anyone else’s standards. Took damn-good care of herself, so she could live life to the fullest. I admired her, developed a crush on her and eventually fell for her, once we started getting close. But there was one problem – she was involved. What’s more, it was someone I knew from a long time ago. This is where the dark part of myself came out. I wanted her, my other half, my dark passenger, wanted her more. So, we put our intellect and ability to read people to work. We found little cracks in her relationship with him and exploited them. Drove wedges of doubt into them. Soon, we had the desired reaction, as their relationship fell apart. What we didn’t notice at the time was how much our actions were hurting both of them. We were getting what we wanted. Then, one day, we came to what we acknowledge was the point when we lost our chance with her. It was on a stairwell one day. I was in a hurry, so I just said hi. But in her eyes, I could see – she was wanting to talk, in a more serious way. If only I had recognized that. Maybe…never mind.
I found out, after Christmas break, that she was gone. Disappeared, like a puff of smoke. I would find out years later that she had her ex-boyfriend’s child, but he doesn’t know. She vanished to the States. When we saw the debris field of misery we left in our wake, since she had a mental breakdown following what happened, and he was forever burned, it got to us. We saw something in ourselves, a darkness that was both powerful and enticing. Our manipulation of her was perfect. Flawless. I could do it again. I want to. But I won’t. I won’t let myself become that person again. If I did, then everything I have done to be a good man is wasted. Then, I am truly alone.
Senior year rolls around, and we had another person getting close to us. This was when the chronic depression that I live with every day was manifesting in a more serious way. This woman’s name was Camille. She was like us – depressing, smart and quirky. The two of us fed each other’s misery, but it was nice. Both of us were happy. We were enjoying the company of someone who understood. She and I would eventually become a couple. I’ve already told that story.
Aside from that, there was little to make note of, senior year. It was quiet. I was ahead, credit-wise, so I was able to not take a couple class that year. I did boring stuff that I thought would be fun. It…wasn’t. So much boredom.
Graduation rolled around, and I didn’t want to go. I was suckered into it by the parentals, who said that my remaining grandparent would be going. And then she didn’t! Annoying. A three hour ceremony that had Sarah Palin as the keynote speaker. It never ended. It felt like it went on forever. To this day, I hate thinking about that ceremony. It’s the reason that I am not going to any ceremony here, once I am done with college. Fuck it!
I took little away from high school. It was that dull. What happened before and afterwards will scar and shape me forever, but at that point, it really was just that dull.
Until next time, a quote,
“Drop out of school before your mind rots from exposure to our mediocre educational system. Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you’ve got any guts. Some of you like Pep rallies and plastic robots who tell you what to read.” -Frank Zappa