One of the biggest questions that one asks themselves as they get older is what they believe in. Who they are and what they want to be. Where their value system comes from. For me, this question gives me more than a little pause. Not because I believe in bad things, but because I don’t believe in anything. Hear me out – I tend to flow with life. I have a values system, but it isn’t based on anything, so much as just being a system I use. Perhaps writing this out will let me sort it all out.
I have always been a person who believes that the best way to look at life is through self-determination and consent. So long as all parties involved in something are able to consent and do, I don’t care what they do after that. For real, if 20 people want to get married to each other, with it being two girls and 18 guys, so be it, and vice-versa. The life choices of people who are able and do consent to things is none of my business. It’s none of yours, either. So many people who hear this think that I am behind pedophilia or all sorts of wonderfully dark behaviors. Last I checked, a child can’t consent to things. So, that clears that accusation. But is that an actual belief? It sounds like it, but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like that is the logical path to take. The one that makes the most sense. I mean, just because you don’t get or don’t like something, does that give you a right to say that people shouldn’t do it? I don’t get people who get into animal costumes and fuck, but that doesn’t stop me from believing that they have every right to do so.
I am not a religious person. Never have been. Ever. Even as a kid, I heard about this dude in the sky who created everything, leaving his only proof in a book that was written by desert people, with no knowledge outside of their culture, and it just seemed so silly to me. To this day, I don’t believe in any of that. Besides, Jesus and God aren’t interesting characters. Their stories are pretty bland, the side-characters are all one-note and they all have the same theme – worship me. At least with Cthulhu, his stories are interesting. I’d rather worship a being who is fun, rather than who is just pathetically jealous, insecure and vengeful. So that’s another thing I don’t believe.
I don’t believe in friendship, really. I’ve had three people who were the closest to me either abandon or betray me. With the most recent, it was both. I want to believe so much, but at the same time, I can’t. I’ve been fucked over too many times for that. I still work at it, and still have people that me and me care about, but we go into new friendships believing that we are going to be betrayed at some point. Or abandoned.
I suppose I believe in evidence, but my standard of proof is only as high as I think it needs to be, depending on the issue. Some things, like economic, governmental and scientific stuff, it’s high. Whether or not a person is pulling my leg, it’s low. But that isn’t so much a belief, because it’s evidence. The whole idea is that I want something proven to me. I can’t just take something on faith. So that’s not a belief.
The way I see it, beliefs are drives. They drive you to do something. Someone who believes that they are going to go on to do great things will strive to do great things. Someone who believes that they are going to be in love with the same person for the rest of their lives will strive to do that. For us, we don’t have that. We have no real drives, other than to see what happens tomorrow. It’s like Urdnot Bakara in Mass Effect 3. We go day by day.
Though if we had to pick something – I believe that we will always be alone. I just can’t imagine anyone having a crush on us. Anyone smiling when we text (because we aren’t a fan of calling). Anyone getting butterflies when I say hi. I can’t imagine any of that. I’m annoying, REALLY weird, not all there (psychologically), really depressing and not much to look at. The last relationship we had was not especially healthy, and ever since it ended, we don’t have anyone knocking at our door. Nor anyone who has seemed interested. I keep hearing about how being positive and happy is something people are attracted to. I can’t feel happiness like you all do. I haven’t since a head injury, a long time ago. Eleven years, now.
I don’t believe in anything. Or maybe I do and I can’t see it. Either way, me and me don’t believe. We are going through life with no ties to the world and nothing to lose. Why do we keep going? I’ll let you know when I figure that out.
Until next time, a quote,
“What do any of us really believe in?” -Deborah Morgan, Dexter