If you’re anything like me, you have this time roll around and you think to yourself – ugh, this again. You do the same song and dance every year, and most likely it has gotten old. So, you have started to let your negativity shine. Naturally, this leads people to get very upset and say that you are ruining their holiday for them. Which leads to more fights, giant circles of conflict. It’s annoying as shit. So, here are some helpful tips to have you being able to hate on this holiday as much as you like, with nobody knowing the truth.
1. Find things to nitpick
Now, how you do this has to be very delicate. Find little things that people like, then find ways to show that it is not what people think. For example, that song, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” is not what people think. It’s all about a dude trying to get laid. For real, he’s trying to convince her to stay around so that he can get into her pants. Or how about the 12 Days of Christmas song? Who the fuck are those gifts for?! What crazy woman would want that stuff?! If you can find little things like that, showing how ridiculous they are, it gets a mood of amusement, while you are still attacking the holiday.
2. Replace their Christmas music
Follow me on this. If they have a CD player or whatever that has a random play setting, put in some of old-school rock or what-have-you and have it randomly play, freaking people the hell out. If you want to be really mean, you could put on some Britney Spears or Miley Cyrus. Given how butthurt people get about this stuff, that’s a great way to sabotage the good times! Hopefully you have some family who can take a joke. Otherwise, it just gets more awkward.
3. Make light displays negative
If you have a family that does light displays, find ways that you can subtly screw with it and have fun. If there is Santa and his reindeer, line them up so it looks like Santa is doing things to Rudolph’s ass. If you have lights spelling things, change it around so there is new spelling. Like take the phrase “Merry Christmas” and turn it into “Happy Festivus.” Little touches like that go a long way. Or, there is the class “Metal Christmas.” If you have a poster of Iron Maiden or someone like that, it would help, to show the point. Which reminds me…
4. Tamper with the decorations.
Since the average parent stops admiring their home while they are busy preparing something else, this gives you the chance to fuck with their decorations. It’s the same principle as the lights outside, except now it is guests that you can mess with. With the nativity scene, have fun. With the one I have here, I could make it so that it looks like the three wise guys are making out with their camels. There are a lot of potential new ways you could make a Nativity tell a story. The possibilities are endless. Let your creativity guide you! Maybe have Santa having a good time with the Virgin Mary. After all, no concept is limited, except by the creativity of the artist.
5. Cookies are your canvas
If your family does cookies, with decorations and frosting, you are looking at a chance to endlessly fuck with people. Here, you truly are only limited by your creativity. My personal recommendations – turn Santa into the Joker, take a few cues from Riddler and make question marks on things. That serves two purposes – to mess with decorations, and to get the less intelligent members of your family to be confused about what it means. Idiots. Make trees and stars into bleeding metal creations with metal or emo designs. Black is your friend.
6. If they have you dress up, torment them
Some families have some really freaky traditions when it comes to Christmas attire. If your parents or relatives want you to wear the god-awful Christmas crap that they gave you, you can do that. But now you have the ability to drive them nuts with it. Because you won’t just wear the sweater. You will get fake antlers that light up, a Christmas light-up tie, the whole nine yards. Then, you sit next to the person who you wish to torment and start random conversations, not once acknowledging the git-up you are wearing. It will drive them nuts! Trust me. It’ll be the big elephant in the room that someone will eventually blow up about. And when they do, still don’t acknowledge it. Continue talking like they never said anything. If your pride is looking to get in the way of this idea, fight it. Fight your pride. It will be worth it.
But if there is one piece of advice above all others, it’s this –
7. Sharpen your sarcasm into a deadly weapon
Your wit had better be working, because your single purpose on the day when you have to be with the rest of the family is to have endless jabs that they don’t get, or are confused about. After all, you don’t want to be around them anymore than they want to be around you. So you might as well make good sport of it. Granted, some of them may call you out, but that’s when your wit will shine, when you can turn their anger against them. Witty repartee must be your single greatest cause, because it will make the day pass by that much faster.
Did you get all that? Hopefully you did. No go out there and fuck with your family this and every holiday season!
Until next time, a quote,
“Well, I’m sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.” -Frank Cross, Scrooged