Fox News and the War on Christmas! (2013 Edition)

Ah, another year, another bout into the fantasy land that Fox News lives in.  A fantasy land where Christmas isn’t this giant-ass all-engulfing holiday that has gotten so big that it is eating other holidays.  A land where it is on its last legs and in danger of being completely destroyed by us heathen atheists, Santa is getting the shit kicked out of him in an alley and the Virgin Mary is getting butt-fucked by the Wise Men.  Yes, that reality.  It’s a scary place, for those who are too stupid to get outside of it.  We call these people – Fox News viewers.  An almost-exclusively senior-citizen demographic who watches this while they are sitting in their houses and drinking milk of magnesia.

This year, we have had a couple of interesting twists.  The first is that Gretchen Who-Gives-a-Fuck, the loudest yearly voice of Christmas-is-going-to-die crowd, went off about a Festivus Pole that went up in Florida.  I’m with Jon Stewart when I say – in Florida, we’re lucky that there wasn’t a stripper using that pole!  See, apparently, Gretchen drives around, with her children, and looks for Nativity scenes.  That’s…creepy and weird.  Like, I’m not even kidding here – that is really fucking weird.  Who does that?  I know people who drive around looking for cool light displays.  I admire them when I come upon them as I’m getting from A to B, but I don’t search for them.  In those cases, yeah, those are cool.  But who just goes around looking for random Nativity scenes?  Is the goal to critique them?  Is Gretchen with her children like, “Oh, the nerve!  They have the Baby Jesus behind Mary and Joseph!  The audacity!  He should be in front because he is the son of Gawd and the greatest thing ever!  I am so offended right now!”  You know, given the butt-hurt nature of Fox News and its viewers, I’m probably not too far off on this.

Next up, Megyn Kelly decided to get herself some butthurt when she was talking about an article on, referring to how Santa has always been a white guy, and they think that should change it to a penguin.  Kelly, of course, insisted on her show that Santa Claus is white.  For real, he just is.  That was her entire argument – Santa Claus is real, while, and that’s just how it works.  I’m flabbergasted.  Oh, and Jesus is real too, and also white.  She threw that in and emphasized it, to make sure.

As you can imagine, pretty much everybody came after her for this.  I mean, how could they not?  For one, who was she talking to?  She went out of her way to make sure that the little children knew that Santa was real and that he was white, and so was Jesus.  What children are watching her show?  Jon Stewart went after it best (see link above), but for me, I am just confused.

I’m confused for a couple of reasons.  I mean, at what point did Fox News actually start to believe that children are watching their crap?  That’s not a rhetorical question.  I really want to know why they believe that children actually have see this show.  Fox News has gone so far out of their way to pander to their major demographic – ancient-ass people.  It’s the reason that they have worked so hard at hating on Obama.  Because they want to appeal to the people who think that (and I want to be clear about what they think, so a word is coming up that you won’t like) the nigger should get out of the White House.  That’s their audience.  They will do everything in their power not to say what they know people want to hear, but go as close as they can.  Granted, that was in the early days, before liberals like me had a ton of good reasons to hate on Obama too.

Then, she actually believes that there are children watching her show who actually believe in Santa?  And think he’s white?  And care that he is portrayed that way?  So, she believes that innocent, socially aware racists watch her show?  Really?!

Naturally, after everyone went after her in a big way, Kelly then decided to pass all of it off as a joke.  For real, her defense was that nobody else has a sense of humor, because, in her mind, it was so clear that she was joking.  That is the defense of her insanity.  There are no words.

I naturally have come to accept that the Fox News octogenarian audience isn’t smart enough to do any amount of thinking for themselves, but this whole affair just baffles me because of the fact that they have a gift, a fucking gift, at making themselves into this horribly oppressed creature who we should all feel sorry for.  Never mind that Megyn Kelly was NOT joking!  Or that Fox News is so shamelessly good at pandering.  Let’s set all that aside.  Here is what you can take away from all this – they are ALL full of shit!  Not one of their people buys into all this.  It’s all a show so they can get phenomenally rich by telling stupid people EXACTLY what they want to hear.  This “War on Christmas” bullshit that they spew is nothing but stuff they dredge up to make a big fuss about, so the soup-eating seniors who watch it can go to bed afraid and thinking the world is going to end – as they always do.

The Fox News audience must be such a lonely and terrified creature.  It almost makes me feel sorry for them.

Almost, being the operative word.

Until next time, a quote,

“Actually, I think that’s the official slogan of oppression.  Oppression – Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it has to change.”  -Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Peace out,



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