I’ve been running away from this question. Wanting to turn it into something else. Something more unpleasant. Make it seem like anger. Make it seem like we are filled with rage. But the truth is, I know what the actual thing that we are hurting from is. It’s a question that has been dogging at our heels for a long time. What is the question? I’ll get to it.
I’ve already talked in expansive detail about what went down with my former friend, Emily. I won’t rehash it now. Instead, I’ll talk about the history leading up to it. See, we used to be pen-pals. For real, hand-written letters. It was great. Some of the letters she sent us were among the most beautiful things we have ever read. Our friendship was the stuff that dreams are made of. At least, that’s what I thought. Don’t worry, I won’t rehash. I’ll just say, I was wrong.
But, you see, I figured out that it was more than just friendship. I had fallen in love with her. I always knew that, but I was never able to accept it on the inside. She had friend-zoned us long ago. But in the letters, she spoke of wanting to help. She always had a kind word, to make the days better. It was great. I still have those letters, to this day. Was re-reading them tonight.
We started to cry. She thought that she had a grasp on me and my other half’s existence. My twin-personalities that are so engrained into my consciousness that I don’t know if I could go it alone anymore. So many nice thoughts. So many great conversations. So many nice days waiting for letters, then being like a kid at fucking Christmas when we got one. I was sobbing. It hurts so much. But why? She threw us away! Twice! Each time for the same stupid fucking reason – because her boyfriend (who we never fucking met!) didn’t like us, and her friends didn’t like us either. Is friendship that easy to get rid of?! Are we that dispensable!
What the fuck did we do wrong?!
That’s the question. I finally was able to accept it to myself. The question that has been dogging on me for so long – what did we do wrong? My intellectual mind knows that it was all her fault. I know this. I know it with my entire being. But at the same time, we are still asking ourselves this question. Why? Maybe we just want to punish ourselves. Neither of us know.
My mental instability is likely going to be the death of me, someday. Cognitive dissonance that is borderline fucking nuts. We tread the line, hoping to figure something out on a deeper level about it all. In some ways, we succeeded. In other ways, we have failed so miserably that it boggles the mind. There is a greater understanding to the pain that life has thrown at us without cease. Maybe someday it will all be made clear.
When that point comes, we’ll be sure to let you all know.
Until next time, a quote,
“The morning is evil!” -Korra, The Legend of Korra