Well, with that time of year is upon us again. A time for calm reflection and giving thanks. Right? Wrong! It’s a time to make food for the family. Since I have yet to meet the man who gets insane about this, ladies, pay attention. I’m sure that most of you mothers out there with a fairly large family have already understood this, but just in case, here is a refresher. All that stuff about giving thanks is bullshit. I mean, the story it’s based on is BS, so the message might as well be too. This is a time for a precise and determined battle that will take all your cunning, determination and cooking talent to overcome. Are you ready? Yay or nay, I shall give you the mentality and tools needed to succeed.
1. Your entire life does not exist outside of Thanksgiving Dinner
You must be prepared to not give a flying fudge about your entire family and their boring problems. You hated hearing about them before, so now you just have a REALLY good incentive to not give a crap. Your daughter bitching and moaning about her teenage angst, your son bitching and moaning about not having the PS4 and trying to get you to get it for Christmas, it is meaningless today. Thankfully, most husbands don’t have anything to bitch about. Years of experience have taught them to stay the hell out of your way on this day when you are preparing the massive feast for the extended family. Speaking of…
2. Be prepared to share your kitchen with the other women of the family
This part is worth mentioning because I don’t think that there is a single woman who doesn’t have that those one or two people who invade their kitchen on this day who they just wish that they could strangle with their own intestines. It’s okay to feel this way. For real, I’m not shaming you. In your dreams, you can blow their head off. However, right now, you must brace yourself because you can’t just get them to leave. They are coming into your kitchen whether you like it or not. My suggestion – alcohol. For real, have enough booze to loosen up your desire to bludgeon them over the head with a rolling pin. But not too much to the point where you openly ask your lazy-ass sister why she never has Thanksgiving dinner at her house. It’s a balancing act.
3. This is an all-day, if not multiple-day affair
For those who have never done this before, you need to accept that this isn’t something that you can just schedule into your day. No, this dinner is your day. If not more than one. To truly be the master of this day, you must be prepared to totally forget that the rest of your life exists. That means no hanging with friends, no sitting down and enjoying some TV, no sex with your husband. On the last point, if the rest of your life, especially that, even enters your mind, then you are not in the proper mindset. For the entirety of this day, they don’t exist. For the Facebook generation, this will be hardest. For real, ladies, the women who are going to take your place in the next generation are most likely going to be fuck-ups. I tell you this not to be cruel but because you need to accept that. Thanksgiving dinner is a battle where any single distraction will end in failure. Social media does not help this issue one bit. But for real, one second of distraction is the difference between a very juicy and very dry turkey. You must not fail!
4. The actual dinner is going to be hell
Once the entire family is over, and you and the rest of the people who made it are serving it, you get to enjoy yourself for all of twenty minutes before you see that not only did the battle include dinner, but also cleaning up. I bet those lazy harpies who ragged on you while cooking won’t be helping you clean, eh? But it doesn’t end there. No, you’re going have a few different kinds of people at your dinner. The first is family members you like. They’re cool. The second is the family members you don’t. You put on a nice face and pretend to like them. I don’t, but then, you shouldn’t be like me. There’s a reason that no one will be looking for me to be a host. Although, being able to employ your quotidian smart-ass will help you a lot. Especially if little jabs are something you’re good at. The third group is the family members everyone avoids. We all have that uncle, aunt, brother or sister, don’t we? They live up on a hill in the middle of nowhere and often smell bad. You smile and try to be nice. Sure, you love them but at the same time, you hate it when you have to associate for them for long periods of time.
Then there is the last group – significant others of family. So, if you have grown-up children, chances are that you will have to deal with boyfriends, girlfriends or “partners.” (a term I despise. Call them what they are!) Or there are those people for nieces and nephews. For your own children, especially daughters, you are going to hate these people. I mean, they are not good enough for your baby! They probably are just going to hurt them, am I right? Remember my previous advice – alcohol? Well, now that you are actually getting to sit down and eat, wine is your friend. But remember, moderation. You don’t actually want to blurt out that the girl who is with your son is a worthless slut who you don’t like, right? Or that the man with your daughter is nothing but a pervert who has no future.
5. Be nice to the in-laws!
I cannot over-emphasize this enough. Now, for a good 90% of you, this advice is very, very important, because you hate your in-laws. What’s more, they hate you. Remember what I said about how you will judge the the girl with your son, well, that’s who you are to them. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married to their child. You are still the worthless slut who is using him for his money. You’ll never change that outlook, so it’s best to just stop trying. As always, remember alcohol. Given how much I have shown you that you will not like the people you are around, moderation must really be monitored. After all, it’s not like you want to tell your mother-in-law that she is an uptight bitch who only ever complains about everything you do, when you wish that she would get up off her lazy ass and do this herself. I mean, it’s not like she’s too old! She could do SOMETHING, right? Ugh! So yeah, be careful. Telling her how much you hate her guts would only make things awkward. Don’t want that.
In case you haven’t been paying attention, the best ally you have to get through this day is booze. It makes dealing with the rest of things so much easier. But be careful. If you are dancing naked on the table, you went too far. Or singing loudly and off-key every time you hear something that was a lyric in a random song you know. I could give you advice about the cooking aspect, but they make books for that. You come here for the important stuff. So go out there and make your family proud! Or, do what I would do and deliberately screw it up, so as to watch the rest of them get sick and get sadistic pleasure out of it.
On second thought, taking my advice may be something to do in moderation, too. Or maybe not, who knows.
Until next time, a quote,
“Christmas is so big it’s eating other holidays! Watch your ass, Halloween. You’re next!” -Jon Stewart, The Daily Show