Oh man, this is gonna be fun. For those of you who are looking for the next part of the story I have been working on, don’t worry. I’m coming up on the last act of it, so I am going to wait until I have a guaranteed large amount of time to work on it. I want to make the final part of the story amazing. So, since we’re taking a bit of a hiatus from the story, I thought that I would instead focus on something funny. I recently came into the knowledge of a man named Justin Lookadoo from a YouTube vlogger who I occasionally check in on (a link to the video she made about this guy). I decided to go to the guy’s site that she was talking about, and this is a veritable gold-mine of hilarity. Here is a link to the site. The site is called R U Datable? It pretty much asks – are you datable? I cannot tell you how much people who use R U annoy me. Since we now have full keyboards, there is no excuse for writing in such a way! Anyway, I’m going to a bit old-school with this, posting statements from the site, and then responding to them. Enjoy.
The first section I am going after are the rules of being datable. The first section covers girls. Ladies, enjoy this with me.
Accept your girly-ness. You’re a girl. Be proud of all that means. You are soft, you are gentle, you are a woman. Don’t try to be a guy. Guys like you because you are different from them. So let your girly-ness soar.
Yes, ladies. If you are kind of a tomboy, then there is something wrong with you. And never forget – you are a woman. Because that vag will up and turn into a dick if you stop remembering that you are a woman. And naturally, all women know that they are soft and gentle, right? So all those women in the military, who are good soldiers, they’re just pretending. Fucking genius.
Tell it like it is. Dateable girls don’t lie to themselves. They don’t say stuff like, “His girlfriend just isn’t good to him, that’s why he’s seeing me on the side.” Or “She started it so I’m going to get even.” The Dateable girl let’s God run the world, and tells herself the truth–that all she can control is herself. She doesn’t imagine things to be more than they are.
I was wondering when Gawd would come into this. And I just love how condescending this is while trying to sound nice. Yes, ladies, you don’t control anything! You are just a nice piece of window dressing for the man. Plus, did you catch the part where they bring up quotes from women who are with a guy who is already with someone. And I guess that Gawd makes is so you don’t do that? Weird. Stupid. Sexist. Let’s continue.
The sexiest thing on a girl is happiness. Girls try so hard to add beauty and sexuality to themselves with clothes and make-up, but the truth is it’s your spirit that makes you hot. Your outlook on life, your happiness factor. Dateable girls aren’t downers, they love life.
Okay, while I do believe that a woman should have self-confidence (as should a man), this is just weird. With my own personal history, the girl I was last with, romantically, was an unbelievably depressing person. So am I. We ended up fueling each other’s depression in a lot of ways. Now, whether or not that was a good thing is open to debate. However, the fact is that what this chauvinist has said is bullshit. Ladies, you should have confidence, but don’t think that you have to be Ms. Bubbly-rainbow-sunshine. Food for thought.
Girls don’t fight girls, ever. Revenge belongs to God. Dateable girls know that when they fight other girls they look stupid and catty, and guys don’t like it any more than God does.
Ugh! Seriously?! Yes, because women who NEVER have a reason to get into a fight, right? And yes, you should be very conscious of what God and men like. Sweeties, let me give you a piece of advice – this is bullshit! I think a woman who is true to who she is is so much more “datable” than what this sexist douche thinks. Plus, fuck God! He doesn’t exist anyway, so who cares what he likes?!
Believe in your beauty. Dateable girl learn how to overcome the sins of the past that have been perpetrated on them. They don’t let the enemy steal their beauty. God made them, so they know they are beautiful, even if they don’t feel like it sometimes.
This is pure bullshit. This ties into the self-confidence, but since God doesn’t exist, this is all pointless.
Be mysterious. Dateable girls know how to shut up. They don’t monopolize the conversation. They don’t tell everyone everything about themselves. They save some for later. They listen more than they gab.
Did you catch that, ladies? Don’t you go talking! That’s a man’s job! Ugh…
Act confident. Dateable girls know that confidence is hot. And the cool part is that no one knows if you are confident but you. Confidence isn’t how you feel, it’s how you act. Act confident and people will think you are.
Yes, ladies, don’t BE confident. Act it! Because fake confidence is WAY better than the real kind. I just love how dumb this is! Yes, confidence is not a feeling, it’s how you act. Seriously?! What psychology book did you get this insight from? Well, you named your page R. U. Datable. I didn’t have much hope for you to be smart.
Look ‘em in the eye. Part of being a Dateable girl means you really see people. They matter, and if you don’t look them in the eye then you will never see them and they will never know they matter to you. Look ‘em in the eye. They are valuable.
Uh…does anyone else see where he was going with this? I’m a little lost.
Let him lead. God made guys as leaders. Dateable girls get that and let him do guy things, get a door, open a ketchup bottle. They relax and let guys be guys. Which means they don’t ask him out!!!
God is this sexist. I have had had more than one woman who believes that it should only be guys who ask a girl out. I’ve never gotten that. I mean, if you like somebody, reach out and grab him! Or her, if that’s how you drift. I got both ways, so it’s all good. Plus, while I am the kind of guy who grabs a door and is polite, I don’t get this belief that women should just sit back and do nothing. This isn’t the 50’s, guys and gals. Let’s grow up a bit. That said, if a guy is just being nice, like me, don’t rag on him. He’s just trying to be polite.
Need him. Dateable girls know that guys need to be needed. A Dateable girl isn’t Miss Independent. She knows we are made for community. Needing each other is part of faith. She allows him to be needed at times, knowing he was called to serve just as much as she was.
Alright ladies, let’s lay this bag of snakes straight – to be datable, you have to be a little clingy, have no independence, keep quiet and act confident. This man is so sexist that it boggles the mind! I find this incredible! Plus, if you need “faith” for this relationship, then it is dead on arrival.
So, that was the ladies portion. Are you ready guys? Now we get to find out what makes us datable.
Being a guy is good. Dateable guys know they aren’t as sensitive as girls and that’s okay. They know they are stronger, more dangerous, and more adventurous and that’s okay. Dateable guys are real men who aren’t afraid to be guys.
Ah, yes. To be a datable guy, you have to be a gruff and unemotional brick wall that is only romantic in small doses. Because sensitivity is just gay!
Believe in yourself. Dateable guys know they are men even if someone has tried to bring them down or make them less than men. They know that the past doesn’t define the future.
Wow. I don’t actually find this piece of advice so bad. Though, I will add this – ladies, listen to this also! Don’t let anyone make you less than what you are. Including chauvinists like Justin Lookadoo.
Control your mind. Dateable guys know that God demands self control. They learn ways to control their minds so they can control their bodies.
Oh fuck, here we go again. It’s like every time religion comes into this really bad list of rules, it gets that much dumber. So yes, men are supposed to be able to control their minds. How so? What are they supposed to only think about? Since you have Gawd in this, then I’m assuming that involves that sexist douche.
Don’t just want a win, want an adventure. Dateable guys know life is about danger. You might not win, but that’s not the point, doing it is. Dateable guys risk failure to live the adventure of life.
Another piece of advice that isn’t so bad. Isn’t it ironic that the best advice on this list is exclusively for men? I find that interesting.
Face your Fears. Dateable guys will not be controlled by fear. Whatever controls you owns you. Fear is from the enemy and so the Dateable guy stands in the face of it and says, “ha!”
So, since this is on the list for men, I guess women are supposed to be trembling cowards. Given how sexist this man’s outlook on women is, I’d buy that.
Men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.
Ah, and women have NEVER fought battles and conquered lands, right? Oh, wait. There was Margaret Thatcher, Cleopatra, Joan of Arc and Queen Elizabeth. All of them have a very impressive body count on them. And of course, you men shouldn’t EVER compromise anything for your partner. Let that bitch compromise for you! So sexist.
Bring God into it. Dateable guys bring God into it. “What would He say if he was talking to me through this situation?” they ask.
God isn’t real. Fuck this advice.
Be honest with girls. Dateable guys don’t use the truth to their advantage. They know that girls read into things so they don’t use that for their good. They are honest and not manipulative.
I just love the subtle implications here. The implications that women are treacherous liars, while men are virtuous saints. Unbelievable.
Be a gentleman. Chivalry is not dead with the Dateable guy. Even if society thinks this is old fashioned he knows that it is God-fashioned. He keeps his gentleman side strong and considers all women important enough to care for.
I kind of already touched on this, so let’s move on.
Keep it covered up. Dateable guys know that porn is bad for the spirit and the mind. They keep women covered up.
While I will say that guys shouldn’t take any lessons from porn, this idea that if a guy has a healthy appetite for sex, he isn’t datable is just horrible. This guy is an idiot.
So, that was the list of rules. Tell me – who among my audience found out that they are not datable? I know I sure did. Thank God!
Until next time, a quote,
“Faith. That’s another word for ignorance, isn’t it?” -Gregory House, House M.D.