Girl Scouts Makes Girls Gay! (or so this idiot pastor thinks…)

It’s not often that I get to mock some insane religious nutjob in a way that is entertaining.  The last time I got to do this was when I went after the man who thought that Pokemon were the gateway drug to satanism.  That was fun.  Now, we have a man who thinks that the Girl Scouts and buying Girl Scout cookies endorses lesbianism.  I’m going old-school with this and going to do a hit-for-hit response.  Here is a link to the source, and the man speaking is Pastor Kevin Swanson.  Enjoy.

Individualism of feminism has been devastating this country!

You know, I have a lot of problems with modern feminism.  There are those who ardently support that it is just as good as old-school feminism, claiming that it is just the fringes who are the insane misandristic sociopaths who want the world to become their little feminist utopia.  And yet, they aren’t public about it.  They write books (that no one reads, because they don’t know the exist) and make blog posts (that no one sees because they don’t market), occasionally.  And that is for the same reason that Christians who are no insane doing actively go after their colleagues who are – because they don’t want to fight their own people.  But when you start off your statement about this with that, it just invalidates everything else that will follow afterwards.

Dave, yeah, I just say no to the Girl Scout cookies too!

So do I, but I have a smart reason – they are too damn expensive and the boxes are too small.  Learn the market you’re working in, ladies!  But don’t worry.  His reasons are hilarious.

I mean, I don’t want to support lesbianism!

How much do you wanna bet that this guy either does or has fapped to lesbian porn in the past?

I don’t want to support Planned Parenthood and I don’t want to support abortion!

Wow!  That logic train is about as good as the one Yoda used in Phantom Menace.  Yes, if you support the Girl Scouts and buy their over-priced cookies, you are supporting abortion and Planned Parenthood.  I can’t wait to hear this idiot try and justify this.

And if that be the case, I’m not buying Girl Scout cookies!

I’m sure they’re going to miss you.

Now, I suppose if you take a big fat black magic marker and said, “gimme that box!” and you start making out all of the references to the Girl Scouts of America on all of the boxes, then maybe then maybe we’re not promoting that organization anymore and I’d be willing to buy it.

If anyone in the Girl Scouts is in my audience, can you hit me up and tell me if you actually care if this egotist does or doesn’t buy your cookies?  I would genuinely like to know.

Maybe so.  Maybe it’s not food offered to idols anymore.

What?!  What the hell do “idols” have to do with this?!

If I have the chance to scratch out references to the Girl Scouts of America offered to me and safely.

Wow, I guess that you Girl Scouts are just worshiping Satan now, since apparently you’re all lesbians.  You think he faps to that thought?

You know, those are some pretty expensive cookies you’re eating, though.

That was his co-host interjecting.  I get the feeling that they share the same brain cell between them.

Yeah, that’s true.
And you have to, at some point the Christian has to say ‘the Earth is the Lord’s,’ and where you spend your money, it really does count.

Yeah, why spend money where you want to?  That money could be helping Gawd!  If this God character really gives a shit if you spend your money on cookies, then why on Earth do you worship him?!  This man is pathetic!  So unbelievably pathetic!  This is kind of sad.

And I don’t want to promote a wicked organization!  That is, according to its own website, doesn’t promote ‘godly womanhood.’

Ah, yes.  Do you remember “godly womanhood,” ladies?  When you were to be silent in church and if you had any questions, you would ask your husband when you got home? (1 Corinthians 14:34) That must have been cool.  Or the belief that your husband could rape you and it would be okay, because he’s your husband (or you had to marry your rapist, as in Deuteronomy 22:28-29).  Wouldn’t that be so much better?!  To have no control over your bodies, and for your husband to be your master?  Wouldn’t you like that?

It doesn’t!  I don’t see anything that promotes ‘godly womanhood.’

Good on you, Girl Scouts.  Good on you.

The vision of Girl Scouts of America is antithetical to the biblical vision of womanhood, friends.  It’s antithetical to it!

I would give the Girl Scouts a hug.  Now I kind of feel guilty I didn’t buy more cookies.  For real, I’m buying a fuck-ton when they are going on.

Please, I beg of you, do not buy Girl Scout cookies!  Please, I bet of you, stop buying Girl Scout cookies!  And if you do, please take a big black magic marker and cross out every reference to Girl Scouts of America on every sign and on all the boxes, because we don’t want to promote that organization.

Please, I beg of you, buy Girl Scout cookies.  I will swallow my pride and admit that I was wrong.  If buying cookies helps Planned Parenthood and makes all girls lesbians, I can live with that just fine.  I’m a guy who likes two girls making out, I support equal rights to marriage (I mean, if they can fuck, why can’t they marry?  Seems hypocritical to me) and I urge you – promote this.  Because it is better than “godly womanhood.”  Of that, I can assure you.

This man is a fucking idiot, hilarious to listen to and someone I will check in on again in the near future.  Laugh-fucking-riot.  Oh, and if any Girl Scouts read this, make sure that you troll him like he has never been trolled before.

Until next time, a quote,

“Just because a majority of people think that something is right doesn’t make it right!  You don’t have to agree just for the sake of agreeing.”  -Jaclyn Glenn, 10 Things Christians Should Know About Homosexuality

Peace out,



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s