There are days when I wish that I was a visual artist. I tried my hand at it once, but never was very good. But then I remembered – I have the written word. And that most certainly is a form of art. Now, I never profess to being a perfect writer. Far from it. I know that I am flawed, abuse the living shit out of commas and have a lot to learn. But this is the medium I know best, and it is the medium that I am going to use for this post.
See, my college has an art project going on called “No Apologies.” It is supposed to be a positive reflection on yourself, and what you stand for. I can dig that. So, I thought that I would put my own version of this idea up. But therein lies the problem – I’m not an artist in the traditional sense. So, instead of making an art project, I decided instead to tell you what I would design, using the power of words.
I had a friend who was an amazing artist. Something tells me that she is going to be doing her own project for this. She did one for the last big to-do art deal here at the college. But she can’t help me. She hates me now. Why? Well, that’s something I may never find out. Anyway, she showed me what could be done with charcoal, and for a project like this, I would either use charcoal or oil painting.
I would have my project be something involving me being half in shadow and half in light. That’s how I exist, most of the time. I live in a world of light, but I am never completely in it. Nobody ever truly sees all of me. Since I have been so routinely rejected for who I am, I just learned to keep certain parts of me in darkness. I would also have the part in shadow outlined a bit. It would have a big and dark smile. This is another part of myself.
See, I have a split-personality. It is of my own making. I was in a coma for a month when I was 14. I cannot begin to tell you how slowly time passed in that place. It was a never-ending Hell. In that darkness, I was afraid and alone, all the time. Being an incredibly smart kid, I decided to do something drastic, so I wasn’t so alone. I tore my subconscious in half, making part of me the intellectual side, and the me that is writing right now as the creative side. I knew that if it was just an imaginary friend, the illusion wouldn’t work. I would learn what this person would say. So it had to be a completely different entity, but somebody that I could be familiar with. Thus, the me that exists now, Lucien, was born. My given name and me are two different people, with very different desires and personalities. The aforementioned friend is one of the few people who knew both of us on a very personal level.
But yeah, he would be smiling, because Eli was always better at being happy. It is what everyone says he was like. I’ll take them at his word. Plus, we both are a little screwed-up, so that smile would reflect some inner madness. Don’t worry, I am not some dangerous nutjob. I just have some quirks.
The picture would be set in a grayscale room. But there would be something far to one side or the other – a window. Outside, there would be a small bit of a beautiful world. A world that I want to experience and live in. But this darkness is where I am more comfortable. I am not ashamed of that. Part of the premise of “No Apologies.” I would be dressed in an old-school suit, like Humphrey Bogart in one of his old noir films. And there would be a very regal-looking collar around my neck, because I am kind of into the S&M scene.
So, you are probably wondering – where does the “No Apologies” thing come in? That doesn’t seem like I am making a statement. Well, it comes from the fact that I am not apologizing for who I am. Who I am is strange. Who I am is kind of messed up. Who I am doesn’t make any fucking sense, to either of us. Who I am is different, in a way that will never mesh with what society expects of us. And I am not apologizing for that. I kind of like this guy that we have become. I am proud of who I am, and what I am doing. I may not have a clear direction on where I want my life to go, but that’s alright. So long as I am moving forward, that’s all that matters.
And that is what I want for my project. I hope you understand.
Until next time, a quote,
“I am who I am. I don’t ever want to change for you or anyone else. I’m not perfect. I run into things. I trip. I spill food. I fail sometimes. I say stupid things. But that’s just me. If I want to change, I’ll change for myself and not for you or anyone else.” – Unknown