How to be a Christian Rocker/Rapper

So, you wake up one morning and you think to yourself – I think that God wants me to be a rock star!  Or maybe a rap artist.  Either way, you want to do this.  And naturally, you figure that there must be an easy way for you to get rock or rap to be all for God, right?  Well, if that is what you feel like your calling is, here are a few pointers to help you get on your way to spreading the message of God through your music.

1. Totally try and pander to what you think is popular
After all, if Michael Bay can get away with it, why can’t you?  Watch some old music videos and don’t for a second think about what is or isn’t popular.  Just go with your gut-instinct.  I mean, if it worked on MTV, it must work now, right?

2. Don’t think for a moment about how Christian rock is looked down upon
There will be lots of people who will come up to you and say that your music sucks, and you aren’t making things better for Christians.  Or they will say that you are making rock look worse by what you are doing.  Well, they are just heathens who God hates and will burn in Hell.  So don’t put any credence to what they say.  Sure, you may not be making hardly any money.  But your reward is in Heaven.  Well, maybe.  I mean, it doesn’t actually say anywhere in the Bible that God loves Christian rock, does it?  But hey, it’s for God.  That comes with the territory, right?  So yeah, don’t listen to any of the doubters or haters.  They are just hating on you because of how much you love God, and how in God’s good graces you are.  Even though he has never and will never talk to you.  You know by default.

3. If your lyrics suck, that’s alright.  It’s for God, so it’s all good
Remember that rap “Christian Side Hug?”  Remember how totally ridiculous and stupid the lyrics are?  Well, that doesn’t matter.  I mean, look at some of the other garbage that kids are listening to these days.  Am I right?  They listen to Justin Bieber, for crying out loud!  And she is still one of the most popular women currently in music today.  And I think it’s just awesome of Selena Gomez to be totally out of the closet with her.  What a brave girl.  Even if, since we all know that God hates homosexuality, they will both be burning in Hell.  Still, brave of them.  But yeah, your lyrics are about promoting the Holy Spirit.  So even if they don’t sound all that good, it’s alright.  You have God on your side.

4. Don’t think too hard about if your songs make God out to be a petty douchebag
There are people who have made videos about this.  One guy made a video called “God’s Music,” where he showed that some of the lyrics in these songs really don’t make much sense, and if you really think about them, they kind of make God out to be an incompetent jerk who really doesn’t care much for his own creations and only cares about his own selfish impulses.  And hey, he even pointed out that the music was funny, right?!  So naturally, if you are doubting the lyrics you make, just assume that God loves it, and you are totally fine.

5. Don’t question why God needs you to carry the torch for him
I mean, sure, if God would only come down in a form that could be perceived, nobody would question his existence.  It would be the quickest way that the world could understand his greatness and believe in him.  But don’t let yourself get sucked into that internal conflict either.  After all, he created this world and left no trace of his existence, so that must be even more proof that he he’s real, right?  I mean, an all-knowing God who is supposedly in all places wouldn’t just create this world and totally leave the people inside of it, with all the natural disasters, disease war and famine with no proof unless he was real, right?  Sure, that sounds totally heartless, but God has a plan for it, after all.  Even if it sounds like a gutless and mean-spirited plan, it will all make sense eventually.

6. Always let your passion cloud if you have a good singing voice or not
If there is one piece of advice we could give above all others, this would be it.  I mean, sure, no record label will even look twice at you.  Your music is loved by the church, and that’s all that matters.  I mean, it’s not like your family, friends, church and all the people who have very strong ties to you and wouldn’t want you to feel bad would lie to you and tell you that you’re good, right?  Naturally, they are the most objective source of guidance that you could get on how good you are at making music.  And of course, your priest wouldn’t like to you.  They have you at the church every Sunday, don’t they?  Yeah, that totally makes sense.

There, got all that?  Good.  Now go out and make your terrible music, so the rest of the rock or rap community can point and snicker at you.  I mean, if you can’t give us a good laugh, then what use are you?

Until next time, a quote,

“Can’t you see?  You’re not making Christianity better.  You’re just making rock and roll worse.”  -Hank Hill, King of the Hill

Peace out,

Maverick

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