“Joseph Smith was called a Prophet, dumb, du-dumb-dumb-dumb!”
Yup, that’s about how this works. So, I’m going to do something I haven’t really done before – attack the Mormons. I went after scientologists, so now, I want to go and make a spectacle of the Mormons. These guys are the funniest religion I have ever seen. Their beliefs are so bat-shit crazy that you actually have to take some time out and listen to this stuff to find out how nuts it is. But some of the really freaky stuff you might not believe. That said, here is the mormon faith in a nutshell. I’ll give it to you as a series of facts.
Fact 1 – they believe that their faith is the only right one, and all the others are wrong.
Okay, that’s not too crazy. All religions that I have seen have that same viewpoint.
Fact 2 – they believe God is not a being outside of the universe, but that he lives on a planet near the star of Kolob. He is a flesh and blood creature that is roughly six feet tall.
It’s hard not to laugh. Something I love most is that Christians get a laugh with me, but don’t see the tragic irony of that. They believe that a rib-woman ate the fruit of a magic tree, was told by a talking snake, and was cursed with a sin that it takes a Jewish brown-skinned Middle Eastern zombie to fix, by eating his flesh and drinking his blood (cannibalism, much?), while telepathically telling him that you accept him as your lord and savior, to forgive. I won’t get into the nit and grit of how stupid that argument is (he lives on a far-away star but can affect Earth and create all life, and be all places? What the fuck?!), because we have so much more ground to cover.
Fact 3 – to produce Jesus, he actually fucked Mary. None of that virgin-birth shit. He outright fucked her.
So, how is Mitt Romney going to be running against Obama when he has just pissed off half the Christians in this country?
Fact 4 – they believe that black people are cursed because they didn’t side with Jesus in the war against Satan. Now don’t tell me they don’t hold that view anymore. They didn’t deny it, just pushed it aside, to keep their tax exemption status. They also believe that if a black person prays hard enough, they will become white.
We’ve finally explained Michael Jackson!
Fact 5 – According to Joseph Smith (the rapist/pedophile/sycophant), after Jesus was crucified, he came to America and met the Native Americans, and that they are the lost tribe of the Jews. How they got darker skin is, well, that story is a little racist, even for me, so we’ll leave it there.
Boy, I hope this religion isn’t on the up and up, because of Jesus was an Native American, us white people are so fucked! I mean, think about how we have treated the natives of this country. We couldn’t kiss Jesus’ ass enough!
Fact 6 – they believe the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. The New Jerusalem will be there too.
I hear most Christians believe it was in Rome, somewhere near the Vatican (if it was a real place, it was probably somewhere in Iraq or Palestine, given that the Bible takes place in the Middle East).
Fact 7 – Mormons collect the names of dead people. They are stored in a mountain vault.
No bullshit here. These people actually collect the names of the dead. The vault is located in Granite Mountain, Utah. There, they store records of as many dead people as they can possibly find. It’s really, really creepy. The Mormons collect dead people. Why, you may ask? Well, that’s easy –
Fact 8 – Mormons actually can convert dead people.
Here are some examples of people they have actually converted: Joan of Arc, Buddha, Anne Frank, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Genghis Khan and Mitt Romney’s dad-in-law. I love this religion. It’s so bat-shit insane, and so many people look down on it, all the wonder not realizing their hypocrisy for not looking at their own faith with such a critical eye. Not to mention sick beyond all belief because they have also converted Holocaust victims. Gotta love how totally heartless Mormons are there. Because, as they know, their religion is the right one. Mormons are the perfect example to me of why all religions are equally stupid.
Fact 9 – they believe in magic underpants.
Here are some things the magic underpants can protect you from – fire, knives, bullets, grenades and Satan. I’d love to see one of them going into battle with those magic underwear, front and center, because he’s so sure he would live.
Fact 10 – they believe that you need a secret password to get into Heaven.
I don’t find this as crazy as the Christian belief that when you get there, you are judged in context with a test that you don’t know the rules of, but have to pass. Well now, those are some funny facts. But here are some not so funny ones that really irk me about their religion.
Fact 11 – the moment you leave the church, you are a social outcast, you have committed social suicide.
A lot like Jehovah’s witnesses, the moment a person leaves the church, they are a social pariah. They are something to look down up, something to despise. Their social hierarchy will attack you on the spot. But really, if you look at their social hierarchy, it gets even creepier.
Fact 12 – in the eyes of the Mormon faith, if you do what you want, it’s a sin. You are ABSOLUTELY to do what you are told by the members of the church hierarchy.
Christianity isn’t much better in these regards, and it’s equally fucked-up. Sorry, but there’s no way around that.
Fact 13 – It is EXTREMELY sexist.
Mormon women are given extreme gender roles. Mormon wives are to be totally subservient to their husbands, to the point of demanding that they produce offspring even when they are so old that it is dangerous to their health. According to their own text, “women have a different place.”
Fact 14 – I made a joke about how racist their religion is, but it is really racist.
The only reason they let black people become part of their patriarchy is because the government threatened to axe their tax-free status. Not for any good reason.
Fact 15 – Mormons are extremely anti-gay.
One of the biggest opponents of gay marriage are Mormon groups and the Mormon church.
Fact 16 – They have some creepy-ass, no bullshit, cultish rituals.
You know how I said they can convert the dead? If you could ever get a camera inside and see it, their baptisms of dead people are being disturbing. So are their “sealing” ceremonies. For real, I have a buddy who has been sticking it out undercover within the Mormon church as a member to get this all filmed. He figures they’d try and sue him to keep it all under wraps, but he commented that he has $20 and a car to his name, so fuck’em, they can have it.
Fact 17 – The Mormon church has resisted almost every single civil rights movement of the last 100 years.
When you look at the fact that their religion is unbelievably sexist, racist and homophobic, this really shouldn’t surprise anyone. After all, if you give women, blacks and gays rights, who are they going to look down on?
But by far the creepiest fact of all –
Fact 18 – Joseph Smith was a rapist/pedophile/sycophant
Ever have a wild guess where the whole polygamy thing came from? Utah is still famous for it. It came from the fact that Smith couldn’t keep it in his pants, and wanted a way to justify it. Plus, a lot of the girls he fucked were underage, and many of them were not really all that much consenting, so much as not having a choice. These were girls who were pressured into sex, and then pressured into marriage to justify getting fucked without their consent, ie, raped.
This is the Mormon faith, and we are going to be looking to elect a Mormon to the head of this country. In an ideal world, we would have totally secular people running this country, but that isn’t the case, so much.
Until next time, a quote,
“And oh yeah, you’re like ‘that’s some crazy shit.’ Okay, Jesus with the virgin birth and the dove and the snake who talked in the Garden, that’s cool.” -Bill Maher, Religulous