Lucien’s Review: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

So, a couple of nights ago, a friend of mine came to me, and we were both kind of depressed.  We wanted to see something that would lighten our spirits.  We had been out drinking a bit, before this, so we were a little tipsy, but I saw on her phone that the new Twilight movie was out.  I just knew, going to see that, that this was going to be fun.  I have loved almost all of these movies, specifically for how bad they are.  The terrible special effects, the atrocious dialogue, the absolute lack of chemistry to ANY of the romantic relationships, and a story so bad that it is legendary among both literature AND film buffs.  This series will go down in history for how bad it is.  Stephenie Meyer will go down in history as an author who created something that not only spits on her and her religion, but the very idea of love itself!  This woman should be proud.  Her creation will go down in history…for how much it sucks!  That should make any author proud.

But, we decide to go see this movie.  Now, we sit down, and are forced to watch preview for every crappy film that is going to come out in the next year or so.  For real, not one fun preview in the whole lot.  There were all these girls, and their boyfriends, who looked miserable, having been dragged there because they don’t want to lose access to their girlfriend’s love-rug (which, given that Twilight is a metaphor for abstinence, that is kind of funny) in the audience.  The guys couldn’t have possibly looked less happy.  This was who we wanted to see this with.

So, the film picks up where the previous film left off.  They have this kid.  But, since the people who made this movie were too fucking stupid to pay some poor woman like a couple hundred buck to borrow her baby for 10 scenes, they made the baby entirely CG.  And the kid was fucking creepy!  I haven’t seen a CG effect this gross since the baby in Final Fantasy X-2!  This baby effect was so bad!  It was such a great start to such an awful movie.  This kid grows up like unbelievably fast.  And Jacob, who used to be the only likeable character in the previous films, becomes a creepy pedophile in this movie.  Like, no joke, it’s disturbing as fuck.  He takes the kid away, for reasons you don’t care about.  He brings the kid back, and because the kid imprinted on him, and he asks Edward, “So, should I call you ‘Dad?’”  That was the creepiest thing ever!  I mean, that’s like pedo-bear (or in this case, pedo-wolf), sex offender registry sort of stuff.  This guy should have a restraining order against him.  It’s that bad.

Oh, and another thing – Bella’s a vampire now!  And, something that wasn’t in the previous films – she has super-powers.  They all do.  Vampires are now superheroes.  Why?  No explanation.  There is literally this group of vampires who are like the vampire Fantastic Four.  They can control water, air, fire, earth.  I swear, it’s like ripping off The Last Airbender (not the series that that movie was made off of.  I wouldn’t dare compare the two).  And Bella is The Invisible Woman, able to make shields, and she also can fly, and she’s The Flash.  It’s so ridiculous.

But the best part of this movie, by far, by leaps and epic bounds, is the villain.  Michael Sheen plays the gayest villain of ALL TIME!  This guy was so over-the-top and hammy and epically gay that it was a joy to watch.  I was so happy watching every moment of this character and his black-robed vampire Illuminati group.  These people were great.  Every time this character had any time on screen, my friend and I were cracking up.  And all these girls were looking at us like they didn’t get the joke.  What’s not to get?!  This guy’s hilarious!  I half-expected him to just bend one of these guys over a table and start butt-fucking them.  He was that gay.  The queen behavior was at 10 in this movie.  I swear, The Birdcage could take lesson on being gay from this character.  This was so much fun.  It made paying for this movie that much better.  And even if we hadn’t been a little drunk, it still would have been funny.

Anyway, because I don’t want to explain the plot (because you don’t care, as you shouldn’t), I will just give some of the highlights of this movie.  The first is that the main characters go all over the world, and sometimes, the people of the world come to them, and it’s ethnic stereotype jambalaya.  I mean, we’re talking George Lucas levels of racism.  It was amazing to watch.  They didn’t miss a single note.  I half-expected, when they went to Africa, for there to be the bone-in-the-nose character.  But sadly, they didn’t have that ethnic stereotype.  The only time they decide not to be racist, and it’s then.  Damn screen-play writers.

But by far, the most amazing part of this film, was close to the end.  They black-robed vampire Illuminati are going to fight it out with Bella and Edward and the Cullens and their Werewolf buddies, and Jacob (the pedophile), and the vampire Illuminati brought their Fantastic Four.  They have this girl who can show you the future trying to stop this, but super-gay Illuminati vampire basically just says that they were going to fight, no matter what.  And here’s the crazy thing – this is a REALLY epic fight!  I loved this battle!  The two sides charge each other.  They got the operatic music of death!  It’s totally badass fight scene between them!  This was kind of awesome.  I was getting into this.  Head and body parts go flying.  Finally, Bella and Edward rip the head off of super-gay vampire, and they pick it up, and Bella goes all badass and lights her fist on fist on fire and is about to cook the severed head of Michael Sheen’s character, when all the sudden – flash back!  It was all a dream!

WHAT?!  WHAT THE FUCK?!  A dream?!  Are you fucking kidding me?!  That was the only time in my entire life, that was I was screaming at a movie.  My friend and I threw our snack boxes and soda cups at the screen, going “BOO!  BOOOO!”  The rest of the theater was laughing at how dumb this was.  The cheapest cop-out in cinema history, and all to keep the super-nice lovey-dovey bullshit message of no violence, so that teen girls don’t have to be exposed to anything fun.  This was the worst!  The absolute worst.

These movies and books should be put into a time capsule.  Because they so immortalize this belief about teenage girls – that they are dumb, ignorant, asexual, totally religious creatures who have no sexual desire, it’s only men, and men should feel bad about it.  Stephanie Meyer has created a series that will be mocked by people for ages to come.  This woman is a miracle of writers.  She has created a series that can be mocked by everybody for how stupid it is.  This movie was ridiculous, over-the-top, intellectually bankrupt, and I loved every minute of it.  I would and will probably see this movie again, with friends, on bad movie night, with lots of drinks.

Watch this movie, and see for yourself.

So, the final verdict is hard for this movie.  On the one hand, I love watching it.  On the other, this movie is a piece of shit.  So, how to rate this?  Well, I think I’ll have two ratings -

Final Verdict for film quality:
1 out of 10 – What the Fuck?!

Final Verdict for my experience -
8 out of 10 – So much fun to laugh at!

See this movie, and get in to the fun!

Peace out,

Maverick

Top 10 Writers or Series with DIE HARD Fans

Well, since it is kind of a gloomy day out, I thought that I would stay in and read a book.  As I was reading, I realized that there were some problems with it.  Using the internet, I got online and I decided to post what I thought were some plot holes.  And out of the woodwork came a mass of people all talking about how stupid I am and how I am not seeing the writer’s vision.  This got me to thinking about all the other series’ and writers who sometimes are so stupid that it hurts, but will get a mass of people to come and tear the heads off of anybody who says otherwise.  So, I thought that I would do a list of the top 10 writers or series’ that have some DIE HARD fans.  Let’s all get ready to have some hate thrown at us, and get rolling!

10. Stephen King
Stephen King has kind of become a running gag in the world of writers.  Of course, he does have good books.  Misery was pretty cool, The Green Mile was pretty fun and Carrie is one of my favorite books.  But where he has a lot of good work, he also has a LOT of crap.  The general pattern with King is that the longer his book is, generally the more it sucks.  But what his legion of die-hard fans don’t realize is that King actually does have a sense of humor about his work, and realizes that he is no Shakespeare.  Take the book “IT,” for example.  King had said in interviews that he had written himself into a corner by the end of the book, and didn’t know what to do.  The ridiculously dumb ending to that book was just him trying to find a way out.  But as the Nostalgia Critic found out, when you bad-mouth one of his works, his fans come pouring out, making the case of how the person attacking it doesn’t understand.  King has a sense of humor about his work, people, and so should you.

9. Harry Potter
I just thought I would take the time now to say that I don’t hate this series.  In fact, it is a fun read.  But I do see the problems with it.  For one thing – Harry isn’t all that much of a hero.  He isn’t that smart, isn’t that talented, or even that skilled.  I would say that 70% of all the fixes that Harry gets himself into, he gets out of by pure luck.  And when it isn’t luck, there is almost always one person who figures it all out – Hermoine.  She was, by far, the most capable of all of the characters.  She solves almost all of the mysteries.  She is almost always saving the day by solving what Harry and Ron weren’t capable of.  Hell, her frozen body was more clever than Harry and Ron!  Also, she has a much more interesting back-story.  But when I said that to a girl who is a big Harry Potter fan, she quickly jumped on to point out how I am dead wrong.  This is a pattern a lot of them follow.  All I am saying is that Harry isn’t that interesting.  The series still is, but the main character, not so much.  But like everything else on this list, don’t say that to the die-hard fans.

8. Haters (Anime, Video Games, etc.
Now, I think I should put some context to this.  These are the people who are DEAD certain that any medium that they are not a fan of is crap, and should be totally disregarded.  One such person was a girl in my Western History II class.  We got into a discussion about the anime genre.  She said that it wasn’t worth talking about because there was a lot of stupid crap in the genre.  Now, she makes a good point that there is a lot of silliness and junk, but here’s the thing – you can’t judge a genre by the crap.  Think about it – all genres have a lot of garbage in them.  There is plenty of “art” that is just stupid.  Like the amalgamation of steel and junk that is welded together outside the Arts building at UAA.  That is just stupid, but so many people think that it is great art.  Or there is a nifty project inside the arts building where a guy made an up-side down staircase of hanging pennies, each with a hole cut in the middle and fishing line.  While that is cool, it’s not art.  Books, movies, sculptures and paintings, there is crap all over the art and production work.  You can’t look at things from such a narrow perspective.  But people will defend to the last that some genres are just junk, or can never rise to greatness.

7. Ron Paul
Oh good god!  Let me tell you about a politician named Ron Paul. He is a libertarian (yet runs as a Republican. Consistency) politician very much in the Ayn Randian circle (except when it comes to abortion), believing that there should be as little government as possible.  Of course, what they won’t say is that he openly two-faces on his own positions of believing that things like gay marriage and abortion should be left up to individual states.  Looking at abortion, he says it should be up to the states, but then comes back and introduces the “Sanctity of Life Act” that says that all life begins at conception, effectively outlawing abortion.  But man does this dude have some die-hard fans.  The only reason he is this low on the list is because honestly, I just don’t care what this guy has to say.  I like that he will actually stick with his position, and a number of the issues he raises I agree with, but here’s the thing – his idea of how a government should run would never work, and anybody with more than 20 brain cells knows this.  His belief about personal government hinges on people being so much better people than they actually are.  People suck and corporations manipulate. I guess Ron Paul didn’t get that memo.  So yeah, I let him say what he wants.  He’s nuts.  Case closed.

6. Dr. Who
What gets me is that I don’t get where this huge base has come from.  I have watched a few episodes, and it feel a lot like a science fiction soap opera.  I’m not a hater of the show, I just don’t get where the loyalty is coming from.  What draws people do it?  I mean, the story is…okay.  The effects are silly.  The music is awful.  Maybe what draws people is the same thing that draws people to what Joss Whedon creates.  The old-school style of science fiction which does have some charm to it.  But when anybody comes out and says anything against the Doctor and his show, these people are like rabid dogs!  Again, I’m not a hater, I just don’t understand where this dedication comes from.  The whole thing feels very mediocre to me.  Oh well, science fiction nuts are definitely a group of die-hard fans, and we’ll be coming back to them VERY soon.

5. Star Trek
And here we go.  I hate Trekkies!  These people are some of the most annoying thing ever to have greeted the human race.  I went to see the new Star Trek movie with a friend of mine, and all throughout the film there were a group of Trekkies sitting in front of us bitching about how the movie was flawed.  I ended up flicking Skittles at them after a while.  Since they were going to ruin the movie for me, I thought that I would ruin the experience for them.  Thankfully there were enough people there than they never figured out it was me.  But for real, these people just drive me nuts!  They feel the need to pick apart every little thing that’s wrong with any Star Trek thing that they don’t like.  I had a friend like that, and we all wanted to kill him every time we sat down and watched some Next Generation or Voyager.  Now, that’s another thing – I’m not a hater against Voyager.  Some elements worked better than others, and I hated that stupid outfit that they put Seven of Nine in, but honestly, aside from that, it was pretty well done.  Trekkies symbolize everything that is wrong with die-hard fans, and why they should all stay in their basements where they belong!

4. Joss Whedon
Now before you go off on me, this is another instance where, like Stephen King, Joss Whedon is not a terrible writer.  He has made some good films, and some good TV shows (sort of), but just like Stephen King, for every good thing that he creates, he also creates a lot of crap.  For instance, the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer had some fun characters, like Giles, Willow, Faith and my personal favorite, Spike.  But then there were all the awful ones, like Buffy herself, Xander and that bitchy little sister who everybody who watched that show wanted to strangle, Dawn.  And Angel was also really stupid.  Ironic that every show modeled after a name has the title character blowing balls.  Neat, huh?  But yeah, he does have a lot of imagination, and a lot of his plotlines are well-thought out, but the fact is that there is a lot of stuff that Whedon makes that is just as stupid a can be.  I’m not hating on the guy, I just think that he isn’t the great god that almost everybody I talk to seem to believe him to be.

3. Heroes
Let me say up-front that I am a fan of this show.  But like anybody with two brain cells to rub together, I am also smart enough to realize that it isn’t perfect.  The quality of this show did go down rather quickly.  It had a couple “jumping the shark” moments.  But it still had many redeeming qualities.  The characters were fun, and the villains were often pretty fun too.  Sylar is probably going onto another list someday of badass TV characters.  In this case, I am not so much poking fun at the people who are die-hard for this, because honestly, I don’t think that this show was beyond redemption, even though it did jump the shark.  I think that it could have been salvaged.  The problem with this show was that the writers didn’t seem to know what they wanted it to be.  It just was…something.  That’s a problem with any show, and I think it could have been better handled here.  A show with a lot of potential, and a lackluster delivery.

2. Twilight
Remember how I was saying that Ron Paul fans become like rabid dogs?  Well, so do Twilight fans.  I don’t get how girls and even women in this country can be so stupid to not see right past this nullodramatic crap.  Stephanie Meyer is another author who has become a running gag.  I don’t think there is a single intelligent person who likes her work.  Her characters are either spineless or creepy and controlling.  Her stories are nothing but vagueries of plot designed to push the love boredom forward.  The stories are blatantly Mormon propaganda.  There is not one redeeming quality about any of these books or films of any kind. They are junk food.  Junk food for the mind.  I figure that these books and movies have to be to girls what Arnold Schwarzeneggar moves are to guys.  But whenever you bad mouth any of them, all the rabid girls come out and yell about how you just don’t get it, it’s a book, don’t take it so seriously, or my personal favorite – you are jealous of Edward (or Jacob)!  Yeah, I’m jealous of a guy who creepily stalks a girl who isn’t even all that pretty.  No thanks.  I save myself for women of character.

But of all the ones on this list, there is no creation with more die-hard fans than this!

1. The Bible
Yeah, this book has such a rabid base of followers that they will kill for it!  I don’t think that any document has justified as much bigotry, misogyny and murder as the Bible has.  The people who buy into this think that it is the perfect word of god, an allegory to true stories with moral lessons, or just a bunch of contradicting bullshit (my position, and most atheists).  But whatever your opinion, the fact is that the Bible is a REALLY boring book with painfully one-dimensional character, boring plots, and statements of what some people take as fact that are so ridiculous that even laughing about them seems counter-intuitive.  But when you do laugh, boy the the christians get mad in a hurry.  I guess that whole “humility” thing just didn’t dawn on them.  The fact is that most of the bible is ripped off from earlier religions, yet they think it’s original.  The story of their greatest savior is a blatant rip-off of the story of Horus, the sun of Osiris from Egyptian mythology.  But hey, keep following it like it is the absolute truth.  People who destroy other people’s rights like in North Carolina have to have some justification, don’t them?

Until next time, a quote,

“I don’t think that very many people would need for me to explain for them why Christian literalists have a negative impact on policy, but I wonder if many Christians have considered the negative impact they’ve had on their own holy book.”  -TJ Kincaid, Christians Ruin The Bible! 

Peace out,

Maverick

Top 10 Most ANNOYING Male Leads

Well, since I did a list about the top ten women who were leads who just plain annoyed me, I thought that I would now put out my list of the male leads who annoy the CRAP out of me!  I hope you enjoy.  I know I didn’t.  I am going to anger a lot of fans here from a lot of popular shows.  Good times.

10. Will Turner
Pirates of the Caribbean
This guy has got to be one of the worst things in cinema history.  I mean, we all watched the Pirates of the Caribbean films for Jack Sparrow, and all the while those films were going on, I just thought that Will was his gay friend.  For real, nothing about him was interesting.  He was put in that movie for the same reason my top picks were put their film series – eye candy.  He was about as emotionally deep as a block of wood.  The only reason he did well as Legolas in Lord of the Rings is because he was right for that role.  Tall, pretty, girlie, that works.  And he had emotional depth because Peter Jackson is a good director.  But here, he is just a pretty boy with about as little personality as possible.  He is also a complete tool.  He is used by his woman, and when he finally does get a personality in the third film, it is kind of too little, too late.  I liked the third film, it’s a guilty pleasure of mine, but yeah, he suck.

9. Quatre Winner
Gundam Wing
You know what sucks about this character – he had a lot going for him.  The idea was interesting.  He is a young man who comes from a family of pacifists, but decides to fight the group OZ anyway.  He throws away his inheritance for this cause, and it is pretty profound.  However, the delivery is AWFUL!  He is such a whiny, whiny, preachy little bitch.  This guy is all about peace and love and all that junk.  It makes for a really boring and really annoying character.  The problem is that he just doesn’t fit the archetype he is supposed to be in.  If it showed more inner turmoil about him selling out his family and his beliefs, that might be more interesting, but as it stands, its really dull.  It is a really good show still, but this character didn’t help.

8. Superman
Superman (I know, Duh)
Okay, where do I start with how annoying this guy is.  It’s my opinion that a good 90% of all comic book films and comic book characters, suck.  Badly.  And here is the greatest example.  Look what this guy stands for – truth, justice, and the American way.  Who talks that way?  This guy is so ANNOYING!  Plus, he’s totally unfair as a hero.  Bullets bounce of the guy, and almost no amount of physical punishment does any significant damage to him.  He is so incredibly cheap.  And think about this – he is the world’s greatest stalker!  He follows Lois Lane everywhere.  He even follows her home and watches her eat!  This dude is not only annoying and cheap, but he’s also a super-creeper.  All in all, this dude just needs to be shot, with a kryptonite bullet.

7. Spiderman
Spiderman (Again, I know, Duh)
Here’s another superhero who just plain sucks.  I have hated every single version that has been introduced.  I hated the old cartoon, I’ve hated the new cartoons, and I hate the film version most of all.  I think part of the problem of why he is so annoying is because of the universe he inhabits.  It’s filled with people who scream AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS FOR NO REASON!  There is only so much screaming that one can take, and let’s face it, there is only so much screaming that people will do in a dangerous situation.  But back to the main character, he is just so annoying.  The idea is that he is a wise-cracking smartass, but he isn’t done well.  In any of the versions that I have seen.  And also, he is the perfect stalker.  Especially the film version.  In the comics and the cartoons, he has to replace his webbing.  It’s a kind of weakness that he has.  In the film, he can theoretically go for as long as his strength holds out.  Meaning that if he wanted to stalk you, he could do so forever.  He literally could be like the fly on your wall.  If that doesn’t creep you out, ladies, nothing will.

6. Reed Richards
The Fantastic Four
Why are there so many heroes on this list, you ask?  Because they are ANNOYING!  So few of them are genuinely interesting.  Most have the most absurd abilities, and they have the most absurd villains.  For case and point, look no further than the Fantastic Four.  These four are so implausible that it is beyond ridiculous.  But to the character, they couldn’t have possibly made such an absurd character more unlikeable.  Reed Richards is the most effeminate hero who has ever lived.  He doesn’t like to really do much of anything, and it never comes up how many incredibly awesome uses for his ability.  But his whole universe is ridiculous, and this character just has all the warmth and charm of spoiled milk.

5. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Here’s another actor who is going to get me a lot of hatemail.  Well you know what?  I don’t care!  I hate this guy.  I have everything he has ever done.  When I was watching Predator, I was rooting for the Predator.  I wanted it to tear his head off!  All the stupid one-liners, all the over the top action.  I don’t get what guys see to like about this dude.  He can’t speak well, he can’t act.  Nothing he has ever done has been even remotely convincing.  It has been like watching a fish try and sing.  It is the worst.  I hate the man, and every single film that he has ever done.  I hope he disappears from film forever.  The reason that I picked him, the actor, instead of a role is because I hate them all equally, it is like listening to a cow try and recite Shakespeare.  It’s the same with David Boreanaz, who you will see in a couple rates.  I would have done Keira Knightley in my companion post to this, but honestly, she has had a couple of roles that actually worked.  But yeah, this Austrian nightmare is the bane of my existence.

4. Tidus
Final Fantasy X
Now, I am putting a video game character on here as a precursor to a post I am going to be doing about the most annoying video game characters, but I thought it was worth mentioning.  Tidus is a bitch.  He is.  He has no redeemable qualities about him.  He isn’t a good leader.  He isn’t particularly strong, or strong-willed.  He has no real talents of any kind.  All he does throughout this entire game is bitch about his predicament in life, his past, his problems with his father, and having to do much of anything.  Even when he finally steps up to become a stronger person, he still is a whiny little bitch.  The only reason this character was even useful to play as was for his speed and Overdrives.  There was nothing to like about this whiny little bitch.  When he died in the end, that was awesome.  Granted, he does come back, and right at the very end was the only time he actually had balls, and accepted death with a great deal of coolness, but that was too little too late.

3. David Boreanaz
Here is another actor who I just cannot stand.  Why?  For the same reason as I don’t like Tidus – he’s a whiny little bitch!  In Buffy, he played the vampire Angel, and the only time he was interesting was when he was evil.  In Bones, he plays an FBI agent who is also a whiny little bitch.  A lot of people will reference the action sequences he is in, but you know what, screw that!  Being able to fight is meaningless when one doesn’t have the balls to back it up.  It’s like adding a ray-gun to a goat.  You can’t make that cool.  A lot of dedicated fan-girls are going to call me out on this, but screw them.  This guy had all the rich emotional texture of a jar of mayonnaise, and I love that Family Guy was able to make fun of him in their Christmas special.  That was a vidicating moment to me.  But yeah, this guy is just the worst.  Well, not the worst, as you can infer from his ranking, but he is pretty bad.

2. Xander Harris
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
This is another instance of Joss Whedon having a lot of good ideas, and a VERY poor delivery.  This was one of what had to be at least six characters who could have been written out of the show and it wouldn’t have made any difference.  This guy was supposed to be the comic relief of the series (one of many), but he really added NOTHING to the series.  He wasn’t a pivotal character in any instance.  He saved the world at the end of season 6, but honestly, I think they just shoe-horned him in there for no reason.  His jokes aren’t funny, he brings no powers or skills of any kind to the table.  Really, this character offered nothing.  And when they gave him a girlfriend who served even less of a role, that just made it worse!  All the cheesy and stupid arguments that happened between the two of them, along with the cheesy dialogue and the cheesy drama.  It was all so annoying.  This guy is definitely one of the worst, and nobody will miss him.

But all of these characters are as nothing compared to what is coming now.  This is a tie for the first spot, and for damn good reason.  Never before have two characters been written who are this annoying.

1. Edward AND Jacob
Twilight (and all the subsequent movies)
It is kind of poetic that Bella was my number 1 pick on the couterpart list to this, and now, here are her two love interests.  Both of these guys couldn’t be more annoying if they tried.  Like Will Turner, they weren’t picked for acting talent (of any kind) or anything else.  It is dead-clear that these two are just eye-candy.  But let’s examine these guys.  Looking at the film version, while he is clingy and a total creeper, it is show that Edward is a total tool of Bella.  He has problems of his own, but Bella is manipulative, bossy, stupid, and a total dumbass in distress.  Those two and their creepy issues almost seem made for one-another.
But as weird and pathetic as Edward is, he is as nothing compared to his counter-part love interest, Jacob.  If Edward is a tool, then Jacob is a garage.  He openly accepts Bella’s manipulation of both of them.  He even accepts that she is using him for intimacy when Edward breaks up with her (yeah, and it was so convincing too).  This guy tries to do right by this girl, never once realizing how pathetic he looks because he accepts that she is using him.  This guy is every stupid jock metaphor in the book.  Edward is every creepy stalker metaphor in the book.  And they are, by leaps and bounds, the most ANNOYING male leads ever.

Until next time, a quote,

“And by god, how can she turn down a guy with no personality who just looks at her weird?”  -Doug Walker, Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress

Peace out,

Maverick

Top Ten Most ANNOYING Female Leads

There have been a lot of good women who had done amazing things with film.  I am a guy, and even I am sometimes entranced by a female lead in a romantic film.  It’s happened.  I loved, and still love Chocolat.  Mostly because of the fact that chocolate and atheism wins over religious stupidity, but hey, there have been worse reasons to love something.  But, the fact is that where there is a really inspiration and really good female lead, there are some awful, and I mean god-awful female leads that just make you want to hang yourself!

Here is my list paying tribute, along with wishing death, for all the female leads who just annoyed the living shit out of me!  And hopefully most of all of you too!

10. Elizabeth Swann
Pirates of the Caribbean
Okay, this is a character who really served no purpose in these films.  In the third film, they tried to make her a kind of badass character, but after having been nothing more than a whiny damsel in distress for the first movie, and just fucking whiny in the second, it was too little, too late.  She brought nothing of any value to the story, and the fact is that she actually took away from the quality of the films.  In the first movie, she was just a romantic who had a kink for pirates.  In the second, she was a back-stabbing bitch, and come the third, not only was she not sorry for her actions, but she manipulates even more people!  She even cheats on her dream guy and then basically says, “I’m a cheating whore, marry me!”  And of course, the dumbass did, even though he saw her cheating on him.  I am not all the much of a fan of Keira Knightley.  She is boring, predictable, and really not good at showing any emotion that wasn’t just grading on your ears.  Here is a character who should have gone down with the ship.

9. Lisa Cuddy
House M.D.
Here is a character who was cast looking for one thing, and what they got was something else altogether.  Cuddy is supposed to be the inevitable love-interest of Greg House, the title character.  It was so obvious that she was going to get with him, but by the time they got there, we really just didn’t care.  She was annoying, really annoying.  Her voice was annoying, her pathetic attempts to look like she cared about what was going on was annoying, and most of what she did the entire series was bitch about pointless junk.  It got really nerve-grating after a while to listen to her whiny tone of voice ragging on House for things that we all knew he was going to do!  She was never all the interesting to watch, and she never left a lasting impression.  All in all, she was a dean of medicine who seemed to be a part of the wallpaper.

8. Irene Adler
Sherlock Holmes (2009)
Now, this incarnation of this character in-particular was so unbelievably annoying.  I have never had any real love for Rachel McAdams.  In this movie, we all found out why.  Not only was she a disgrace to the character that she was meant to portray, but every word that came out of her mouth, along with the pathetic attempts to mess with people just left you feeling like somebody was scratching their nails on a chalkboard.  The character of Irene Adler is supposed to be cool, classy, sexy, smart.  The Adler in this movie sounded like a blonde bimbo who just happened to get lucky in her life.  Nothing about her character ever implied that she had a great deal of intelligence.  Had it not been for Watson saying that she had gotten the better of Holmes, I never would have believed that she would have.  She just seemed to be a whiny hussy who just bitched and got captured a lot.  A disgraceful performance of what is supposed to be a cool character.

7. Asuka Langley Soryu
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Here is another character that I get what they were trying to go for, but the end delivery was just ANNOYING!  She was supposed to play the really gung-ho pilot what was in love with herself, but all that narcissism was just a defense mechanism to hide some really serious self-esteem and mental issues.  She was also supposed to have a love-hate relationship with the main character, Shinji.  On the surface, that all sounds really good.  It all sounds like it would be kind of fun to watch.  But it is the delivery of this character that sinks that boat incredibly fast.  Both the original and the dubbed version are equally annoying.  She whines and bitches about everything.  By the time they finally do decide to develop her, you want to sew her whiny mouth shut and keep hoping that she is going to die.  They did make her compassion towards Shinji look believeable, but that was the only saving grace of a character who was supposed to bring some pretty substantial subjects to the table, and instead brought a prima donna attitude and no substance.

6. Elizabeth Bennet
Pride and Prejudice (2005)
Another role where the delivery is not only a million times different than the source material, but it is also killed by the person playing it.  In the novel, Elizabeth is a smart, clever, witty, charming, but still kind of judgmental woman.  In the BBC miniseries, they captured this rather well.  However, in the film, she is as much of a whiny prima donna as Asuka is.  And the performance of Keira Knightley just makes what was supposed to be a character that we all saw as defying societal norms just seem like a whiny little bitch who should just get with the guy so we can all hear her stop talking.  I know people who just love this performance, but what is there to like about it?  Knightley is just so terrible!  She complains, bitches, never seems to do anything of merit, and never shows any sign of being very smart.  She is just another prima donna who we all want to strangle!

5. Relena Peacecraft
Gundam Wing
Here is a character who brought absolutely nothing to the table.  I mean, I guess that maybe she was supposed to be one of the main male lead’s love interest, but all of the interactions that are had with her hinting at there being an attraction are really just blown away by the fact that she is so annoying!  I compare it to Winry Rockbell in Fullmetal Alchemist.  She was a little annoying, but her attraction to Edward Elric was clear, and while they could have stood to develop it more, you got very strong indications that she cared about him, probably even was in love with him.  It added to the story.  Relena, on the other hand, isn’t a whiny prima donna, she is just pouty.  She is always crying about peace.  Peace this, and peace that.  It took away from the greater tragedies that were unfolding in the series when we had to go and listen to her talk about how great peace is, and how bad war is.  She never looks at the greater societal issues, or examines what gets us to fighting, just talks about how fighting never solves anything, which is bullshit.  She could have been erased from the show, and it wouldn’t have been much of a loss.  Peace never got her anywhere but in trouble, only to be another dumbass in distress.

4. Faye Valentine
Cowboy Bebop
Here is a character who I am actually a little torn about.  Granted, she is on this list because she REALLY annoys, but there were times when she actually brought something to the table, and she was kind of cool to watch sometimes.  But she was annoying.  From the moment she gets with the crew of the Bebop, she is a whiny prima donna who does nothing but rob them, then comes back to them later and basically gets not attacks or even having them angry at her.  The crew treats her like an annoying house guest, even when she steals from them, attacks them, vandalizes their property, cheats them out of money, and at one point tries to kill them.  The lack of aggressive response to her actions is just nerve grating, and after a while, you really start to wish some serious death upon her person.  Add to that the fact that she is hardly developed at all.  One could make the same argument about Ed, but she is a teenager.  Not a lot of development is needed, because she is young, and she played her role rather well.  With Faye, she was just an annoyance who helped with the plot every now and again.  I would have blown her brains out, but that’s just me.

3. Willow Rosenberg (early in the series)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Now, I think it is really important to point out that this character became a hell of a lot cooler later in the series, when she got some real power, and some real dilemmas.  But when it started, she was just the nerdy and annoying friend of the annoying title character.  Honestly, I was tempted to put Buffy on here, because she is really a pain in the ass, but the fact is that while Buffy was annoying, she actually served a purpose.  For the first three seasons (well, up until close to the end of the third), all Willow did was get in trouble, and get saved.  She had no skills, no talents, no real use for anything.  For that matter, neither did Xander, but he’s a guy, and we’re talking about the ladies.  You can bet that when I do the male equivalent, he will be on that list.  But for the most part, up until the fourth season, she just kind of got on my nerves.  This show kind of sucked until the third season, when it got a pretty badass villain, and it actually took itself serious.  Joss Whedon had a bad habit of making shows that are great on paper, but the delivery is crap.  He’s a good writer, but a lot of his shows suck.  Go figure.  And annoying characters like Willow didn’t help.  If you want to see the really good parts with her in it, watch when she is evil at the end of the sixth season.  I really wish that had gone more of somewhere, but oh well.

2. Rita Bennett
Dexter
I don’t think that anybody liked this character.  I think Julie Benz is a terrible actress.  She has butchered every single performance that she has ever done, and this one was the worst!  In this series, you get to see why she is such a terrible actress, and why this character is just so awful!  She is manipulative, a complete prima donna, whiny, bitchy, and whenever she doesn’t get her way, she treats everybody (including her own children), like shit.  I get the idea, that she was supposed to be Dexter’s connection with his decency, but he never seemed to particularly care, and the audience hated her.  The best moment in the show was the one where she died!  I remember all my friends and I cheering!  We started drunken song at the death of Rita.  She brought nothing of substance to the series, and the performance was just awful.  Love the show, hate the girl.  It is good that she died.  Ironically, every single aspect got better with her death, even her annoying kids!

And the number one leading lady who just annoying the living shit out of every single person is…

1. Bella Swan
Twilight
I’ve already covered the pathetic, whiny, spineless, and boring character from the books.  Here, I am going to focus on the character in the films.  There has never been in teenage cinema a character more selfish, dependent, uncaring, manipulative, narcissitic, pretentious, stupid, and whiny little bitch before!  The worst part about all of the horrible qualities of her character is that it wasn’t intentional.  They wanted Bella to represent any teenage girl.  But that isn’t what happened.  She’s the real vampire of this series.  She doesn’t have a single problem in the world, yet bitches about how tortured she is.  She gets a crush on a guy, and at 17 decides that she is in love and wants to marry him.  Yes, because we all know exactly what we are supposed to do at 17, right?  Wrong!  When the loser boyfriend Edward dumps her in order to save her, she then manipulates him by putting her life in danger, over and over, just so he’ll notice her.  Manipulative much, bitch?!  She jumps off a cliff to get his attention!  Not only that, but it is a horrible lesson to give to the dimwitted throng of teenage girls who admire this shit.
And when Jacob, a guy who actually seems to care about her and want to take care of her gets involved, she dumps him for the guy who treated her like shit, just so she could use him!  A war starts all because of her, and when all these people are fighting to protect her, she doesn’t care!  She doesn’t give a shit!  And when she finally pressures Edward into marrying her, she then fucks around with Jacob!  And this wasn’t the first time she cheated on her guy with him.  This girl is not only scum, she’s a slut!  What do girls like about her?  She isn’t a hero, she’s a villain.  And she is a horrible lesson to give to teenage girls about what a teen girl is supposed to be.  Mothers, tell your daughters to avoid these films, and the books too, at all costs.  They are fucking dumb!

Until next time, a quote,

“Alice. You’ve disappeared. Like everything else. Now who else can I talk to? I’m lost. When you left, and he left, you took everything with you. But the absence of him is everywhere I look. It’s like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. But In a way, I’m glad. The pain is the only reminder that he was real. That you all were.”  -Bella Swan

Peace out,

Maverick

Twilight Fans are a lot like Ron Paulites

So, I have gotten to view two groups of people, and I must say, this observation period has been interesting.  The first group of people are the Ron Paulites.  They are members of the Cult of Ron Paul (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYaujnR_8NE&feature=colike).  These are people who believe that Ron Paul is the glorious savior of America, and how he is some kind of glorious messiah character, and how he is going to make everything all better.  The next group are the Twilight series fans (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8gpHK5orJQ&feature=colike).  These are people who believe that the Twilight books are all wonderful and beautiful, and how they are so poignant and deep.  They also love the films too.

I have observed and almost eerie creepy devotion that these people have to these two characters.  For real, check out the videos above, specifically the Comments section.  The supporters come out of the woodwork, giving thumbs-down and massive amounts of lambasting to both the vloggers who talked about both of these groups.  The guy attacking Ron Paul, my favorite vlogger, TJ Kincaid, pointed out that absolute truth – that while Ron Paul has a couple of good ideas, he has some incredibly bad ones, and whenever you call him to task on it, his supporters will attack you without remorse.

Laci Green attacked Twilight in her video, pointing out that Edward was an abusive asshole, and Bella was a complete doormat.  The abusive relationship between the two of them is something that a Mormon moron endorsed, without thinking that the media that young girls take in affects them.  Any media that anybody takes in affects them.  Of course, since Stephanie Meyer is a Mormon, maybe that is what she wants.  The Mormon faith is scum anyway.

It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy how quickly the apologetics came out and defended this.  And what I find interesting is that the tactics that both sides used were almost the same!  Both sides accused both vloggers of taking things out of context.  They accused them of not being fair to their respective heroes.  They accused them of not giving them a chance.  It is almost eerie how similar the arguments were, at their core.

See, with both groups, the people who are so massively in support of them seem to wear blinders.  They see only what they want to see, and to hell with everything else.  The Paulites will see Ron Paul talking about liberty and freedom, while ignoring that his economic ideas (like bringing back the Gold Standard) would bring our nation to ruin, and he basically wants to strip women of their reproductive rights.  And the Twilight fans will totally ignore the fact that Edward was clearly and abuser and say that he loved her.  Yes, because love always made abuse, acceptable, right?

This is so humorous, because it shows you that the more things change, the more they stay the same.  These two groups both have a fanbase that is so loyal that any statements that they don’t agree with, they just put out of their minds.  It is funny, and tragic at the same time, because it is kind of making the point that people are weak.  That isn’t something that we should be talking about.  Not really.

Oh well, in the end, that is how it goes.  Funny, no?

Until next time, a quote,

“…And is essentially ‘it’s a life!  Can’t you all people see it’s a life?!’  Yeah, the same argument that’s been made by literally every pro-lifer since pro-lifers began, but now, because Ron Paul said it, ‘That’s very persuasive!  Yeah, I see what he’s getting at!’”  -TJ Kincaid, CULT of Ron Paul

Peace out,

Maverick

The Twilight Generation

I was originally planning on doing my top ten anti-heroes list today, but I just decided that I would talk about something that has really been getting under my skin lately.  It isn’t a mystery that I HATE Twilight.  There is no book or film series that I despise more.  This series glorifies everything that I think is wrong with relationships, and especially what I think is wrong with religion.  It is openly and pathetically blunt about it’s message – that men control women, and women should just do what man says.  Don’t believe me?  Well too bad, it is all over the text.  It is in both the books and the films.  It is in the books much more, and describes it more vividly.  I figure I’ll throw in some dialogue here and there, just for fun.

It just makes no sense to me where the love of this series come from.  I have a cousin, whose opinion I value more than most anybody else, who likes this series.  I don’t get it!  First, let’s examine the main character – Bella Swan.  Bella is a quiet, submissive, irrational, and overall spineless character.  This is what the Mormon faith wants all their women to be.  The books talks about her being smart, but you never, ever, see any evidence of this.  In fact, her impulsiveness kinds of rules her.  She moves in with her dad, and immediately takes over all the household chores.

He seemed to feel awkward standing in the kitchen doing nothing.  He lumbered into the living room to watch TV while I worked.  We were both more comfortable that way.  I made a salad while the steaks cooked, and set the table.

Yeah, very subtle.  Bella also said to people that doing all of this was “her place.”  I’m not shitting you, that’s how the book puts it.  But let’s go onto the piece de resistance of this diatripe – the love between Bella and Edward.

There has always been a love of the darkness of vampires.  Anne Rice captured this very well in her books.  The darkness of the creature does have an allure.  However, Stephanie Meyer capitalized on this and created Edward Cullen.  The worst boyfriend in the history of bad and sparkly boyfriends.  Of course, Bella does whatever Edward tells her to do.

Drink,” he ordered.  I sipped at my soda obediently

Hey ladies, how many of you love guys ordering you to do things?  You think this is an isolated incident?  Oh no, no-no, it is but one of many instances where he has the need to control Bella.  And Bella really isn’t much better.  There is page after page after page of dialogue about how much she needs Edward, how much Edward is her world, how much everything in her life revolves around him.  It borders on a little bit scary how dependent she is on this guy!  She sells out her social life for him, her family for him, everything in her life for this guy.  This is like every single abusive relationship that is ever seen.  Seriously, ladies, know a friend who has a boyfriend that you know is bad news, but won’t listen to you when you want to talk about it?  Well, meet Bella Swan.

And Edward really rewards this dedication.  He has total control over her life.  He frequently gets verbally abusive with her.  There is even a section in the book when, after they have sex for the first time, she wakes up covered in bruises, and the first thing that she does is ask Edward what she did wrong.  What the fuck?!  No, ladies, you don’t do that.  You pack up your shit and say, “fuck you, asshole, I deserve better than this!”  But of course, it goes on and on.  Another scene, in both the book and the movie, talks about how Edward is infinitely stronger and faster than Bella.  He says, flat-out, that she wouldn’t be able to stop him if he were to attack her.  I love that.  It openly admits that he is an abusive asshole, but all the teen and tween girls fawn and gush.  It’s pathetic.

As socially corrosive as Twilight is on women, it isn’t much better on men.  It tells guys that they need to be as controlling as possible.  Edward controls almost every single aspect of Bella’s life.  He doesn’t let her drive, he tells her what she can and cannot do when they are in bed (yeah, because that always works so well, doesn’t it?), he pretty much openly stalks her, along with watching her sleep.  One could argue that he makes her be isolated from her friends and family.  I don’t argue that.  I actually take the position that it is the lack of a spine from Bella that does that.  She chooses to abandon her family and friends.  It actually makes more sense.  In an abusive relationship, the abused often will choose to isolate themselves, because they blame themselves.

I am too plain and boring for Edward, I don’t deserve him.”

Another really problematic thing is that Edward is threatening Bella all the TIME!  He dresses it up as his “vampiric nature,” but the fact is that Edward is verbally and physically abusive to Bella.  It is never shown, but heavily implied, that this abuse happens rather frequently.  She is regularly sporting cuts and bruises from his beatings that are never shown, but the evidence is all there.  She will regularly keep her head down and say nothing to him.  Her subservience to Edward is beyond pathetic.  But worst of all, he is in a constant battle not to kill her, and here’s the kicker – he blames her!  He blames the fact that she smells good on why he wants to kill her.  This is just plain creepy!  Oh, and here’s another example of him being an abusive boyfriend – he uses his presence to intimidate and drive off all of her other male suitors.

 I fell down the stairs and into a window”

You know what happens in an abusive relationship when the abuser really does something bad?  There is this brief honeymoon period when he tries to make it up, promising how he’ll never do it again.  We see this in Twilight too.  Also like in real life, the periods get shorter and shorter, as eventually, the abuser realizes that their power is complete, and anything they do will be tolerated.  Edward buys Bella pretty things when he hurts her, or plays piano (stupidest scene in the film).

And what about Jacob?  I hear that a lot.  Well, guess what – Jacob sexually assaults Bella!  And here’s another kicker – she blames herself!  What the hell is wrong with this spineless chick?!

He still had my chin, his fingers holding too tight, till it hurt.  “N-” I started to object, but it was too late.  His lips crushed mine, stopping my protest.  He kissed me angrily, roughly…making escape impossible.  I shoved against his chest, but he didn’t even seem to notice.  I grabbed at his fact, trying to push him away, failing again.  He seemed to notice this time and it aggravated him.  His lips forced mine open, I could feel his hot breath.

Wow, ain’t he a sweetheart?  What makes it worse is that Bella never once stands up to him.  She accepts this sexual violence.  She says that it is how Jacob expresses himself sexually.  The fact is that this book is socially corrosive.  And here is what is pissing me off – young girls, vulernable young girls are taking their cues from this horseshit!  They are looking at this relationship and are thinking that this is what they are supposed to aspire too.  It is socially corrosive bullshit and it fucking pisses me off!  We’re supposed to teach our girls to be strong, independent, tough.  Instead, this Mormon cunt is teaching them that they are supposed to be weak, childish, pathetic.

What your culture produces, and what you take in, affects who you are.  Is this the kind of generation that we want our girls to be?  Parents, step up, and please, stop the abusive culture.  This is what the Mormon culture teaches, I’m sorry to say.  Take a look at a big Mormon family, and this is what you find.  This book series is my ultimate example of why I hate the Mormon faith, and everybody who believes it is so bad.  It was started on abuse.  Poetic that a mediocre author continues it.

Until next time, a quote,

“One of the main ways we learn about how a relationship looks is from the media we consume.  From books and TV and movies, processing those messages, 24 hours, seven days a week, whether or not we realize it.  Stephanie Meyer, shame on her, has written a story promoting a certain kind of harmful relationship.”  -Laci Green, DANGEROUS ROLE MODELS: TWILIGHT

Peace out,

Maverick