So, a couple of nights ago, a friend of mine came to me, and we were both kind of depressed. We wanted to see something that would lighten our spirits. We had been out drinking a bit, before this, so we were a little tipsy, but I saw on her phone that the new Twilight movie was out. I just knew, going to see that, that this was going to be fun. I have loved almost all of these movies, specifically for how bad they are. The terrible special effects, the atrocious dialogue, the absolute lack of chemistry to ANY of the romantic relationships, and a story so bad that it is legendary among both literature AND film buffs. This series will go down in history for how bad it is. Stephenie Meyer will go down in history as an author who created something that not only spits on her and her religion, but the very idea of love itself! This woman should be proud. Her creation will go down in history…for how much it sucks! That should make any author proud.
But, we decide to go see this movie. Now, we sit down, and are forced to watch preview for every crappy film that is going to come out in the next year or so. For real, not one fun preview in the whole lot. There were all these girls, and their boyfriends, who looked miserable, having been dragged there because they don’t want to lose access to their girlfriend’s love-rug (which, given that Twilight is a metaphor for abstinence, that is kind of funny) in the audience. The guys couldn’t have possibly looked less happy. This was who we wanted to see this with.
So, the film picks up where the previous film left off. They have this kid. But, since the people who made this movie were too fucking stupid to pay some poor woman like a couple hundred buck to borrow her baby for 10 scenes, they made the baby entirely CG. And the kid was fucking creepy! I haven’t seen a CG effect this gross since the baby in Final Fantasy X-2! This baby effect was so bad! It was such a great start to such an awful movie. This kid grows up like unbelievably fast. And Jacob, who used to be the only likeable character in the previous films, becomes a creepy pedophile in this movie. Like, no joke, it’s disturbing as fuck. He takes the kid away, for reasons you don’t care about. He brings the kid back, and because the kid imprinted on him, and he asks Edward, “So, should I call you ‘Dad?’” That was the creepiest thing ever! I mean, that’s like pedo-bear (or in this case, pedo-wolf), sex offender registry sort of stuff. This guy should have a restraining order against him. It’s that bad.
Oh, and another thing – Bella’s a vampire now! And, something that wasn’t in the previous films – she has super-powers. They all do. Vampires are now superheroes. Why? No explanation. There is literally this group of vampires who are like the vampire Fantastic Four. They can control water, air, fire, earth. I swear, it’s like ripping off The Last Airbender (not the series that that movie was made off of. I wouldn’t dare compare the two). And Bella is The Invisible Woman, able to make shields, and she also can fly, and she’s The Flash. It’s so ridiculous.
But the best part of this movie, by far, by leaps and epic bounds, is the villain. Michael Sheen plays the gayest villain of ALL TIME! This guy was so over-the-top and hammy and epically gay that it was a joy to watch. I was so happy watching every moment of this character and his black-robed vampire Illuminati group. These people were great. Every time this character had any time on screen, my friend and I were cracking up. And all these girls were looking at us like they didn’t get the joke. What’s not to get?! This guy’s hilarious! I half-expected him to just bend one of these guys over a table and start butt-fucking them. He was that gay. The queen behavior was at 10 in this movie. I swear, The Birdcage could take lesson on being gay from this character. This was so much fun. It made paying for this movie that much better. And even if we hadn’t been a little drunk, it still would have been funny.
Anyway, because I don’t want to explain the plot (because you don’t care, as you shouldn’t), I will just give some of the highlights of this movie. The first is that the main characters go all over the world, and sometimes, the people of the world come to them, and it’s ethnic stereotype jambalaya. I mean, we’re talking George Lucas levels of racism. It was amazing to watch. They didn’t miss a single note. I half-expected, when they went to Africa, for there to be the bone-in-the-nose character. But sadly, they didn’t have that ethnic stereotype. The only time they decide not to be racist, and it’s then. Damn screen-play writers.
But by far, the most amazing part of this film, was close to the end. They black-robed vampire Illuminati are going to fight it out with Bella and Edward and the Cullens and their Werewolf buddies, and Jacob (the pedophile), and the vampire Illuminati brought their Fantastic Four. They have this girl who can show you the future trying to stop this, but super-gay Illuminati vampire basically just says that they were going to fight, no matter what. And here’s the crazy thing – this is a REALLY epic fight! I loved this battle! The two sides charge each other. They got the operatic music of death! It’s totally badass fight scene between them! This was kind of awesome. I was getting into this. Head and body parts go flying. Finally, Bella and Edward rip the head off of super-gay vampire, and they pick it up, and Bella goes all badass and lights her fist on fist on fire and is about to cook the severed head of Michael Sheen’s character, when all the sudden – flash back! It was all a dream!
WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK?! A dream?! Are you fucking kidding me?! That was the only time in my entire life, that was I was screaming at a movie. My friend and I threw our snack boxes and soda cups at the screen, going “BOO! BOOOO!” The rest of the theater was laughing at how dumb this was. The cheapest cop-out in cinema history, and all to keep the super-nice lovey-dovey bullshit message of no violence, so that teen girls don’t have to be exposed to anything fun. This was the worst! The absolute worst.
These movies and books should be put into a time capsule. Because they so immortalize this belief about teenage girls – that they are dumb, ignorant, asexual, totally religious creatures who have no sexual desire, it’s only men, and men should feel bad about it. Stephanie Meyer has created a series that will be mocked by people for ages to come. This woman is a miracle of writers. She has created a series that can be mocked by everybody for how stupid it is. This movie was ridiculous, over-the-top, intellectually bankrupt, and I loved every minute of it. I would and will probably see this movie again, with friends, on bad movie night, with lots of drinks.
Watch this movie, and see for yourself.
So, the final verdict is hard for this movie. On the one hand, I love watching it. On the other, this movie is a piece of shit. So, how to rate this? Well, I think I’ll have two ratings -
Final Verdict for film quality:
1 out of 10 – What the Fuck?!
Final Verdict for my experience -
8 out of 10 – So much fun to laugh at!
See this movie, and get in to the fun!