My last post talked about the films made about superheroes that were good, of which they are incredibly few and far between. Now we are going to talk about the ones that just make you wish they would stop making these kinds of movies. FOREVER! Some of these are so awful that it is outright offensive to talk about in polite company. And we’re about to talk about them, so if you are polite company, stay tuned. You’ll like this. All of this said, here goes a dive into the limits of our nerves.
Now, I put this movie on the list because honestly, I don’t think that this was that bad of a movie. I actually think that this film was decent. The character were nothing to call the Oscar’s about, but they were decently done. I didn’t like Jennifer Garner as Elektra (and don’t worry, she’ll be coming back later!), and the final fight sequence was a little bit of a fail, but all in all, this was a movie that wasn’t overly terrible. It was pretty much Nightwing, except that he’s blind. I don’t hate this movie. The reason that I put it on here is to put down some framework about where a LOT of the films on this list went wrong – having a decent premise, and a lackluster (or sometimes god-awful) delivery. But yeah, I don’t think it was so bad, just a little boring.
9. Spiderman 2
The really tragic thing is that the character of Spiderman could be fun. If the actor portraying him was anything like the comic-book character, that is. In the comics, Spiderman is a wise-ass douchebag, who kind of only seems to be into the hero gig because he can be. In this movie, on the other hand, they try to make him seem tortured, deep, and in the process, turn him into a royal pain in the ass! I hate this guy! The acting is so bad. The plot is so dull. Everything about it says that this was cooked up solely to have fun with digital effects and to make money off of the comic book fans. But you know what really killed this for me? The screaming. The endless amount of screaming that every fucking woman had to do every single time anything happened. I could have handled the cliche lines, the cliche characters, the boring plot. All of that would have been totally cool except that the women of this movie, always women, screamed their heads off every few minutes! Sexist and annoying, I hate this movie!
8. X-Men: The Last Stand
When I saw the ending for X2, I was so unbelievably stoked. I thought that they were going to actually do the Dark Phoenix story arc. If they had, this would have been awesome. I refer you to the point at 10. This was a cool premise that was set up. Anybody who knows comic books knows that the Dark Phoenix saga is awesome. It’s dark, bloody, and totally insane. If they had run with that, they would have had a cool movie. Instead, they had the Phoenix in the middle of another completely different story, ruining the ending of the previous film, and boring the rest of us because you could almost tell how little of a crap this film gave. But all that aside, it was just a boring movie. The fight sequences were long, overdone, and had no emotional depth to them. The plot had potential, but under-delivered. Nothing about this movie was good. Not one thing.
See, told you that we would be coming back to this. Here is yet-another film where the premise was cool, but the delivery was crap. Elektra was a hero who tended to work like The Punisher. Kill first, ask questions later. It was a fun concept. She has the second-highest body count to her name in the world of Marvel comics. And that’s cool. If they followed the line of thinking, making her the same blood-soaked (metaphorically speaking) killer that her source material said, it would be cool. What did we get instead? We got a totally blood-less PG-13 martial arts movie, with special effects that are totally and completely laughable. Jennifer Garner also doesn’t fit in any way her comic counter-part. I give that she was a sexual character, as you can see she was made to look hot, but still, it is worth putting some actual effort to make her into an interesting character too, which they didn’t do. This was a film where I was just bored. From start to finish, bored. Not one point interested me, or really made me care. Not only that, but they didn’t even sexy her up in this movie, which seems especially dull. If you’re going to appeal to the lowest common denominator, put her in a thong!
6. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
There are not words to describe how stupid this movie was. in X2, when you see the back-story of Wolverine, it’s dark, twisted, and even pretty bloody. And it should be. And it was! Wolverine was a dark character, and while he wasn’t a psycho killer, he did have a pretty impressive body count on him. This character’s back-story was supposed to make you feel a little unnerved by what happened, and what brought him to the point of being a really unpleasant character in the future. It was also supposed to show the tragedy of the fact that this man could potentially live forever, because he will forever regenerate. Like Jean Gray said – there’s no way that they could tell how old he is. So, what did we get? Another totally bloodless action film. It also dragged another comic-book hero through the mud – Deadpool. In the comics, he is yet-another psycho killer who has a very high body count to his name. He is also tortured because he has the same ability as Wolverine, but is cursed to also have cancer, which means that the cancer is eating him alive, while he is regenerating the damage. It makes him tragic. Here, Ryan Renolds butchers him and makes him boring beyond belief. All in all, they did NOTHING right.
5. Superman. Just, everything having to do with this guy
I hate this hero. I hate him so much. I hate every single movie that has ever been done with this character. Aside from Thor, this is the cheapest hero in the history of heroes. For real, no amount of beating on him seems to do anything. He can literally block bullets with his eyes. Explosions do no superficial damage. I hate this hero. Plus, he is so cliche just from the outset. I mean, when you are hearing things like – “Truth, Justice, and the American way!” it makes you want to die a litte bit inside. And I did. I have died from having to listen to Superman’s dialogue. This hero’s only cool moments were when he was squaring off against Batman, who also has little to no respect for him. That was fun. But other than that, I hate this hero so incredibly much, and if he were to die, I wouldn’t miss him.
4. Ghost Rider
Yet-again, cool premise, awful delivery. When I heard that they were making a film version of Ghost Rider, I had a lot of images in my head. Were they going to do the cool thing, and having him actually fight hardcore crazy-looking demons? Would he be fighting it out in Hell a little, like Constantine? Would there be some crazy powers involved that make this creepy and awesome at the same time?! Nope. None of that. Instead, we get Nicholas Cage doing another of this soup-dejour of shit roles. I hate and love Nic Cage. He stars in some of the stupidest movies that I have ever seen, while then staring in some of the coolest movies that I have ever seen, like Lord of War. Here, he was not only pretentious and boring, but he had some of the dumbest one-liners ever. And even the action in this movie was boring! They could have gone most anywhere with this. This could have been one dark and twisted movie, and instead, we got a bunch of totally lackluster fights, and a climax battle that literally made me laugh in the theatre. I hate this move, and you should too.
3. The Green Lantern
Why did they make this into a movie? For real, this has got to be the most boring hero ever. The people who were making this movie seemed to know that too, because they drowned us in special effects, hoping that that would cancel out how stupid this movie is. The characters were beyond boring, even for a cast as literally colorful as this. The hero was even stupider. His only power is a ring. That’s it. Just a ring that makes him able to create stuff. But to use it, he has to say one of the stupidest lines in the history of any cinema. I will give this movie some credit that it was able to make fun of itself, which is something that you don’t see much of these days, but to be honest, that was little consolation when you see Ryan Renolds once-again playing a superhero who is boring to beyond the max. A movie that had little to nothing go for it, at all, ever.
2. Fantastic Four
Another comic that I have NO idea why they made it into a movie. This has got to be one of the most pretentious movies that I have ever seen. Every single one of these characters is so cliche, with the most cliche one-liners ever, that it illicits a little bit of my gag-reflex. That and they aren’t even interesting. Not one of them is interesting in the slightest. Even Chris Evans, who I have a great deal of respect for from “Push,” was boring. I watched this movie stone-faced, wondering when the boring action sequences were going to come along. And really, even those were dull. They were quick, boring, and when they were done, left no impact whatsoever. I hate these movies. The first one was boring, and the second made me feel bad for Lawrence Fishburne, who lent his voice to that piece of shit. This was a boring comic, and made for an even more boring movie. Don’t see it, at all costs!
But you know, as boring, stupid, or outright ridiculous as all of these movies are, they are as nothing compared to the post at #1.
1. Joel Schumacher’s Batman movies
I hate these films so much. There has never been a film that shits more on the source material that these. Not only were these films boring, but the characters in them are hated not only by me, but the entire internet. The villains are by far the worst part. The first one I will talk about (and these are not in order, for a reason) is Mr. Freeze. The Animated Series gave him an entirely new look and personality. In that, he was dark, almost Shakespearian in his tragedy. There is genuine sadness to his plight. In the movie, he is a wise-cracking dumbass who makes stupid pun after stupid pun about ice. And I won’t even get into the others, because they are equally stupid.
No, the ones I want to really talk about are The Riddler and Two-Face from Batman Forever. I hate these characters so much. First, there is the Riddler, played by Jim Carrey. In this movie, he is a total man-child, who is robbed of all the suave sophistication that the villain I love so much has. The Riddler is one of my favorite villains. This movie raped this character. Then there is Two-Face, played by Tommy Lee Jones. The tragedy is that I could actually see Jones playing this character, in a much more serious role. He is a damn good actor, and he would have done well here. Same with Jim Carrey. I don’t blame the actors for this, I blame Schumacher. But these movies suck so bad. They rape the characters, and they take away from the dark plot, and return it to the same stupid level of crap that the original show with Adam West had.
I am starting to think it is time for the comic book films to go. They are really sucking, and I am getting so bored with them. There are the good ones, but those are just a small consolation to the amount of shit ones that there are.
Until next time, a quote,
“Your entrance was good. His was better.” -Edward Nigma, Batman Forever