Happy Single Awareness Day!

Well, it’s that time of year again.  That time when everyone is absolutely buzzing!  The world buzzes to the beat of a special drum.  The drum that has made our species as numerous as it is!

No, wait, that’s sex.  My bad…

But according to so many, this is the most amazing day of the year!  When selfish expression and cheesy gimmicks dominate the land.  Where the most shallow part of our culture can be enraptured in how much they can milk this holiday for what its worth.  Unless, of course, you are one of a very unique…oh, fuck it, they’re not unique.  They’re overwhelming.  The single people.

See, this holiday was inappropriately named.  Instead of being named after a Catholic saint that your lazy asses don’t know a thing about, I have decided to instead give this holiday a much more fitting name.  I was thinking – Single Awareness Day.

Cause you see, while the romantic couples are out there, making a big to-do about how awesome this holiday is (or girls who are not in a relationship, but are hot enough to know that they are going to get sex), for those of you who are not in a relationship, there will be a number of reactions to situations that you are going to have.

For starters, there are the girls who complain about how men are all jerks.  Most of these girls will pass up perfectly nice guys, having put them in that illustrious place that almost all men are familiar with – the friend zone.  Ah yes, the friend zone.  A place where a girl pretty much says, “I like you, but you aren’t enough of a jerk for me to date, because I will need you after I have been hurt by said jerk, to cry to about how their are not more nice guys like you.”  It’s an ugly cycle, and one that you will never escape.  I wish you luck.

Then there is the playtoy.  This is another kind of nice guy who is used and thrown away by a woman who claims to care about them, but will abandon them the moment that they find somebody who is far more suiting to their own personal darkness.  Of course, when this person is no longer to their liking, they will come back to you, because they know that you will go back to them.  It’s a miserably pathetic existence, but we have all had to be there at some point.

Then there is the person who gets to see his ex be with some guy or girl that she/he left them for, and see how happy that person.  Almost like the idea is to rub it in.  Like they haven’t poured enough salt in the wound, and now you get to have more fun at your expense.  Isn’t that nice?

All these groups of people get the raw end of the deal, but now let’s talk about those who aren’t a member of the party for whom I have changed the name of this holiday for.  For you, there is a VERY fruitful future ahead of you, filled with chocolate, roses and cheesy cards.  These facile expressions that they will claim they love so much, when the truth is that most of them would probably just like a nice hug and for you to tell them how much you love them.  But hey, we all gotta embrace that shallow culture, right?

And speaking of shallow culture, then there’s the people who think that jewelry and extravagant gifts are the way to express your love.  Because after all, no woman knows what love is without you going into debt, right?  As the ad says -

Every kiss begins with Kay.

Yeah, and every divorce begins with Jack Daniels.

Oh, and while we’re on that subject, there is a final group of people who I think we should take some time to recognize – the people who get dumped on Single Awareness Day!  For real, do you think the suicide rate goes up on Single Awareness Day?  Well, let’s be nice.  How about for a week or so afterwards?  But yeah, these people get to be one of the most ashamed class of people in the world – those who have to return Single Awareness Day jewelry that they saved their hard-earned money for.  For real, do you think there is anything more humiliating than having to return jewelry that you bought for your loved one?  Well, maybe having to return an engagement or wedding ring.  Still, we need to keep these people in our thoughts, because they are going to be considering the Kurt Cobain approach to life…or death.

But in all seriousness, fuck Valentine’s Day.  That is all.

In a surprising turn, however, and until next time, a quote, (and this is from the heart)

“So, before I get too down to it, I’d like to offer you a piece of advice – if you’re fortunate enough to have somebody who you like enough to share Valentine’s Day with, do something special for that person.  Even if it’s something small.  Don’t forget that something small can produce a reaction much bigger than even the thought itself.  And don’t forget that doing something small for somebody that’s really worth it sure beats the hell out of whatever you were normally doing for that day.”  -Neal Wilcott, F*ck Valentines Day! 

Peace out,

Maverick

Top 10 Things I Liked About Christmas

Well, in lieu of a blog about Christmas itself, I thought that this year’s Christmas blog would be about something different – the things I like most about Christmas.  It is by far my favorite holiday.  Or rather, it was.  It was a holiday that I loved so much.  But this year, for the first time, I genuinely don’t give a shit.  This is the first year that it couldn’t matter to me less that it is Christmas.  I don’t feel anything for this holiday.  We’ll get into why in a minute.  But first, here are the top 10 reasons that I used to love this holiday.  And this makes it all the harder that this year, I couldn’t care less.

10. Ornaments
Oh how I have always loved putting up the Christmas tree.  This is the first year that I had no part in it.  I had to get back to the dorms because of work and final projects.  It was so hectic that I genuinely felt overwhelmed at times.  But one of my favorite parts about this holiday was putting up the Christmas tree and figuring out where the best spots were for everything.  It was so tedious, yet so enjoyable.  I always loved it.  And once it was all done, they looked so beautiful.  I truly do regret not getting to help put up the tree this year.  I would have done that part long before this holiday went to shit for me.

9. My Cat
One of the things that has been hardest about living at the dorms was that I couldn’t be around my cat, Lizzy.  I do so love that little beast.  She’s a whiny, angry little puss, who only loves me.  She treats everybody else like yesterday’s trash, except for me.  I remember when I first got the little devil.  She was climbing up the cage wall at the pet store.  She looked at me like “get me the fuck out of here!”  I knew from that moment that her and I were going to be best friends.  She’s getting old.  That makes me sad.  If she dies, then I am that much more alone.  She’s one of the few things I can depend on always being there for me.  Unlike the person who threw my friendship in the trash recently, and didn’t even look back.  I love that cat so much.  So incredibly much.

8. Snow (when I don’t have to drive in it)
Having lived in the most northern state in the Union, I have had to live with snow every winter.  And when I don’t have to drive in it, it is beautiful.  It’s a beautiful thing to see.  Of course, it turns the roads into a dangerous mess, and it seems like every year, every dumb shit in my part of the world forgets how to drive in it.  Like the summer was so long that they forgot that winter exists.  Dumb bastards.  But I do love watching it fall, if I know that I don’t have anywhere that I need to be in the next few days.  Very, very beautiful.

7. My Favorite Christmas Specials
It kills me that I forgot my movie collection at the dorms, because I could use a good Christmas special right now.  I linked my Top 10 Christmas Specials blog after the number.  Check it out, if you want to know what tickles my holiday buttons.  Some of them might not make much sense to you, but I still think they are beautiful.  I’m one of those weird people who has my own little quirks, but it’s all good.  I get to have fun, and that’s what matters.  Well, I did.  After losing a friendship that meant so much to me, because of a person I never met, then I just stopped caring.  Still, I hope that you all were able to find that little Christmas film that makes you feel all warm inside.  I envy you for being able to feel that way.

6. People actually being nice!
For real, have you ever noticed that even the biggest asshole in the universe turns into one of the sweetest people the moment that this time of year comes around?  I wish that some people I knew were like that.  Then, I wouldn’t be sitting here, crying while listening to Christmas music on the radio, feeling like shit.  I kept hoping that the spiked eggnog (one of the few kinds of booze I will actually drink) would dull the pain.  But it doesn’t.  She left my life, and right when I was hoping to see her the most.  I think she did that on purpose.  But it does feel good when you can get that person who is a dick the rest of the year, but then you see them in a Christmas tree sweater, and they are actually smiling.  Alas, my work-mates at my job didn’t get that.  My smile is such a rare occurrence these days that I think the people at my job would be shocked if they ever saw it.  I don’t have a reason to smile.

5. Presents (duh)
Yeah, kind of a given that I would be big on this one.  Who isn’t?  Who doesn’t love to get presents under the tree?  Ironically, for me, I was told to temper my expectations, since the parents don’t have much money.  But that’s okay.  I don’t mind that at all.  They have to look after themselves first.  I have no desire to feel good about this season anyway, so it’s all good.  I just want…for the day to be over.  That way, I can stop feeling like I want to cry.  It just hurts too much.  Was what we had worth nothing?  She said it meant so much.  That losing me would hurt more than she could bear.  Yet throwing what we had away, without so much as a word to me, didn’t seem to faze her in the least.  She seemed almost happy to be rid of me.  And all because of a guy who never met me.  Fuck love.

4. No School Work (or job work)
Can’t complain about this one.  It let me finally catch up on Assassin’s Creed III, which I had been waiting for ever since I preordered it back in September.  It was worth it.  That game is awesome!  And getting to let my insomnia not be an anchor in my life was pretty sweet too.  Though it has given me more time to think, which does me no kindness now.  I was hoping to see so many people when I got back home.  Instead, I have seen only one friend, and while I do love her to death, I was hoping to see more.  Now, she is moving away, and everybody else is gone.  And the only person I was hoping to see over break got pissed at me (this isn’t the friend who threw me away.  Somebody else), and now our friendship is hurting.  Irony – for the same reason a best friend threw my friendship in the trash.  But I do get an actual break.  That is pretty damn sweet.

3. Lights
Probably the greatest saving grace about this holiday is the lights on the tree.  I remember how good it made me feel, and how much I was able to get lost in them.  Now, when I look at them, it just hurts.  It seems like no matter how loyal I am to people, my loyalty is not rewarded.  I try so hard to be a good friend, yet what do I get in return?  I get people to throw my friendship away, and to treat me like I am somebody they can use and throw away.  My dedication has been abused, time and time again.  And for what?  The lights are so beautiful.  I stare into them.  I want to get lost in them.  Yet all they do now is remind me why it hurts so much to be me.  It’s no fun being me.  Being me fucking sucks.  Yet they are still beautiful.  If I believed there was a God, he would be in the Christmas lights.  But that’s just me.  I’m weird like that.

2. Sex
Yeah, when I made this list, it made sense why this was close to the top (I made this list a long time ago).  When one has a person that they love, one of the best times of year to express it is during Christmas.  So many holidays kinks, if that’s what one’s into.  There is this one girl who I wish I could share some kinks.  Run my fingers through her brown hair, let my hands satisfy a fetish of mine and fondle her large breasts, to explore every inch of her body.  She is in good shape, but not a super-model.  I am glad of this.  I like my women to look like real women, not some idealized vision of beauty.  She thinks she is in such bad shape.  I really must cure her of this.  And yet, at the same time, I now hate sex.  I hate it so much, because the drive to pursue it, along with love, has completely destroyed a friendship.  See, her boyfriend didn’t like me.  Why?  Got me.  I’ve never met the guy.  This guy doesn’t like me, when all I was at that point, since she lived so far away, was a text and Facebook message to her.  That was it.  Yet apparently, I was causing problems.  Why?  She had no answer, and saw fit to tell me to leave it alone.  I was so tempted to yell and scream that this is bullshit, but what’s the use?  The friendship is dead now.  I am alone again.

And the thing that I liked most about this holiday, and why it was once my favorite holiday is…

1. Eggnog and Brandy
What a perfect combination.  This is, by far, the greatest drink in the mostly-gross history of alcohol.  It all tastes awful to me, except for this and a couple others.  This concoction has seen me through the last week or so, as I come to grips with how things are.  Why did this have to happen?  Why couldn’t it have been stopped, or made less awful?  What could we have done different?  I want to stop asking myself.  I want it to stop hurting.  But it doesn’t.  The booze dulls the pain, but in the end, it does nothing for me but remind me of how pathetically sad it all is.  Still, this drink is amazing.  If you haven’t had it, do.  You won’t regret it.

I want to like this holiday.  I want to think it is a great holiday.  Instead, all I have to think about now is how much I wish it would just go away.  That way, I could cry, and not feel like I am bringing people down.  I have to hide it, because I want people to be happy.  But in the end, I am miserable, and hiding it does nothing to change that.  Fuck love.  Fuck relationships.  Fuck everything to do with this whole holiday.

Fuck Christmas.

Until next time, a quote,

“ I’ve always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof.”  -Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock

Peace out,

Maverick

Do I Offend You? Tough S**T

Well, as with what seems to happen to me everywhere, and all the time, I managed to find a way to piss somebody off, and now it legitimately threatens my future.  It is yet-another reminder that I truly have no place in this world, and I may always be alone in it, and it is another reason why I wish that I had the ability to cry, but I lost that a long time ago.

Here’s the set-up – I was at work.  I won’t say where and I won’t say what I do, because I don’t need that coming back to bite me in the ass.  I’ll give you a hint – I handle a lot of books.  At this job, there is a lot of public who comes and goes.  Something that I have found when I am organizing these books is that many of these members of the public feel the need to leave little leaflets all over the place.  What is on these leaflets, you ask?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  What is on these leaflets are religious messages.  They usually follow the same pattern – that we are all horrible sinners, and we are all going to Hell.

So, why do I care?  I mean, I deal with that kind of stupid bullshit all the time.  Religion has always been stupid, and it will continue to be stupid.  Why the fuck do I care?  Well, in this instance, I care because I get to clean up this shit.  I have to maintain this environment.  I have to keep this place looking as well as it can, so that people will want to use our facilities.  And that is very hard to do when they are constantly coming across religious zealots having to shame them with their stupid bullshit.  And I cannot begin to tell you how many of these leaflets I have sent into a recycle bin for paper.  Yeah, that’ll show them!  Hopefully they get turned into a book by Christopher Hitchens!

What was different about today?  Another good question.  My, this audience is smart.  Well, today, I got to throw away another of these leaflets, but guess where I found it?  I found it tucked into one of the fucking books!  These jerks are not only littering my place of employment, but they are tucking their zealotry into my books?!  I wanted to strangle somebody.  Given the stress I have been under lately, you can imagine that my reaction to this was extraordinarily negative.  This was a step too far to me.

I headed downstairs, to complain to my fellow employees, the only people around who would listen.  I told them about this, and how annoyed this made me, concluding with this sentence -

I don’t care what stupid imaginary crap you want to believe in, keep your leaflets out of my *******! (name omitted to not have to deal with more crap)

Well, one of my coworkers caught up with me and told me that one of these no-skinned workers apparently got offended by what I said, and could potentially write a letter to the boss, explaining how upset she is.  This means that I could get fired soon.  This is definitely a woman’s workplace, which doesn’t bug me in the slightest, but I do know who the boss, who is a woman, and tight with all these women, is going to side with.  She will side with this goodie-goodie narc who couldn’t bring her complaints to me instead choosing to “potentially” run to her.

Bringing this back to the theme of this post – being offended.  I am not actually talking about myself here, despite this long and rambling story.  What I am talking about is people and their belief that their offense matters.

I’m going to give you a little heads-up that I don’t know if you were aware of.  This might offend some of you, but it needs to be said anyway.  Alright, are you ready?  Here it is -

You don’t matter!

That’s right, you are just another piece of skin, just like all other 7 billion people on this planet.  In the broad scheme of things, you mean nothing.  Your life will be snuffed out in a blink, and that’s it.  There is no afterlife.  There is no God.  There is nothing to hope for.  Once you die, that’s it.  You’re done.  I don’t like to borrow from idiots, but it’s true – you only live once (YOLO!).

This means that when you get offended and you choose to make your offense a matter of the public discourse, and decide that you will go after the person who offended you, blocking their ability to offend you, you are choosing to believe that what offends you is somehow really important.  But because you yourself are not important, care to take a guess as to how important your offense is?  Not even a little.

People who get offended by religious statements – don’t hang out with religious people.  People who don’t like gay marriage – don’t have a gay marriage.  People who don’t like meat – don’t eat meat.

But the moment that you decide that you are going to take away our right to say what we want, and to express ourselves as we see fit, then you are just another part of the problem.

But Lucien, this is a workplace, and there are rules of professionalism!

A valid argument, if I said anything really rude and to anyone in-particular.  This isn’t that.  This is a butt-hurt Mormon who decided that her religion is REALLY important, and nobody can have an opinion that it is all just imaginary bullshit.  Even though I wasn’t talking to her, or about her, or about religion at all.  In fact, what I said was that I encourage people to believe what they want.  I merely would like them to stop littering my workplace with their garbage.  How is that a bad thing?  The truth is that it isn’t, and now, I might get fired because she is going to paint the scarlet letter on me, making me out to be a pariah of evil and atheist zealotry, because that is how offended people do.  They don’t say what actually happened.  They make it all out to be a battle between good and evil.  Yeah, that’s bullshit.

Here’s the ultimate truth – we need to stop banning things.  We need to stop trying to curtail other people’s behavior to what we want it to be.  This PC culture that has taken over this country has got to go!  I am getting sick and tired of it.  We seem so scared to offend anyone, because we don’t want to get sued.  A cheap tactic used by the worst of us to make money.  I should know.  My cousin sued me for $165,000.  He got a settlement of $100,000 from my insurance.  Loathsome piece of shit.  But this culture of not hurting anyone’s feelings or challenging people’s beliefs, or just making the simple demand of people to get a skin at all, not even a tough one, has got to go.

It won’t, but damn if I don’t hope it would.

Until next time, a quote,

“Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.”  -Unknown

Peace out,

Maverick

All Grown Up

I’m all grown up, but I’m not an adult.  I don’t want to be an adult.  Every day, I hear them talking.  Every day, I see them interacting.  I work with them at my job at the college.  I have been educated by them.  I am surrounded by them all the time.  It’s part of living, I guess.  But the more that I see them, the more that I hear them, the more that I am around them, the less that I want to be one of them.  I honestly can’t stand them.

There are a bunch of female-types who work at the desk where I work.  I pass by the desk a dozen times a day.  You know what I hear about almost every time I pass by?  I hear about how much they are annoyed by their boyfriends.  How stupid these people are in comparison to the overwhelming brilliance that these girls apparently have.  Of course they are.  Of course, these women are just the smartest people, and these guys are dumb shits.  Apparently, it never occurred to them that if these people’s stupidity is such an annoyance, perhaps they should leave them, and find smarter guys.  Ladies, if your guy is an idiot, you have nobody to blame but yourself.  Smart a nice guys get tossed aside because of your shallow asses.  Don’t get me wrong, guys do shallow shit too, but guess what – you are more vocal about it.

And they are just one example.  It’s everywhere.  All over the place, I hear about the most boring and inane stuff in existence.  There are home loans.  There are car loans.  There is stuff about what their grandma is doing, or where their parents went on vacation.  The stupidest stuff in the history of humanity, yet to adults, this is what makes up a very good conversation.  There are pets, there are vacations, there are rooms that were painted recently.  Why does anybody care about this?  Who could conceivably give a fuck about what color you painted your room?  I don’t.  But to adults, this is what makes up good things to talk about.

I am starting to think that being a grown-up entails that you immediately start having a very healthy (to them) fixation on family, be very concerned with the everyday banal, have a very deep curiosity into other people’s banal, and not talk about anything that actually matters.  And you know what – I hate it.  I have ever stupid, simpering, mind-numbing, attention-killing moment of it.  For real, every time I hear people talking about their house or their family and what their family did, I want to kick something.  Hard.

You know what interests me?  Well, lots of things.  There is the current social and political climate.  That is always interesting.  For real, it is.  Since I live in America, I am getting to watch yet-another of these big prime-time entertainment spectacles that we call the 2012 Presidential Election.  For real, it’s all just entertainment.  It doesn’t matter who wins.  Nothing is going to change.  The military-industrial complex is still going to be fed.  Congress will still suck Wall Street’s dick.  The growing police state in this country will continue to grow.  Nothing is going to change.

Then there is the nerd culture.  I am a connoisseur of a good story.  Any form it comes in.  Books, movies, TV, video games.  You name it.  A good story is worth everything.  But when I talk about my love for video games, you know what I hear more often than I’d like?

“Are you kidding me, video games?  Man, grow up.”

Or some variation of that.  Like liking a story that is in pixel form and you can interact with is so immature.  What they don’t realize is that the gaming world has grown so much from where it was only 10 or 5 years ago.  The stories are now getting complicated.  There is subtlety and nuance.  There are games coming out that have incredibly complex characters.  When Roger Ebert said that games could never be art, he couldn’t have known how wrong he is.

There are so many great things to talk about.  It is the greatest time to live right now.  Sure, there are a LOT of problems in this country.  The pointless drug war.  The pointless overseas wars.  The fact that we don’t have universal health care.  All of these are problems.  But think about this – the world is connected like never before.  The internet has made the entire world come together in a way that our forefathers never could have imagined.  Truly, it is the most amazing time to live.

So, there are all sorts of awesome things to talk about, and what do I hear everywhere I go?  Inane bullshit.  Just people talking about pointless nonsense because…and that’s where I get lost.  I don’t have a single clue as to why.  Is it because talking about the bigger stuff is tougher?  Does talking about the things that matter just irk people in some way?  I mean, I have heard about the social contract that says you never talk about religion and politics (a stupid social contract, by the way), but why is it that people can’t talk about anything?

There is a saying that I saw once upon a time -

Big people talk about ideas
Medium people talk about things

Small people talk about other people

And I agree with it.  Being a grown-up is boring.  I hear them, and I’m bored.  Apparently, being immature is when you don’t like talking about houses, car loans, pets, relationship partners or what family are doing.  Being immature is when you like to be free to your own expression.  When you like things that are not just for adults.  When you are able to live a life by your own standards, rather than what society sets for you.

Being a grown-up fucking sucks.

Until next time, a quote,

“I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don’t rush into adulthood, it isn’t all that much fun.” – Bob Newhart

Peace out,

Maverick

Thoughts from My Past Life

I had a head injury when I was 14.  Almost all of my childhood was erased from memory.  Here is a piece of it that I found today.  Something that I wrote for…I have no idea.  Hope you enjoy

I love to talk because it makes me feel good when I’m sad.  It sometimes help me adjust to uncomfortable places.  And sometimes it allows me to think when I am talking about work.

 

I like to have everybody wait on me because I just feel unliked by most of the class.  I sometimes don’t when to and when not to talk.

 

I like to talk about Pokemon.  I also like to talk about navy, air force, and army.  And I also like to talk about my daily life.

 

I try not to disregard the rights of others.  I try to be a role model.  Sometimes I do disregard others and it makes me feel awful.  But sometimes my emotions get the best of me.

I can’t remember when I wrote that, but it was a LONG time ago.  When I was a lot younger.  From the fact that I was using cursive, I think it was middle school.  Looking at that, I ponder how much I have changed.

Until next time, a quote,

“Maybe I’m too young to know what the world is supposed to be. But it’s not supposed to be this. Can’t be this.”  -Huey Freeman, The Boondocks

Peace out,

Maverick

It’s all Worth Nothing

This is a post that I am writing simply so that I can get these feelings out into the world.  Another 100% personal post.  I know that I just did one.  Don’t like it, fuck off.  I just found out that one of my best friends could have cancer.  This girl has suffered, both medically and emotionally for her entire life.  She has been through absolute hell, and what is her reward for all her suffering?  She has to wait a month for test results to see if she has cancer.

Has to wait a month because America is too fucking stupid to have a universal health care system, so poor people like her who bust her ass all week for so little pay can get something for her time.  You think a person who works for not much more than minimum wage can pay for cancer treatments?!  NO!  She could be one of the thousands of people in this country who die every year because she can’t afford health insurance.  And if any of you come on here and say that she shouldn’t have been careless or should have gotten a better job, you can shut your fucking mouths because you a clearly stupid.  And if you can’t say something smart, don’t say anything.

I tell her that it will be okay.  I tell her that, knowing that I might be wrong.  I promise her that everything will be alright, an outright lie, because facing the truth is too ugly to even comprehend.  I lie to her because I don’t want to see her cry.  I don’t want her tiny and adorable face to frown.  I want it to glow and shine, because she deserves to have a life where things go well.  She deserves it, but she won’t get it.

And this brings me to the point of my post – it is all worth nothing.  All the pain and suffering that you are ever going to go through in your life, it is all worth absolutely dick, because in the end, nothing amounts from it.  It is nights like tonight that make me think of the fact that I hear people say so much that life is good, and how it isn’t so bad, and how there is always a silver lining to things.  Where is her silver lining?  Where is the positive side to this situation?  Oh, right, THERE ISN’T ONE!  She might die, and it will be for nothing.  Just because she wasn’t one of those Americans blessed with having an easy life, or being wealthy, or being one of those people who have this gift at being able to magically float through life with no real problems.  Nothing will change, She will die, and all that suffering will have lead to nowhere.

So here I sit, crying.  I cry for her and for me.  I cry for her because she has suffered her entire life, and it has been for nothing, and now she might die.  And even if she doesn’t have cancer, she has an illness that she has to deal with forever, adding in to her list of medical miseries.  I cry for me because this might be the second time that I watch a person that I have loved die.  It is all for nothing.  For fucking nothing!

Call me pretentious or melodramatic, but don’t come on here and insult my intelligence by telling me that life is good and everything has a positive side to look at.  It doesn’t.  Life is cruel, cold, and in the end, you die.  Death, the only true release from pain.

Until next time, a quote,

“It seems to be getting hard, distinguishing reality from the illusions people make for us, or for the ones we make for ourselves.”  -Huey Freeman, The Boondocks

Peace out,

Maverick

This is All it is…

Those words went through my mind as I sat in my room last night, staring at the blank walls in this prison who so many call their home.  It is called a dorm.  It is the place where college students can live, where they can expand their education, while being able to be far from home.  For many, this is a very pleasant place, a place where good things happen.  For me, this place is my prison, my gulag, my tomb.  It has been this way for years.  It has been this way for always.  Because the real truth is – life is the ultimate prison that I have.

I think part of my problem is that I generally tend to go into things without thinking them through.  I either totally overthink stuff, or don’t hardly think about it at all.  I tend to just do the thing that seem to be in the ethically ambiguous territory.  And as I have found out yesterday night, and today, it leaves me feeling hurt.

You see, my fiance died, about four years ago.  It feels like an eternity now.  When you have no time index for memories that you remember with perfect clarity, time becomes such a relative thing.  It’s all so horribly relative.  But when she died, I realized a horrible truth – I may always be alone.  It may be my curse.  I may be trapped.  When you are a 6′ 10-1/2″ titan, and aren’t especially much to look at, you don’t get much in the way of dates.  We’re such a shallow culture.  I hate it to death.

After she died, I was totally alone.  At least, I felt that way.  My friends tried to help me feel better, but it didn’t do anything.  Now, I am still feeling that way.  But then, a girl came along.  The two of us were tired of being alone, so we decided to start hooking up casually.  From the very beginning, I had my doubts about this.  Could it really just be “casual?”  Could I really just engage in something like this without any attachment to it whatsoever?  Very quickly, I found out that – no, I couldn’t.  It was pure foolishness on my part to think that I could.

But was it wrong for me to try?  Is there no merit in not wanting to be alone anymore?  Is it totally meaningless to not want to sleep alone, waking up, and wondering if the woman you loved will be there?  The tears come back, but not for the girl who it feels like she dumped me.  They come back for the fact that now I get to be alone again, and it doesn’t get any better.  I fucking hate these posters that say – “It Gets Better.”  No!  WRONG!  It doesn’t get better, kids!  You either toughen up, or walk away from life.  That’s how it works.  You get a thick skin, or you perish.  It doesn’t get any fucking better.  Life never gets better for anyone.

So, I cry again, with the knowledge that for a few nights of a good feeling, of not sleeping alone, I gave up the fact that I was able to forget about the fact that the girl who I loved more than anything is gone.  She is still gone, I am still alone.  The ache of my heart, so mellow, so dull, but hurts so bad.  I wish that I could leave this place.  I would go far away.  Somewhere where I could just lay on the grass.  The grass the grows near the ocean.  Listen to the sound of the waves as they crash on the shore.  Like memories, spilling over my life, and always to be that way.  Forever, the memories crash, and then they go away.

This world wasn’t made for guys like me.  For people who are trying to so hard to grow a skin tough enough to not need anyone, but failing miserably.  To wish for a better place to be.  A kind of utopia that we know, deep down, doesn’t exist, but still look for anyway.  We look for it, because if we didn’t, we wouldn’t know how to live in this world.  This world that treats us like we are yesterday’s lunch meat.  Who are shunned by a shallow and stupid society who doesn’t care about those who are lost.  They only care about those who they can find, and make feel like they should be like the many.  The unique have no home along the rest.

So, with that in mind, I say to you – this is all it is.  This is all it will ever be.  You will try and deny it.  To say that there is some greater path.  But you are just lying to yourself.  Many of you will come on and say that there is some greater path.  There isn’t.  This is it.

The greater tragedy is that girls will all go on about how they want nice guys.  But then, they shun the actually nice guys, like me.  They will go for the ones that treat them like crap.  I have pretty much given up on finding love.  I’m a little broken right now.  Perhaps there will be somebody, someday, who can put me back together again.  I am really starting to doubt it, but hey, I keep myself open to the option that it could happen.  And maybe, if it does, I can finally put to rest the thoughts in the back of my mind that are telling me that something else needs to happen.  That life needs to be something better.  Because if this is it.  If this really is all it is, I don’t know how I could live in this world.

I have nowhere that I belong.  All of my friends are gone from the dorms, so I am alone here.  Others are saying that they don’t care about me anymore, because I don’t care about them.  They say that taking quotes from me, and all horribly out of context, and saying how I don’t say that I love them enough.  Like the fact that I am not a very expressive guy just makes me the absolute worst.

But I’m not desperate enough to where I am going to be some girls tool.  I am not going to just throw myself into a situation where I feel more like crap.  That’s just now how I run with things.  And if life never gives me another opportunity for happiness, then I guess that’s how it goes.

In the end, this is all it is.

Until next time, a quote,

“Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”  -Somebody or other.

Peace out,

Maverick

I Feel Lost

I hate staring into my own future.  The more I look at it, the less I want it around.  The more I look at it, the less I want to think about it.  The future is an ugly and depressing enterprize.  The future is never pretty.  If I lived in a smarter country, maybe then it would be.  My generation had to be the one that things went to shit in.  Why couldn’t it have been the next one?

I blame my species, partially.  I fully realize that plenty of what is happening is due to my own laziness, but the entire species isn’t without some blame to be given.  They are a destructive species, who will not give up anything for the greater good of society.  Nobody likes to sacrifice.  Nobody likes to have less.  Fixing the problems in this country are so resoundingly easy, but nobody will do it.  All one would have to do is to ditch the wars in the Middle East that are sucking our money down the fucking drain.  Then, end the drug war, and tax that bitch.  Just the sales tax alone on it would be more than worth it.  A billion dollar market, that we have no place in.  Next up, get rid of Medicare and Medicaid and get universal health care.  It’s more economically efficient, and helps more people.  Helps more people for less money, go figure.

But while I can argue this kind of stuff all day, and show how this kind of thing, the welfare state, works.  It’s working in the UK.  It’s working in France, in German, in Japan, in South Korea.  It’s working all over the damn place.  Nobody will listen.  But that is just stuff I believe in.  Stuff I can talk about.  Stuff.

I feel lost.  Totally and completely lost.  I am at a crossroads with my education.  Financial troubles may delay me, more and more years.  I can’t do that.  I can’t do this anymore.  I want this to be done.  I want my education to be completed.  I want to be finished, and moving ahead with my life.  But to what end?  That’s the question, more than any other, which keeps me up at night.  I am going to be moving forward, but where am I going?  I don’t know.

Fucking professor.  She tells the class that now is the time of the entrepeneur.  I’m not a businessman!  I’m not a fucking business major!  I’m a journalist!  Well, journalist to be.  I’m a writer.  I write.  I want to write about what is happening in this world.  But it’s such a hard market to crack into.  My shitty resume doesn’t help.  I could have done more in high school.  Forgive me if I actually wanted to enjoy my childhood.  It’s so pathetic how we all are told to grow up so fast these days, hardly given a childhood at all.  By 16, you are already expected to have a job, or have held maybe a few.  But that’s getting harder and harder to do.  Employers don’t want to hire on new people, because they want some huge list of accomplishments.

People will come at me, saying time and time again how I am not trying hard enough.  I could have done all this stuff.  Yeah, I could have, but why is it that people expect supermen?  I can already hear some asshole talking, about how only those who do great things become great.  I could show how that’s not true.  Some of the greatest of time had some incredibly humble origins.  But employers don’t want to take chances.  They want supermen.  The smallest of employers now want to greatest of people.  To hold all people up to a standard that says that if you don’t give them what they want, you are doomed to failure.  It’s cruel beyond reason.

And now here is where I find myself.  I may have more of this ahead of me, but I want it to be over.  I am beyond senior-itis.  I want to know what is to become of me.  I want to know where I am going.  I want to know if there is a place in this world for one such as me.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is.  I think I am just one of those people who will get the raw deal.  I’m a pretty talented writer, and I am probably destined to rot away in obscurity.  But what can I do?

So many questions, and I have no rock on which I can anchor the problems of my life.  Religion is stupid, so that’s out.  I have no love life to speak of.  I have pretty much given up on that one.  The girl I casually am with told me that I needed a girlfriend, and the whole time, I just felt so alone in that moment.  I was snuggled up next to her, but I felt totally alone.  What a horribly ugly feeling.  It’s like having a delicious bowl of ice cream in front of you, only for it to suddenly be taken away, and you left remembering that you had it.  Ice cream, that sounds pretty good right now.  Pity I can’t get any.  No money.

I want options.  I want a future I can depend on.  I want a world that makes some sense.  I want something that I can look at and know that it is a constant in this insane world that I live in.  I have a friend who is one of those people who just floats through life.  She thinks life is so great.  Then I have another friend who thinks life is so great, while she is going tooth and claw to just survive in it.  I have so much respect for that latter of those two.  I don’t get either of them, but at the least the second is trying and is able to maintain that attitude.  The former is a person who has no fucking clue about how ugly life really is.

This is a personal rant, I know.  Honestly, I don’t care.  I, I guess I needed somebody to talk to.  The internet is a nice person.  I sometimes get responses from it too.  Most of them are from trolls who are too stupid to think, but hey, sometimes there is somebody who actually thinks.  That’s a good feeling.

Until next time, a quote,

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us”  – Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

Peace out,

Maverick