Well, it’s that time of year again. That time when everyone is absolutely buzzing! The world buzzes to the beat of a special drum. The drum that has made our species as numerous as it is!
No, wait, that’s sex. My bad…
But according to so many, this is the most amazing day of the year! When selfish expression and cheesy gimmicks dominate the land. Where the most shallow part of our culture can be enraptured in how much they can milk this holiday for what its worth. Unless, of course, you are one of a very unique…oh, fuck it, they’re not unique. They’re overwhelming. The single people.
See, this holiday was inappropriately named. Instead of being named after a Catholic saint that your lazy asses don’t know a thing about, I have decided to instead give this holiday a much more fitting name. I was thinking – Single Awareness Day.
Cause you see, while the romantic couples are out there, making a big to-do about how awesome this holiday is (or girls who are not in a relationship, but are hot enough to know that they are going to get sex), for those of you who are not in a relationship, there will be a number of reactions to situations that you are going to have.
For starters, there are the girls who complain about how men are all jerks. Most of these girls will pass up perfectly nice guys, having put them in that illustrious place that almost all men are familiar with – the friend zone. Ah yes, the friend zone. A place where a girl pretty much says, “I like you, but you aren’t enough of a jerk for me to date, because I will need you after I have been hurt by said jerk, to cry to about how their are not more nice guys like you.” It’s an ugly cycle, and one that you will never escape. I wish you luck.
Then there is the playtoy. This is another kind of nice guy who is used and thrown away by a woman who claims to care about them, but will abandon them the moment that they find somebody who is far more suiting to their own personal darkness. Of course, when this person is no longer to their liking, they will come back to you, because they know that you will go back to them. It’s a miserably pathetic existence, but we have all had to be there at some point.
Then there is the person who gets to see his ex be with some guy or girl that she/he left them for, and see how happy that person. Almost like the idea is to rub it in. Like they haven’t poured enough salt in the wound, and now you get to have more fun at your expense. Isn’t that nice?
All these groups of people get the raw end of the deal, but now let’s talk about those who aren’t a member of the party for whom I have changed the name of this holiday for. For you, there is a VERY fruitful future ahead of you, filled with chocolate, roses and cheesy cards. These facile expressions that they will claim they love so much, when the truth is that most of them would probably just like a nice hug and for you to tell them how much you love them. But hey, we all gotta embrace that shallow culture, right?
And speaking of shallow culture, then there’s the people who think that jewelry and extravagant gifts are the way to express your love. Because after all, no woman knows what love is without you going into debt, right? As the ad says -
Every kiss begins with Kay.
Yeah, and every divorce begins with Jack Daniels.
Oh, and while we’re on that subject, there is a final group of people who I think we should take some time to recognize – the people who get dumped on Single Awareness Day! For real, do you think the suicide rate goes up on Single Awareness Day? Well, let’s be nice. How about for a week or so afterwards? But yeah, these people get to be one of the most ashamed class of people in the world – those who have to return Single Awareness Day jewelry that they saved their hard-earned money for. For real, do you think there is anything more humiliating than having to return jewelry that you bought for your loved one? Well, maybe having to return an engagement or wedding ring. Still, we need to keep these people in our thoughts, because they are going to be considering the Kurt Cobain approach to life…or death.
But in all seriousness, fuck Valentine’s Day. That is all.
In a surprising turn, however, and until next time, a quote, (and this is from the heart)
“So, before I get too down to it, I’d like to offer you a piece of advice – if you’re fortunate enough to have somebody who you like enough to share Valentine’s Day with, do something special for that person. Even if it’s something small. Don’t forget that something small can produce a reaction much bigger than even the thought itself. And don’t forget that doing something small for somebody that’s really worth it sure beats the hell out of whatever you were normally doing for that day.” -Neal Wilcott, F*ck Valentines Day!