Well, in lieu of a blog about Christmas itself, I thought that this year’s Christmas blog would be about something different – the things I like most about Christmas. It is by far my favorite holiday. Or rather, it was. It was a holiday that I loved so much. But this year, for the first time, I genuinely don’t give a shit. This is the first year that it couldn’t matter to me less that it is Christmas. I don’t feel anything for this holiday. We’ll get into why in a minute. But first, here are the top 10 reasons that I used to love this holiday. And this makes it all the harder that this year, I couldn’t care less.
Oh how I have always loved putting up the Christmas tree. This is the first year that I had no part in it. I had to get back to the dorms because of work and final projects. It was so hectic that I genuinely felt overwhelmed at times. But one of my favorite parts about this holiday was putting up the Christmas tree and figuring out where the best spots were for everything. It was so tedious, yet so enjoyable. I always loved it. And once it was all done, they looked so beautiful. I truly do regret not getting to help put up the tree this year. I would have done that part long before this holiday went to shit for me.
9. My Cat
One of the things that has been hardest about living at the dorms was that I couldn’t be around my cat, Lizzy. I do so love that little beast. She’s a whiny, angry little puss, who only loves me. She treats everybody else like yesterday’s trash, except for me. I remember when I first got the little devil. She was climbing up the cage wall at the pet store. She looked at me like “get me the fuck out of here!” I knew from that moment that her and I were going to be best friends. She’s getting old. That makes me sad. If she dies, then I am that much more alone. She’s one of the few things I can depend on always being there for me. Unlike the person who threw my friendship in the trash recently, and didn’t even look back. I love that cat so much. So incredibly much.
8. Snow (when I don’t have to drive in it)
Having lived in the most northern state in the Union, I have had to live with snow every winter. And when I don’t have to drive in it, it is beautiful. It’s a beautiful thing to see. Of course, it turns the roads into a dangerous mess, and it seems like every year, every dumb shit in my part of the world forgets how to drive in it. Like the summer was so long that they forgot that winter exists. Dumb bastards. But I do love watching it fall, if I know that I don’t have anywhere that I need to be in the next few days. Very, very beautiful.
7. My Favorite Christmas Specials
It kills me that I forgot my movie collection at the dorms, because I could use a good Christmas special right now. I linked my Top 10 Christmas Specials blog after the number. Check it out, if you want to know what tickles my holiday buttons. Some of them might not make much sense to you, but I still think they are beautiful. I’m one of those weird people who has my own little quirks, but it’s all good. I get to have fun, and that’s what matters. Well, I did. After losing a friendship that meant so much to me, because of a person I never met, then I just stopped caring. Still, I hope that you all were able to find that little Christmas film that makes you feel all warm inside. I envy you for being able to feel that way.
6. People actually being nice!
For real, have you ever noticed that even the biggest asshole in the universe turns into one of the sweetest people the moment that this time of year comes around? I wish that some people I knew were like that. Then, I wouldn’t be sitting here, crying while listening to Christmas music on the radio, feeling like shit. I kept hoping that the spiked eggnog (one of the few kinds of booze I will actually drink) would dull the pain. But it doesn’t. She left my life, and right when I was hoping to see her the most. I think she did that on purpose. But it does feel good when you can get that person who is a dick the rest of the year, but then you see them in a Christmas tree sweater, and they are actually smiling. Alas, my work-mates at my job didn’t get that. My smile is such a rare occurrence these days that I think the people at my job would be shocked if they ever saw it. I don’t have a reason to smile.
5. Presents (duh)
Yeah, kind of a given that I would be big on this one. Who isn’t? Who doesn’t love to get presents under the tree? Ironically, for me, I was told to temper my expectations, since the parents don’t have much money. But that’s okay. I don’t mind that at all. They have to look after themselves first. I have no desire to feel good about this season anyway, so it’s all good. I just want…for the day to be over. That way, I can stop feeling like I want to cry. It just hurts too much. Was what we had worth nothing? She said it meant so much. That losing me would hurt more than she could bear. Yet throwing what we had away, without so much as a word to me, didn’t seem to faze her in the least. She seemed almost happy to be rid of me. And all because of a guy who never met me. Fuck love.
4. No School Work (or job work)
Can’t complain about this one. It let me finally catch up on Assassin’s Creed III, which I had been waiting for ever since I preordered it back in September. It was worth it. That game is awesome! And getting to let my insomnia not be an anchor in my life was pretty sweet too. Though it has given me more time to think, which does me no kindness now. I was hoping to see so many people when I got back home. Instead, I have seen only one friend, and while I do love her to death, I was hoping to see more. Now, she is moving away, and everybody else is gone. And the only person I was hoping to see over break got pissed at me (this isn’t the friend who threw me away. Somebody else), and now our friendship is hurting. Irony – for the same reason a best friend threw my friendship in the trash. But I do get an actual break. That is pretty damn sweet.
Probably the greatest saving grace about this holiday is the lights on the tree. I remember how good it made me feel, and how much I was able to get lost in them. Now, when I look at them, it just hurts. It seems like no matter how loyal I am to people, my loyalty is not rewarded. I try so hard to be a good friend, yet what do I get in return? I get people to throw my friendship away, and to treat me like I am somebody they can use and throw away. My dedication has been abused, time and time again. And for what? The lights are so beautiful. I stare into them. I want to get lost in them. Yet all they do now is remind me why it hurts so much to be me. It’s no fun being me. Being me fucking sucks. Yet they are still beautiful. If I believed there was a God, he would be in the Christmas lights. But that’s just me. I’m weird like that.
Yeah, when I made this list, it made sense why this was close to the top (I made this list a long time ago). When one has a person that they love, one of the best times of year to express it is during Christmas. So many holidays kinks, if that’s what one’s into. There is this one girl who I wish I could share some kinks. Run my fingers through her brown hair, let my hands satisfy a fetish of mine and fondle her large breasts, to explore every inch of her body. She is in good shape, but not a super-model. I am glad of this. I like my women to look like real women, not some idealized vision of beauty. She thinks she is in such bad shape. I really must cure her of this. And yet, at the same time, I now hate sex. I hate it so much, because the drive to pursue it, along with love, has completely destroyed a friendship. See, her boyfriend didn’t like me. Why? Got me. I’ve never met the guy. This guy doesn’t like me, when all I was at that point, since she lived so far away, was a text and Facebook message to her. That was it. Yet apparently, I was causing problems. Why? She had no answer, and saw fit to tell me to leave it alone. I was so tempted to yell and scream that this is bullshit, but what’s the use? The friendship is dead now. I am alone again.
And the thing that I liked most about this holiday, and why it was once my favorite holiday is…
1. Eggnog and Brandy
What a perfect combination. This is, by far, the greatest drink in the mostly-gross history of alcohol. It all tastes awful to me, except for this and a couple others. This concoction has seen me through the last week or so, as I come to grips with how things are. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn’t it have been stopped, or made less awful? What could we have done different? I want to stop asking myself. I want it to stop hurting. But it doesn’t. The booze dulls the pain, but in the end, it does nothing for me but remind me of how pathetically sad it all is. Still, this drink is amazing. If you haven’t had it, do. You won’t regret it.
I want to like this holiday. I want to think it is a great holiday. Instead, all I have to think about now is how much I wish it would just go away. That way, I could cry, and not feel like I am bringing people down. I have to hide it, because I want people to be happy. But in the end, I am miserable, and hiding it does nothing to change that. Fuck love. Fuck relationships. Fuck everything to do with this whole holiday.
Until next time, a quote,
“ I’ve always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof.” -Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock