Top 10 Practical Superpowers

Now, let’s face it – there are a lot of superheroes with really stupid powers.  I mean, people like Mr. Fantastic, Jubilee, and a million others.  Some heroes just aren’t meant to be superheroes.  And while we’re on that topic, there are also a lot of abilities that just make no freakin’ sense to have.  And if you met somebody who had it, you would be beyond amused.  I mean, take Toad for example.  He has got to be the worst super-villain of all time!  Having the abilities of a frog doesn’t make you cool.  It just isn’t possible.  So, I am going to upset a lot of comic book nerds, but I’m afraid I have to say it – here are the top ten abilities that would actually be useful to have, in the real world.

10. Enhanced Strength
Now, I’m not going to give examples of people with this ability, because honestly, this is about real life, not comic books.  Another thing I’m not going to do is give military reasons for why these abilities would be useful.  I’ll make another post about that.  So, this ability basically is where you can lift things of unbelievable size.  You won’t meet a jar that you can’t open, either.  But what practical applications would it have?  Where do I start?!  For one thing, the construction industry would love you to death.  Law enforcement would love you to death.  Engineering and maintenance.  This kind of ability would really be best suited for down-to-earth applications.  But being able to life a car on your own, that’s pretty nice.

9. Teleportation
Here’s a talent that would be more about fun than anything else.  Think about it – gas money, not a problem.  You would never, ever again need a car.  This kind of ability would be much more practical than being able to fly.  As long as you had a clear area to go to and from, then it would be safe.  If it wasn’t clear, there is the chance you’d teleport into another person, or into a wall, which would be ugly, and probably kill you.  But so long as your path was clear, then there are no limits to what you could do.  Taking a vacation would be as easy as – Poof!  If you had some sort of field that you opened, then you could bring other people with you, which is even better.  As for how you could make money – postal service, delivery truck driver, it would be a journalist’s heaven to be able to get from one place to another in an instant.  This talent would be plenty of fun, and would make every day a holiday.

8. Enhanced Speed
I figure that Sonic the Hedgehog must have the most awesome life ever.  This ability means that you could run like nobody else.  This is another talent that would make having a car useless.  Of course, it would also mean that your food budget would go through the roof.  A runner burns a ton of calories, so in this instance, you would be eating like a pig, and be thin as a rail.  Another bonus is that you would never have to work.  Ever.  Think about it – Nike would forever be trying to find a shoe that they could make that you wouldn’t wear out in a day.  It would be a pretty posh ability.  And going to see your friend who lives across town would be just a nice brisk job for you.  And you would never have to worry about eating right.  Like I said, burning calories would be something that you would be doing like it was nobody’s business.  In fact, McDonald’s would be your friend because you would need fatty foods to keep you from keeling over.  Desserts, you friend.  All sorts of things.  The body would burn it off before it had a chance to damage your systems.  So long as you kept running, this ability would make you one of the healthiest people on Earth.

7. Shapeshifting
This is the talent that is the best for the worst among us.  For real, I can’t see any way that you could employ this ability in a way that would be decent.  The premise is that you can transform into anything you want.  All you have to do is focus, and you can shift all the matter in your body.  You could become anybody, anything, anywhere.  You could turn into the girl you want to fuck’s boyfriend, or if you think there is a hot girl who is into girls (or are like me and weird), you can see what sex is like from the opposite perspective.  For all you gay guys, imagine that, but in reverse (I expect a lot of hatemail from this post).  You could also turn into a bank executive and clean out a bank or two.  There isn’t much of anything in the world of crime that you couldn’t do.  Getting away with murder would be unbelievably easy.  This ability is for the criminal in all of us.

6. Invisibility
Speaking of the criminal in all of us, how about this for a power – being able to go where you please, unable to be seen.  It’s the stalker’s perfect tool!  Along with the deranged serial killer.  But really, this is a power for those who want to be a menace to society.  A pickpocket would never have a bad day.  Work would be kind of pointless because you could walk into a person’s home and rob them blind, and nobody would ever be able to know who did it.  And yes, if you were interested in a girl, and are a weird creeper, this would be a handy thing to have.  If you actually were looking for work, and wanted to employ this technique, really, the only two places it would be useful is with the law enforcement world, and creeper journalism where you spy on celebrities.  But still, a fun power to have if you are like me and have a part of you that wants to make hell for the rest of the world.

5. Regeneration
This is the power that has infinite uses.  Put simply – you could regenerate any injury, probably up to the point of getting your brains blown out.  With a talent like this, there is almost nothing that you couldn’t do.  Being a professional daredevil would be the best paying idea.  But for those without that much ambition, construction would be great, because you wouldn’t really have to worry about an accident.  And if you have ever seen those videos of people climbing those giant towers and fixing electrical problems, then that would be even better, because you wouldn’t have to worry about safety gear.  If you fell, so long as you didn’t land on your face, you’d eventually mend yourself.  Creepy, but awesome.  If acting is calling to you, you could be your own stunt person.  That’s a good time.  This could also help make cinema more realistic because nobody would have to use fake bullets with you!  Lots of fun idea for a power that would make you more or less invincible.

4. Telekinesis
Who wouldn’t want this little trick?  Being able to move things with one’s mind is something that most every kid fantasizes about.  When we were in school, most all of us thought about using our abilities to pull out the chair of the teacher.  Or those of my gender thought about having fun with the girls of our class.  Especially those who went out of their way to dress slutty.  Ladies, don’t tell me that we’re so wrong.  How many of you wouldn’t mentally stroke a guy’s dick?  We’re all sexual people, let’s just admit that.  As for finding a job, law enforcement again comes to mind.  Being able to stop bullets would make you the biggest asset that a police force has ever had.  The construction industry would also love you.  Depending on how strong you got, then airports would employ you in case of bad accidents.  Shipyards would also love you.  The manufacturing industry could really use those talents too.

3. Technopathy
Put simply – this ability allows you to have control of any electronic device you come across.  In the modern age, this ability, more than any other, would make you the most powerful person on the face of the Earth.  In a world where everything is controlled by the internet, and where the entire industrialized world depends on the internet, you could effectively control everything.  With one connection you could control the electricity, government, airports, and most of all – the military.  Our military is now so automated, with everything controlled by remote.  I know I said I wouldn’t talk about military applications, and in this instance, I’m not.  If you were an ego-maniacal terrorist, holding the entire planet hostage would be as easy as having this ability.  You would not only have our military ships and aircraft, but also the nuclear weapons of the world on your beck and call, so long as you had access to their network.  The reason this isn’t at the top of the list is because as much as this power would make you powerful, the moment the network disappears, you lose all the power you had.

2. Telepathy
I just pointed out how technopathy could make you controller of the world, but this ability can go so much further than that.  Basically, this means that you can read people’s minds.  On a small level, you would always win poker and chess games.  But on the much larger and infinitely more creepy scale, this could make it so that you could take over the minds of other people.  Depending on how far your range was, you could have an entire population of a city as your personal slaves and army.  Disloyalty and dissent mean nothing when people literally lack the capacity to disobey you.  This ability alone is why I don’t actually think Senator Kelly from the first X-Men movie was wrong.  It is terrifying to think about.

But of all these abilities, there is one to trounce them all -

1. Mimicry
How about having all of them?  This ability, in short, is having the ability to recreate any power that you have had exposure to.  And not just any of them, but all of them.  The moment you are in the presence of somebody with an ability, you get that ability for all time.  This would make you the most powerful person on the face of the Earth.  You could use each of those abilities.  There wouldn’t be a police agency or a law enforcement agency on the face of the planet that could stop you.  The world’s military would be your bitch.  There would be nothing, and nobody who could get in your way.  Now that is power!  And it is, by far, the most practical power that there is to have.

Until next time, a quote,

“No, look, I need to tell you about this. I need to stop living for other people. My whole life, I’ve had no idea what I’m supposed to do, what I’m supposed to be.  If I even have a destiny of my own.”  -Peter Petrelli, Heroes

Peace out,

Maverick