Well, since I did a list about the top ten women who were leads who just plain annoyed me, I thought that I would now put out my list of the male leads who annoy the CRAP out of me! I hope you enjoy. I know I didn’t. I am going to anger a lot of fans here from a lot of popular shows. Good times.
10. Will Turner
Pirates of the Caribbean
This guy has got to be one of the worst things in cinema history. I mean, we all watched the Pirates of the Caribbean films for Jack Sparrow, and all the while those films were going on, I just thought that Will was his gay friend. For real, nothing about him was interesting. He was put in that movie for the same reason my top picks were put their film series – eye candy. He was about as emotionally deep as a block of wood. The only reason he did well as Legolas in Lord of the Rings is because he was right for that role. Tall, pretty, girlie, that works. And he had emotional depth because Peter Jackson is a good director. But here, he is just a pretty boy with about as little personality as possible. He is also a complete tool. He is used by his woman, and when he finally does get a personality in the third film, it is kind of too little, too late. I liked the third film, it’s a guilty pleasure of mine, but yeah, he suck.
9. Quatre Winner
You know what sucks about this character – he had a lot going for him. The idea was interesting. He is a young man who comes from a family of pacifists, but decides to fight the group OZ anyway. He throws away his inheritance for this cause, and it is pretty profound. However, the delivery is AWFUL! He is such a whiny, whiny, preachy little bitch. This guy is all about peace and love and all that junk. It makes for a really boring and really annoying character. The problem is that he just doesn’t fit the archetype he is supposed to be in. If it showed more inner turmoil about him selling out his family and his beliefs, that might be more interesting, but as it stands, its really dull. It is a really good show still, but this character didn’t help.
Superman (I know, Duh)
Okay, where do I start with how annoying this guy is. It’s my opinion that a good 90% of all comic book films and comic book characters, suck. Badly. And here is the greatest example. Look what this guy stands for – truth, justice, and the American way. Who talks that way? This guy is so ANNOYING! Plus, he’s totally unfair as a hero. Bullets bounce of the guy, and almost no amount of physical punishment does any significant damage to him. He is so incredibly cheap. And think about this – he is the world’s greatest stalker! He follows Lois Lane everywhere. He even follows her home and watches her eat! This dude is not only annoying and cheap, but he’s also a super-creeper. All in all, this dude just needs to be shot, with a kryptonite bullet.
Spiderman (Again, I know, Duh)
Here’s another superhero who just plain sucks. I have hated every single version that has been introduced. I hated the old cartoon, I’ve hated the new cartoons, and I hate the film version most of all. I think part of the problem of why he is so annoying is because of the universe he inhabits. It’s filled with people who scream AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS FOR NO REASON! There is only so much screaming that one can take, and let’s face it, there is only so much screaming that people will do in a dangerous situation. But back to the main character, he is just so annoying. The idea is that he is a wise-cracking smartass, but he isn’t done well. In any of the versions that I have seen. And also, he is the perfect stalker. Especially the film version. In the comics and the cartoons, he has to replace his webbing. It’s a kind of weakness that he has. In the film, he can theoretically go for as long as his strength holds out. Meaning that if he wanted to stalk you, he could do so forever. He literally could be like the fly on your wall. If that doesn’t creep you out, ladies, nothing will.
6. Reed Richards
The Fantastic Four
Why are there so many heroes on this list, you ask? Because they are ANNOYING! So few of them are genuinely interesting. Most have the most absurd abilities, and they have the most absurd villains. For case and point, look no further than the Fantastic Four. These four are so implausible that it is beyond ridiculous. But to the character, they couldn’t have possibly made such an absurd character more unlikeable. Reed Richards is the most effeminate hero who has ever lived. He doesn’t like to really do much of anything, and it never comes up how many incredibly awesome uses for his ability. But his whole universe is ridiculous, and this character just has all the warmth and charm of spoiled milk.
5. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Here’s another actor who is going to get me a lot of hatemail. Well you know what? I don’t care! I hate this guy. I have everything he has ever done. When I was watching Predator, I was rooting for the Predator. I wanted it to tear his head off! All the stupid one-liners, all the over the top action. I don’t get what guys see to like about this dude. He can’t speak well, he can’t act. Nothing he has ever done has been even remotely convincing. It has been like watching a fish try and sing. It is the worst. I hate the man, and every single film that he has ever done. I hope he disappears from film forever. The reason that I picked him, the actor, instead of a role is because I hate them all equally, it is like listening to a cow try and recite Shakespeare. It’s the same with David Boreanaz, who you will see in a couple rates. I would have done Keira Knightley in my companion post to this, but honestly, she has had a couple of roles that actually worked. But yeah, this Austrian nightmare is the bane of my existence.
Final Fantasy X
Now, I am putting a video game character on here as a precursor to a post I am going to be doing about the most annoying video game characters, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Tidus is a bitch. He is. He has no redeemable qualities about him. He isn’t a good leader. He isn’t particularly strong, or strong-willed. He has no real talents of any kind. All he does throughout this entire game is bitch about his predicament in life, his past, his problems with his father, and having to do much of anything. Even when he finally steps up to become a stronger person, he still is a whiny little bitch. The only reason this character was even useful to play as was for his speed and Overdrives. There was nothing to like about this whiny little bitch. When he died in the end, that was awesome. Granted, he does come back, and right at the very end was the only time he actually had balls, and accepted death with a great deal of coolness, but that was too little too late.
3. David Boreanaz
Here is another actor who I just cannot stand. Why? For the same reason as I don’t like Tidus – he’s a whiny little bitch! In Buffy, he played the vampire Angel, and the only time he was interesting was when he was evil. In Bones, he plays an FBI agent who is also a whiny little bitch. A lot of people will reference the action sequences he is in, but you know what, screw that! Being able to fight is meaningless when one doesn’t have the balls to back it up. It’s like adding a ray-gun to a goat. You can’t make that cool. A lot of dedicated fan-girls are going to call me out on this, but screw them. This guy had all the rich emotional texture of a jar of mayonnaise, and I love that Family Guy was able to make fun of him in their Christmas special. That was a vidicating moment to me. But yeah, this guy is just the worst. Well, not the worst, as you can infer from his ranking, but he is pretty bad.
2. Xander Harris
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
This is another instance of Joss Whedon having a lot of good ideas, and a VERY poor delivery. This was one of what had to be at least six characters who could have been written out of the show and it wouldn’t have made any difference. This guy was supposed to be the comic relief of the series (one of many), but he really added NOTHING to the series. He wasn’t a pivotal character in any instance. He saved the world at the end of season 6, but honestly, I think they just shoe-horned him in there for no reason. His jokes aren’t funny, he brings no powers or skills of any kind to the table. Really, this character offered nothing. And when they gave him a girlfriend who served even less of a role, that just made it worse! All the cheesy and stupid arguments that happened between the two of them, along with the cheesy dialogue and the cheesy drama. It was all so annoying. This guy is definitely one of the worst, and nobody will miss him.
But all of these characters are as nothing compared to what is coming now. This is a tie for the first spot, and for damn good reason. Never before have two characters been written who are this annoying.
1. Edward AND Jacob
Twilight (and all the subsequent movies)
It is kind of poetic that Bella was my number 1 pick on the couterpart list to this, and now, here are her two love interests. Both of these guys couldn’t be more annoying if they tried. Like Will Turner, they weren’t picked for acting talent (of any kind) or anything else. It is dead-clear that these two are just eye-candy. But let’s examine these guys. Looking at the film version, while he is clingy and a total creeper, it is show that Edward is a total tool of Bella. He has problems of his own, but Bella is manipulative, bossy, stupid, and a total dumbass in distress. Those two and their creepy issues almost seem made for one-another.
But as weird and pathetic as Edward is, he is as nothing compared to his counter-part love interest, Jacob. If Edward is a tool, then Jacob is a garage. He openly accepts Bella’s manipulation of both of them. He even accepts that she is using him for intimacy when Edward breaks up with her (yeah, and it was so convincing too). This guy tries to do right by this girl, never once realizing how pathetic he looks because he accepts that she is using him. This guy is every stupid jock metaphor in the book. Edward is every creepy stalker metaphor in the book. And they are, by leaps and bounds, the most ANNOYING male leads ever.
Until next time, a quote,
“And by god, how can she turn down a guy with no personality who just looks at her weird?” -Doug Walker, Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress